I've been struggling (again) and we need to talk (again).

"Because I dont deserve them." I say shit like that to myself so often.

Hi, dragonpie here. This hit hard, in a good way. I dont care about the audios. I just relate, I guess? That feeling of burnout, with life, you're not alone feeling that.

And I hate that return actually sends the post. You're not alone, there are many of us, we get it, and we'll help however we can.

A little late here. I just joined the community and your page after stumbling on the genre, if you will.

We are here and we're not going anywhere.

I'm a bit late to this I know... had some things going on as we all do... A few questions, audi... why are we here? Because we get a spicy audio? Well maybe that's how it started. Because we enjoy the community? Well that's what it turned into. Because we wanted to support you in any way possible as we know most need thesedays? That's what it was from the start (spicy audios where a bonus), because communities like this help more people in many situations, having a community to talk to who enjoy the same things is just one example. I can't even recall how long I've been here and due to memory issues I don't know where to start or if my memory is in chronological order. I remember a similar audio to this a long time ago and you where smoking on your porch. From what I recall about the 'vibe' of that vid, it was not too far from this or many thoughts I've had myself. But look at how far you've come, even if it only feels like a baby step or you keep regressing. It's all a step forward to realise you will make it through. Good or bad thoughts be dammed you'll make it through just like last time. It won't and will never be easy, regardless of how many times you tell yourself 'I got through that bad time and I'm good now so whatever happens I'll do the same'... only to find out the next time is just as if not harder... but the same outcome will happen... you'll come through and move forward... as you did before. Just take the time you need. Take care of yourself, you can't help others or yourself if you aren't looking after yourself. And everyone here isn't just giving money to get a fun jerk session, that's a bonus but the support of many is given for many reasons... because you deserve it and your great at what you do. And all those people you think you let down... you actually helped them more than the quick donation they gave to hear your art. Or the community consisting of people who where only there and made friends because YOU provided the space to do so. Not only are the people who support you are here for you, they are here for every other person who supports you. As they would do for others.. INCLUDING YOU! It's not a let down... the only let down is that you'd think this was actually an issue for any of us (apart from the one's just here for 'spicy' audios and nothing more). There's a reason I stayed a patreon even when I hadn't the time to listen to new audios so I had to catch up weeks later... There are many aspects to this but I assure you most here just want to know you are good and well while you're audios do for them what they hope for you! Please take care and any/all time you need to get back on track with any part of and all of life, as we all know it hasn't been great for any of us.. there's always something. As audi said at the start, I think I've missed some things here. I'm typing on my phone so may have misspelled some words. Or mixed some things up. 🤔😅 apologies for that. Sorry for the wall of text... hope everyone is alright 👍 take care 🍻

Love you Audi. Always here for you.

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. We are here if you need us. I do have one small piece of unasked-for advice: set lower goals! We are happy with a lower volume of production. Lean into that! Commit to a really low rate of new recordings - I think it would help you feel better. And don't feel bad if you don't meet that rate, either. In any case you can harvest those periodic, big productive pushes but then trickle your productions out at your committed rate.

As I tell my SO, who has dealt with mental health issues for some time: "If you could be doing the things, you *would* be doing the things." Don't feel shame about not meeting the expectations you've placed on yourself. Mental health issues are no different than a physical injury - if you saw someone with a broken leg, you wouldn't think less of them for not walking. Give yourself the grace you clearly deserve and get the help you need and things will get better. And then they'll get worse again, and then better again. But *you'll* be better. We're all pulling for you.

Hey my love! I had so many things to say… But at the end of the day frankly, it’s already been said. before. So all I want to say, is that I love you. And I would light a candle for you. ❤️

Audi don't even stress about it! You take as much time as you need,we're all here for you and we'll always support you

Hey Miss Audi, the feeling of promising to be better just to fail again is a feeling I know to well, you’re not alone, I hope you overcome just as I am doing so, God bless and may I hear your voice for as long as you want to give it, and on the side note you really have a beautiful voice wether when you talk or sing.

Sorry. But you are not a whiny nobody. I think you are important to many of us. You are so gifted and so creative. You connect with so many of us through your audios. So please pour your energy into yourself. Open up the love. We’ll hear from you as soon as you are ready. Meet with those doctors. Rediscover you, Audi.

I commend you — it takes a lot to be this raw and transparent. To verbalise everything and be vulnerable with us — that's huge and I'm sure greatly appreciated. For what it's worth I did stick around for the whole half hour - but also here, actually I bumped my subscription up a tier for funsies whilst you were away. Any work can be exhausting, physically and mentally, even work you enjoy. With how intimate your work is, I can only imagine how much harder it would be if you're not in the best headspace. There's nothing "unprofessional" about being human and about having a vulnerable moment and sharing it with all of us just as yourself. Your plan to reset and slowly ease your way back into the artistic space here sounds pretty solid and if that's what you need — know you're fully supported here. Take a breath, take it as slow as you need. 💙

Oh, Audi. Don't worry and don't be sorry. We understand the kind of feelings you're dealing with, it's not easy. The most important thing here is your health. Please take as much time as you need. We'll wait patiently and we won't blame you. You have all our love, our support and our best wishes with you. Take it easy, slowly and you'll do it great. We love you, Audi. Don't give up.

I always just lurk and never leave comments on anything. I have social anxiety, bad enough that I'm afraid to say anything even online. Which I know is kinda silly because nobody here knows me or is going to care. But I want you to know you are not alone. Mental health is a real bitch and something so many of us can relate to. Myself I feel like so many years has passed of just doing the same routine every day. Just work and go home to sit around, no motivation to really do anything useful, always making excuses to myself "today was too exhausting or stressful, maybe tomorrow" so you are definitely not alone. I listened to the whole audio and I could really relate to what you're feeling, I was nodding along. I really feel when you said you thought living alone would help, I thought the same thing when I moved into my own house. But I ended up isolating myself from the world and became too comfortable with being alone, and it's hard to pull yourself back out. But enough about me, lol I don't believe you failed us. I believe you will find a rhythm and I hope things get back on track and start feeling happy and proud of yourself. Which you should be proud. Look at the community and all these supportive comment. I believe in you and I wish you all the best.

take your time Audi, and I hope for the best

I hope all these comments let you know that we're all rooting for you. Do what you have to do, and I wish you all the best in the world.

Your human and there is nothing wrong with you. You have to be in the right mental space and just take all the time you need to make your self better. I love your work and it helps me through my own depression for 3 years. My ex cheated on me 5 months from our wedding and it destroyed me. I feel a lot better then I did back then and your stories help me a lot more then I thought. So I am grateful for you and who you are and what you accomplish. Even if you don't put up stuff for a while. I will continue to support you and what you do. Thank you for everything Audi and best wishes and vibes your way. Be safe, take care of your mental space and please find some delicious food and sleep. 😊

We were here when you disappeared last time. Alot of us will also be here this time. Life has has a way of breaking us down to the point we just don't wanna get back up anymore. But you did once before already and you did great, take your time and keep it steady and you'll get it again eventually. You have my virtual hugs and I'm glad you're taking steps forward

Take your time. Take care. Keep taking care of yourself. You don't owe us anything. This post is you acknowledging your struggle and that's hard. Being open and honest not only to yourself, but to other people, too. I'm glad to hear you are getting help. I'm glad you have found the energy to fight against your struggle. There's so much more I want to say and convey, but I can't find the words. I just hope you find the hapiness you're looking for first and foremost. If that includes you producing sexy audios for us - even better. I know I'll stay around anyway.

Hey Audi, Thank you for taking the time to tell us how you are doing. Importantly you've acknowledged stuff is bad and you've started the process of getting help. Also yes people have it worse but that doesn't mean that what you are dealing with is any less important. I'm happy to stick around for a good while still, we all need people in our corner when we are like this. If containing to support you is the way I can do that then I think it's a worthwhile thing to do.

I think you are amazing in sharing this with us! Take all the time you need! You are loved!

Dear Audi, Let me say that I started this comment that way because you ARE VERY DEAR to me. Yes, I listened to the entire thing. Yes, it encourages me. I love hearing things in your own words. You are wonderful as is. Yes I did stop paying but that is because of my financial issues, not any reflection on how I feel about you, your worth, or your amazing talent. I will make you a deal. I will forgive you for pausing again if you forgive me for pausing the payment. I want to say one thing for sure.... YOU ARE NOT A NOBODY. I ADORE your heart and ability to care. Like telling us at the end of your latest update to keep trying. I would love you for that alone. So thank you for your vulnerability and bravery to be THAT real and raw. As for the time with out your mother, let me say something that was said to me when I lost a parent, It does not hurt less but it does become more normalfor them not to be there. It took a lot longer than 2 years for my loss to feel somewhat normal. So please give yourself some grace . Life is hard. And none of us will get out alive. Just know that I appreciate you taking the time to send us an update. Please know that you are cared for, adored, and I am proud of you for continuing to try. Forever Your Patron, Me

“For those who fight for it, life has a flavor the sheltered will never know” Gather yourself and take a step when you can, if you fall it’s ok, take another step in time. It was how I got over my depression and my anger phase. It took time but with perseverance I got to where I wanted to be. Best of luck to you, truly.

So I now listened to the whole thing and I can only repeat what I told you earlier in Discord: I really appreciate that you had the courage to be this honest and let your guard down. Yes courage, because it takes some serious guts to do this. Especially if it happened before. Especially without a safety net, so raw and unfiltered. It sounds like you were really in a vicious circle of emotions. There is no shame in that. We humans can be incredibly tough creaturs, but also shaken and broken down so easily by our own thoughts and feelings. But and that is the important thing here - you realized and had the strength to pull yourself up. Nobody else did, YOU did it yourself despite everything what happened. And while you spoke of you "fucking up" as a bad thing, I'd rather focus on the fact that you managed to come back from it. Every.damn.time. So far. And I have no doubt you will manage to do it again. You went through so much stuff in your life, that would make everyone struggle at some point. But you carry on and that is something I truly admire. I will be part of your community for two years in August and the impact it had on my life was wonderful. Not just the wonderful audio content obviously, but the people I got to meet (including you) and the things I got to experience. So thank you. And I'm looking forward to all the crazy stuff ahead of us. I hope the new doc can help you. It sounds very promising. As I said, realizing you need help is the first step. Asking for help is sometimes incredibly difficult, but nobody can do everything on their own. And it takes courage too. I know that you can and will get back on your feet - I've seen it now a couple times. You can do it again. And we'll be there to applaud you, just as we are now here to give you digital hugs and encouraging words.

Audi, I have just listened to the most beautiful voice sharing from her deepest feelings and the wonderful mind that I always knew was behind the microphone and I believe in you and I will continue to listen and read your beautiful messages.

There are a lot of things I'd like to respond to, but I feel like most of what you said is best reserved for a psychologist. Not because we 'shouldn't be hearing this', but because I think they could respond to your thoughts live better than I ever could through text. I did wrote somethings about some of what stuck out to me. I don't think you need to be ashamed or feel guilty about disappearing. Most of us (aside from the paying subs) aren't *owed* *anything* either and I hope you understand that. That being said, I want you to be happy and I do worry a little when you dissappear without announcing it. But to reiterate: I'm not owed that announcement or update. A few months ago I broke down really badly from a burn out and loneliness, causing me to hit rock bottom. I've had some time to reconsider everything and see a psychologist, which helped, I suggest you do that too. Talking and having someone listen especially does help. They can also help you figure out if there's a deeper problem, or if you're 'just' burnt out. I don't think for a moment that you don't care. I've struggled with caring too much, and based on what you're saying, I think you might have some of that too. As for the waiting to die part; that's relatable. All I could do for a view weeks was to sit it out and hope for my feelings to pass. Granted, my issues weren't present for as long, but this isn't a competition, just because someone else's issues are more severe, doesn't mean your problems shouldn't get looked at. I hope you remember that. I think you can get it back too, just give yourself some more time and grace. I will do too ❤️

"Its nobody's fault." Fixed it for you. It's not in your control so it's not your fault.

If you'll allow me a moment of kinship, I lost my dad six years ago. It's alright to not be alright. Our pain, our baggage isn't a competition, and it's real. Some days, we just survive. And it's ~so easy~ to just keep surviving instead of learning to thrive. I'm still not there. It's a process so many of us are going through, and I don't think any two are entirely alike. Please, give yourself some Grace. You've already taken your first steps. If this becomes two-forward, one-back then so be it. That's still a net positive. We know you care, and so many people care about you. I would give you the biggest, back-cracking hug if I had both the permission and physical proximity. And try not to feel too embarrassed. This is you taking accountability. That's healthy, mature, and kind of sexy in its own way. (I have a slight accountability kink.) As bad as your behavior was in the past, this is good. All is forgiven.

Your heart and mind have been open for so long, and life is so much 😌

Wow like wow I usually just fall asleep to the vibe but man... I hope you do get better and God bless 🙌!!!hand down

Audi, reading this at 3:00am where I am, and I just want you to know you never have to apologize for being human. I’m proud of you for continuing to fight through the hard days, and I’ll always be rooting for you ❤️

Following up: it's not a competition as to who's suffering most. Your pain and struggle is absolutely, 100% valid. I'm glad you're trying to get help, and I do hope it DOES help. I've been there, both inside and from the outside. Thank you for talking to us, for trusting us to hear what's going on.

First of all just wanted to say that it's wonderful to hear your voice again :-) and I want to follow that up with that you may not think that you deserve forgiveness and I know that you're not asking for forgiveness but you have it from me :) also for what it's worth I just wanted to say that regardless of how you felt recording this whole audio, how absolutely big and strong willed of a person you have to be to go through everything that you're currently going through that you've gone through and that you will go through and to still want to keep going the fact that you still want to get back to what you were doing before and that you want yourself to be happy and that you're putting all this effort into trying don't lose sight of that. Love you Audi 💜

Offering hugs. Never be ashamed of taking time for you! It could be depression, which is a horrible beast. Know that your fans are here, supportive, and understand.

Take all the time you need, Audi. You're a good person and we all understand your struggle. We're with you 🫂❤️

We'll be here for when you get back on your feet. Love and hugs to you during this time and for whenever you need.

Listening now, and I want to stop you there around 10:00, where you're saying we're not here for whatever. Some of us are. We signed up because we like your work, and want to support you. Otherwise, at least for me, it'd just be buying audios as they come out. So yeah, some of us are listening, and some of us do care.

Love your work audi we hope you get better, mental health is important to keep in check especially with everyone being different i hope you get better and with time enjoy yourself. You make me feel less depressed in my time of need i hope with out support you can have the same

Never stop throwing your punche Audi. I understand stand the will to keep going and trying to keep up your routines. You have such an amazing community who cares and loves you so don’t think you’re alone on your struggles. You are a wonderful person and don’t change that about you. Love ya💙

Take the time you need. And if you need new artistic directions and whatnot that's fine too. You're a brilliant creative and a lot of us know very well what a struggle mental health can be. Whatever comes next, you have people out here who want you to take care of yourself.

Don’t be so silly. Everyone here is part of this community for a reason. I only joined a couple months ago but it’s been fantastic. Your work is brilliant. It relaxes me from what is a stressful job and time. Good for you to give us all an explanation but I don’t expect more than a few lines because you’re a person. If you want to talk then talk, if you don’t then don’t. I live in Scotland, thousands of miles away from you but I’m sending you loads of love and a hug if we were in the same room. Keep your chin up, keep smiling in the mirror and keep going. Sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it but trust me it is! We as a community are all here to hear your voice. Never forget that. ❤️❤️😊😊

I wish you all the best in trying to find yourself in this difficult time you’ve been having

I don't have time at this moment to listen to get a better understanding of what is going. However, I can't imagine there is a single person that believes you stopped caring. The stories you create are woven with such care that it would be completely and utterly ridiculous for someone to listen through them and think "this is a person who doesn't actually care". It's very obvious that you do care and sometimes people have a hard time recognizing that if there's not something tangible attached to it. Take your time at a pace that is comfortable to you because at the end of the day you are allowed to put yourself first regardless of whatever expectations you feel beholden to.

It’s all good Audi, we all got things going on behind the scenes

You take whatever time you need Audi. We'll be here for you.

Love and support always