A Year Without You

Hello everyone.

This post was meant to be published on December 15th, but for me it was a terrible day. To be honest, I just wanted it to end as quickly as possible. I kept staring at the clock endlessly, and the only thing in my head was the time of his passing…

Still, I believe it is right to write this post — even if not on that exact day, but later. Because the person who left us on that day was one of the most wonderful people, and sadly, no one will ever replace him.

In this post, I want to say thank you.

Thank you for your kindness.

Thank you for your patience.

Thank you for walking this entire path for us — for your family.

He was scared. I can’t even imagine how scared he was. At times, he was in so much pain — yet even in those moments, he smiled. And his last words to me were spoken with a smile on his face as well.

To be honest, I still can’t believe — or maybe I simply don’t want to believe — that I haven’t seen that smile for an entire year and that I will never see it again. I miss it terribly and would give so much just to see it one more time, even if only once.

Take care of the people you love.

And never forget their smiles — because any smile could be the last.

I often catch myself thinking that I am talking to you. And I think this will stay with me forever.

Because love does not end with goodbye.

There is a kind of love that time cannot erase.

It only changes its shape — becoming quieter, deeper, and eternal.

And when my time comes, I hope you will be waiting for me there — with that same smile.

I have been running this project without you for one year now. Sometimes I feel proud when something works out, and sometimes I cry from hopelessness when my hands fall down.

But every time, I remember your words:

“If anyone can do it, it’s you.”

I hold on to these words — I have held on to them this entire year. I truly hope you were not wrong about me, and I hope I will fulfill our shared dreams — even if you are close, just not here anymore.

At the end, I would like to share a poem that I wrote after his passing. A year has gone by, but it still reflects my feelings. Perhaps it will resonate with some of you as well.

I will attach the original poem in Russian and its English translation.

Thank you to everyone who read this until the end 🤍

My angel (English Adaptation)

A week has passed since you slipped away,

And Christmas lights are going up around us.

Snow is falling quietly outside the window,

And the cold bites my hands the moment I step outside.

Children laugh beyond the glass,

Throwing snowballs into the winter air.

A snowman, shaped by small, clumsy hands,

Stands proudly on the porch across the road.

Time keeps moving forward,

But for me, it feels completely still.

Your laughter echoes somewhere deep inside,

And sometimes I catch your scent without knowing how.

Your smile flickers through my memory,

Your warmth finds me at night.

The tenderness of your strong arms

Still holds me gently

As I fall asleep.

I remember your stern look when you were upset,

And the soft one when you looked at me with love.

I feel it behind me…

But when I turn around, you’re not there.

And yet I know — you are always with me.

I believe you have wings now,

White as the snow drifting past the window.

With them, you shield me from the world:

From pain, dark thoughts, and uninvited fears,

Protecting the fragile quiet inside my heart.

Just like before, you stroke my hair,

Patient and warm, when tears fill my eyes.

You whisper softly:

“My dear, my gentle one, don’t cry.

My joy, the love of my life —

Your smile means more to me than your sorrow.”

I may not hear these words,

But my heart grows lighter.

I know you hear every thought, every breath.

And you smile when I act silly and laugh like a child —

Because my happiness was always what mattered most to you.

For it, you were ready to turn the whole world upside down,

Just to see me smile a little longer.

So I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

Then another, to calm the rising tears.

One more — and I open my eyes.

Time gently resumes its course.

The window is still there.

The snow keeps falling.

Children laugh by the snowman, smiling wide.

For a moment, it seems he waves at me with his wooden hand —

But no, it’s a little girl from next door,

Smiling and waving. I smile back, surprised.

A snowball flies after her.

She frowns and looks toward the boy

Laughing proudly, holding his stomach from laughter.

And at that sight, a quiet laugh escapes me.

Once again, I allow myself to feel

Time moving forward —

Softly, carefully,

But moving.

Мой Ангел (My original)

Прошла уж неделя с тех пор, как ты ушёл,

Мы начали рождественские приготовления.

За окнами уж нынче снег пошёл,

И руки мёрзнут, как выйдешь за порог.

Дети за окном играют и смеются,

Бросаясь снежками в зимнем снегопаде.

И снеговик, построенный их детскими руками,

Стоит через дорогу на крыльце.

А время всё идёт, идёт,

Но для меня оно словно совсем застыло.

В ушах звучит твой звонкий смех,

Твой запах я ловлю украдкой.

Твоя улыбка в памяти мелькает,

Твоё тепло я чувствую ночами.

И нежность твоих сильных рук

Меня так мягко обнимает,

Когда я засыпаю.

Твой строгий взгляд, когда ты недоволен,

И мягкий, когда ты смотришь на меня с любовью,

Я чувствую спиной…

Но, обернувшись, я тебя не вижу,

И всё же знаю — ты всегда со мной.

Я знаю, что у тебя за спиной

Теперь есть крылья,

Такие же белые, как снег, идущий за окном.

Ты ими ограждаешь меня от всего:

Невзгод, дурных мыслей и непрошеных гостей,

Чтоб не нарушали те душевный мой покой.

Меня по головке ты всё также, как и раньше,

С теплотой и терпеливо гладишь, когда слёзы проступают на глазах.

На ухо шепчешь: «Ах, родная, неженка моя, не плачь,

Моя радость ,любовь всей моей жизни, твоя улыбка

Мне милее, чем твоя печаль».

Пусть я и не слышу этих слов, но на сердце становится мне легче.

Я знаю, ты слышишь каждое моё слово, мысль, каждый вздох.

И улыбаешься, когда дурачусь и смеюсь, я как ребёнок.

Ведь радость моя тебе всегда была всего дороже,

Ради неё ты был готов перевернуть весь мир,

Лишь бы я улыбалась чуть подольше.

Поэтому закрыв глаза, я делаю глубокий вдох,

За ним — ещё один, чтобы заглушить порыв накатывающихся слёз.

Ещё раз вдох — и открываю я глаза. И время тут берёт обычный свой черёд:

Передо мной окно, за ним всё так же снегопад,

А дети всё так же, смеясь, играют у снеговика с улыбкой до ушей,

Который будто мне своей тоненькой деревянною рукой машет.

Ах, нет, это не он, а маленькая соседская девчонка с улыбкой,

Махает мне рукой. Я удивлённо улыбаюсь и машу в ответ.

И тут снежок летит ей прямо вслед.

Она нахмуривает лоб и смотрит в сторону мальчишки,

Который триумфально смеётся, обхватывая от смеха свой живот.

От этого зрелища у меня проскользнул смешок,

И я снова позволяю себе чувствовать, как время берёт свой привычный ход.