[YouTube Rec] Alain de Botton just made me feel more hopeful about healthy romantic love
I just finished watching this video from Big Think (one of my favorite YouTube channels) and I'm so taken by how simple and honest his advice is on why we fuck up romance and how to embark on healthy romantic relationships. In a way, this guy also let me off the hook for aspects of romance that I stress too much about, or give myself shit for thinking. It's an interesting watch, let me know what you think!
I took a copious amount of notes to talk about this video on GWF, but here are some quotes and concepts discussed, to give you an idea of the vibe:
We think it's wrong and unromantic to want our partners to change, but the reality is if we only loved the stagnant version of ourselves, there would be no growth.
"In love, we don't look for what will make us happy. We look for what feels familiar. For many of us, what is most familiar is a sense of not being loved properly."
When we do something like getting back together with a physically or emotionally abusive partner, we're not just trying to suffer for no reason. We're trying to master a challenge that we couldn't master in childhood. Sigmund Freud found that we often don't get the excitement we need until we locate a partner who suffers from the very problem that our crucial caregivers suffered from.
There's not such thing as "the right person." And knowing that you'll never find "the right person" will help you find a "good enough" person.
"If you're looking for someone with zero red flags, good luck to you. Being human means you have red flags."
What say you, Patrons?
Love is a skill, not a feeling | Alain de Botton: Full Interview (YouTube)
Comments (1)
I tend to agree with those points, I think a often overlooked point is that romantic relationships, like all of other relationships, may have expiration dates on them. When we lose a friend, just to grind of time, not even for a specific reason, we tend not to see failure, but whenever we lose a romantic partner there tends to be an opening for the feeling of we failed in some way, because we start most romantic relationships with the idea that this one will last forever. Hope that makes sense.