Ch. 76 - Gawblins

 "You ladies don't really look like adventurers."

The man crossed his arms. His friends spread out behind him—three men, all wearing mismatched armour that had seen actual use.

I studied him for a second. I could tell—he was weaker than me. Weaker than all of us.

Which made this entire situation hilarious.

"Tychus." The clerk's voice cut across the hall. "Leave the new adventurers alone. Remember what happened last week."

Tychus waved his hand without looking back. "That was different. Besides, someone's gotta tell these newbies what they're dealing with." He turned his attention back to us, his gaze lingering too long on our faces, our bodies. "Wouldn't want the ladies to die on their first adventure."

I pressed my lips together. The laughter threatened to bubble up.

Beside me, Aria glanced at Isabella, confusion crossing her features. Isabella's expression remained carefully neutral, though her tail had gone still beneath her cloak.

They didn't understand why I was fighting to keep a straight face. They couldn't. They'd never seen Earth media, never watched a single fantasy movie or read a story about adventurers' guilds. This was just another interaction in a mortal realm to them.

To me, it was pure comedy gold.

"Look," Tychus continued, stepping closer. "Adventuring is dangerous work. Goblins, bandits, monsters—they don't care how pretty you are." His smile widened. "But I'll tell you what. You ladies join up with my party, and We'll take care of you." The innuendo in his tone left zero room for misinterpretation." You can watch how real men handle business, maybe pick up a thing or two."

Aria tilted her head, actually considering it. Isabella's eyebrow raised slightly—the offer probably sounded reasonable to them. Sex and feeding opportunities while someone else did the all the work? Perfectly logical from a succubus perspective.

I couldn't hold it anymore.

The laughter burst out of me. I doubled over, one hand clutching my stomach, tears already forming.

"Sorry," I gasped. "I'm sorry, but I just—I can't. It's too much."

Tychus's expression darkened. "The hell's so funny?"

"Nothing, nothing." I wiped my eyes, still giggling. "Please, continue."

"You mocking me?" He stepped forward, his friends shifting with him. "You think this is a joke, newbie?"

"A little bit, yeah."

His hand moved toward the sword at his hip.

"That's enough, Tychus."

A man in polished silver armour stepped between us. The metal gleamed in the hall's light, pristine enough to reflect the ceiling beams. He carried himself with that particular brand of confidence that came from actual skill backing it up, his hand resting casually on the pommel of a longsword that probably cost more than Tychus's entire party made in a year.

Of course. Of course there was a knight in shining armour.

I lost it again. The laughter came harder this time, until I had to lean against Faith to stay upright.

The knight glanced at me, amusement flickering across his face rather than offense. "I apologize if my timing is poor."

"No, no." I struggled to breathe. "Your timing is perfect. Absolutely perfect."

Faith grabbed my shoulder. "Li—eah. Breathe."

I sucked in air, forcing the laughter down through sheer willpower. It took three attempts.

The knight waited patiently until I'd composed myself, then inclined his head. "Valerian Stormwind. Silver rank." He gestured toward Tychus. "I apologize for my colleague's behaviour. He means well, even if his approach leaves much to be desired."

Tychus muttered something under his breath but backed off, his friends following suit.

I wiped my eyes again, the tears genuine this time from laughing so hard. "Leah, bronze rank obviously."

"Julia," Faith said simply.

Aria waved. "I'm Ria."

Isabella nodded once. "Bella."

Valerian inclined his head. "A pleasure to meet you all." His expression softened with genuine regret. "Again, my apologies for Tychus. He's not usually so..."

"Insufferable?" I offered.

A hint of a smile crossed his face. "I was going to say confrontational, but yes."

Faith offered a smile. "No worries. And thanks for the help, even if we didn't really need it."

Valerian's gaze moved between us, assessment flickering behind polite interest. "I'm sure you didn't. Still, Tychus can be... persistent when he thinks he's found easy marks." He paused. "The goblin contract your friends picked up earlier—the settlement northeast of here?"

"That's the one," I said.

"Good hunting ground for bronze rank. Just watch for the shaman if they have one. Goblins are usually cowards, but shamans can coordinate them into something actually dangerous." He stepped aside, clearing our path to the door. "Safe travels."

"Thanks."

We moved past him, past Tychus and his glaring friends, past the staring crowd that had gathered to watch the confrontation.

The afternoon sun hit my face when we stepped outside. I took a deep breath, finally letting the last of the laughter fade.

"What was that about?" Aria asked as soon as we were clear of the building.

"Nothing. Just..." I shook my head. "Mortal realm humor. You had to be there."

"We were there," Isabella pointed out.

"Different context." I started walking toward the town gate. "Come on. Let's go kill some goblins."

Faith fell into step beside me. "You going to explain it to them?"

"Maybe later." I grinned. "After we survive our first adventure as bronze rank newbies."

The gate loomed ahead, and beyond it, the goblins waited.

*

The village had been exactly what I'd expected—a handful of wooden structures clustered around a well, nervous farmers who'd paid us five silver to handle "the goblin problem," and directions to a cave system two kilometres north through the forest.

Now we stood before a hole in the hillside, barely wide enough for two people to walk through side by side. A crude totem dominated the entrance, bones lashed together with what looked like strips of dried leather or sinew. Skulls crowned the top—small ones, probably rabbits or foxes. The whole thing tilted at an angle, either from shoddy construction or recent damage.

"This is it?" Aria wrinkled her nose.

"That's what the villagers said."

Faith leaned forward, inhaling. Her face twisted. "Doesn't smell very promising."

"Goblins are filthy creatures." Isabella pulled her bow from her spatial ring, the wood gleaming even in the cave's shadow. "That's to be expected."

"Fair point."

Aria grinned, spinning her daggers once before settling into a loose grip. "I guess it's goblin killing time now?"

"Seems like it," Faith said.

I drew my whip from my ring, the leather coiling naturally in my hand. The silver handle warmed against my palm. Faith already held Durendal, the blade's eye half-closed as if drowsy. Aria's daggers caught the afternoon light filtering through the trees behind us.

Isabella notched an arrow, not drawing yet but ready.

I blinked at her. "Since when do you use a bow?"

"You all have melee weapons. I thought we could use some range." She adjusted her grip slightly. "Besides, I'm decent with it."

Made sense, actually. Aria fought close with her daggers, I had my whip but still needed proximity, and Faith swung a longsword. Someone needed to cover distance.

We moved into the cave entrance, the temperature dropping immediately. The light faded within a dozen steps, but my eyes adjusted without trouble. The tunnel stretched ahead, rough stone walls narrowing and widening at random intervals. Water dripped somewhere deeper in.

"You think the mortals will be grateful?" Aria asked. "For doing their dirty work?"

"Probably," Faith said.

"Good. They should be."

I glanced at her. "It's not like you won't enjoy killing some goblins anyway."

"True, but still—"

She stopped mid-word, her arm whipping forward. The dagger left her hand in a blur of steel. It caught something small and green square in the face with a wet thunk. The creature—barely three feet tall with oversized ears and yellowed teeth—collapsed in a heap.

Aria pumped her fist. "Did you see that?"

"Nice throw," Isabella said. She lowered her bow slightly. "Something's wrong though."

Faith turned to her. "How so?"

"That goblin was running toward us." Isabella moved closer to the corpse, her foot nudging it. "Away from deeper in the cave."

Aria frowned. "So?"

"So goblins are cowards. They run from threats, yes, but toward their nest, not toward intruders." Isabella's tail swished once. "It was fleeing something."

The tunnel ahead stretched into darkness. Water continued dripping, the sound echoing off stone. My grip on the whip tightened.

A scream erupted from deep in the cave—high-pitched, unmistakably goblin, cut off mid-shriek.

We all froze.

"Well," Aria said. "Guess we're not the only ones hunting today."

*

We pressed deeper into the tunnel, the stone walls narrowing until we walked single file. Faith led with Durendal drawn, the blade's eye wide open now, swivelling to track movement in the shadows. I followed, then Aria, with Isabella bringing up the rear with her bow ready.

The screaming had stopped. Water dripped steadily somewhere ahead.

The tunnel opened into a wider chamber, and we all stopped.

A figure in battered plate armour stood in the centre, surrounded by goblin corpses. The armour looked functional rather than decorative—dented metal with leather straps, a helmet with a narrow visor that hid the wearer's face completely. He held a short sword in one hand, the blade dark with blood.

Four goblins rushed him from the left. He sidestepped the first, his sword opening its throat in a single slash. The second lunged with a crude spear. He caught the shaft, yanked the goblin forward, and drove his blade through its skull. The third and fourth circled, chittering.

He threw the spear. It caught one in the chest, punching clean through. The last goblin turned to flee. He closed the distance in three steps and brought his sword down on its neck.

Three more emerged from a side passage, followed by a larger one wearing bones and feathers—the shaman, probably. It raised a gnarled staff, green light gathering at the tip.

The armoured man grabbed a stone from the ground and threw it. The rock hit the shaman's hand, scattering the spell into harmless sparks. While it reeled, he was already moving. His sword took the first goblin's leg, then its head on the backswing. The second died with steel through its ribs. The third managed to swing a club before he caught its wrist, twisted, and opened its throat.

The shaman backed away, gibbering. It raised its staff again, the green light building faster this time.

He threw his sword.

The blade spun twice before burying itself in the shaman's chest. The creature collapsed, the staff clattering across stone.

Two more goblins burst from a crack in the wall, probably trying to flee. He picked up a fallen club, crushed the first one's skull, then retrieved his sword and finished the second.

Eleven bodies. Maybe thirty seconds total.

He wiped his blade on a goblin's loincloth, then turned toward us.

"Wow," Aria breathed. "That was efficient."

Isabella nodded slowly. "Quite good for a mortal."

Faith glanced at me. "Feels like watching an anime."

"Yeah," I said. "It really does."

The armored figure approached, sword still in hand but not raised. His helmet tilted slightly as he studied us. "What are you doing here?"

I gestured at the corpses around him. "We're clearly here to hunt goblins. Why else would we be in a goblin cave?"

"Fair point."

"The real question is why you're here. We accepted the quest from the guild."

He paused, then sheathed his sword. "I didn't know they'd posted it. I was scouting the area and found the den. Decided to clean it out before they became a real threat." He looked around at the carnage. "You can claim the reward. I don't need it."

Aria tilted her head. "You just killed eleven goblins and a shaman in half a minute, and you don't want the money?"

"I do this for free." His voice came muffled through the helmet. "Goblins are vermin. They need to be exterminated."

"Can't argue with that logic," Isabella said.

Faith shifted beside me, Durendal's eye tracking the man's movements. The blade seemed interested, which probably wasn't a good sign.

"Well," I said. "Thanks for handling it, I guess?"

"Just doing what needs to be done." He turned away, heading toward a different tunnel. "There might be more deeper in. Check thoroughly before you report completion."

Then he was gone, his armoured footsteps fading into the darkness.

Aria whistled low. "That was weird."

"Very weird," I agreed.

"Also kind of hot," she added. "In a scary, psychopath sort of way."

Isabella rolled her eyes. "Of course you'd find that attractive."

"What? He was efficient!"

*

 We found three more goblins huddled in a side passage, trembling and clutching makeshift weapons. They died quickly—Aria's magic collapsed the first one's lungs, Isabella put an arrow through the second's eye, and Faith decapitated the third with Durendal before the blade could protest.

"That's it?" Aria kicked one of the corpses. "Seriously?"

"Looks like our mysterious friend was thorough." I knelt beside the shaman's body and started cutting off ears with a knife from my spatial ring. The guild wanted proof, apparently. How delightfully medieval.

Faith wrinkled her nose. "Do we really need to do this?"

"Unless you want to explain why we're claiming a bounty with no evidence." I dropped the first pair of ears into a leather pouch. "Besides, it's not like they need them anymore."

Isabella joined me, her movements quick and methodical as she harvested from the other bodies. "Eleven from him, three from us. Fourteen total."

"Hardly seems fair that he did all the work," Aria muttered. She floated a small flame between her fingers, casting dancing shadows across the cave walls. "I wanted to fight something properly, not just clean up stragglers."

"Maybe next time we'll arrive before the murder hobo shows up." I tied off the pouch and stood, wiping my hands on my trousers. The blood would wash out. Probably.

We made our way back through the tunnels, following the trail of corpses the armoured man had left. Sunlight filtered through the cave entrance ahead, warm and welcoming after the dank darkness.

The man stood just outside, leaning against a tree with his arms crossed. His helmet turned toward us as we emerged.

Aria waved enthusiastically. "Hey! Still here?"

He nodded once but said nothing.

"Right. Strong silent type." She grinned. "We cleared the rest. Just three more."

Another nod. Then he pushed off from the tree and walked away, disappearing into the forest without a word.

We watched him go.

"Why do you think he waited?" Aria asked.

I adjusted the pouch of ears at my belt. "Probably wanted to make sure we'd be fine."

"Aww, that's sweet." Aria clasped her hands together. "Can we keep him? Please? I promise I'll feed him and take him for walks."

"No," Faith said flatly.

"Absolutely not," I added.

Isabella sighed. "Remember, we have several more worlds to visit. We don't have time to collect stray mortals."

"I know, I know." Aria deflated slightly, then perked up again. "Fine. Let's go find something else to kill then. This barely even counts as proper combat."

"The guild first," I said. "Turn in the quest, collect our reward."

"And then killing?"

"And then we'll see what other exciting opportunities this world has to offer."

We headed back toward town, the afternoon sun filtering through the forest canopy. My tail swished behind me in mild irritation. I'd been looking forward to an actual fight, something to test myself against. Instead we'd gotten glorified cleanup duty.

Faith walked beside me, Durendal quiet at her hip. "At least it was easy money."

"Easy and boring are two different things."

"True." She smiled slightly. "But we've got six more days of vacation. I'm sure something will try to kill us eventually."

"That's the spirit."