Happy Birthday Me.

Today's my birthday. I wasn't feeling it all last night and today morning. I felt aged, and I'm still grieving for my cat. I knew losing one of my cats would hurt my soul, but she went so suddenly, I was shocked and I'm still shook. Yes, she was sick, but I never imagined she was dying. The thought didn't cross my mind for a second, so finding her crying out in pain at 5 am behind a couch is still an image I can't forget. I spent the rest of the early hours with her, covering her in warm towels and telling her to stay strong. There weren't any vets open at the time. At 7:45 she was gone. She died in the car as I tried rushing her to the vet as soon as I got hold of one. I'm still trying to process being told 'she'll be okay' by the same vet only less than twelve hours before when I took her for a second opinion. Her absence hurts the most. She was an integral part of my life, her and her sister. Now it's just me and Sylvie.

I've got a thousand worries and concerns and now a dead cat is one of them. I don't think I like 2024 very much if I'm being honest. But life is like that, I guess. There's happiness and there's the inescapable sadness that comes with loss. Truth be told, I haven't felt 'happiness', true happiness, in a while, I think, other than when I'm in the presence of family and we're having a good time. I think it's the tax of maturing, and I've always been mature above my years since I'm the eldest.

All I can hope for at this point is to at least be content, which I am, even with the sad parts. And to stop worrying so much. I'm a ball of anxiety 60% of the time. I hate that I'm a people-pleaser. I want to change that about me. I also want to shut up about myself in front of snoopy, gossip-loving people because I end up giving up more information than I wanted to, and then I hate myself for it. I want to be like my dad, silent by deadly in the best sense. Honestly I wouldn't mind being so respected I'm feared. I want riches and gold. I want Susu to live forever. I want to publish books and be a well-known author. So many wants. Is there enough time? Do I have it in me? More importantly, is it my fate? Not knowing what's in the future is the most difficult. You're virtually going at it blind, just doing the best you can every day.

I am so thankful for what I have. I am thankful for each and every one of you. I am sorry if I'm taking longer to update. I'm really trying. I've got a couple of updates that will be ready to publish in the next couple of days. I'll just go ahead and write the next NSFW without a poll if you don't mind.

Thank you for getting this far. Journalling is good for you, and I've been doing it to ease my buildup of chaotic things, but I haven't been able to put my grief in my journal just yet.

I love you guys.

-FeastOfNoise

P.S Would anyone care for an annual membership discount?