No, I'm Not OK - But You Probably Already Guessed That
I'm so sorry. I was a fool.
I really thought I would be all right after my mom's memorial because I felt so peaceful, but it was more like the deep breath you take before a scream.
I'm shattered, folks. And it's ugly.
The last 9 months have been a haze and even though everyone knows "grief isn't linear", there's not really a way to explain what that sentence actually FEELS like. Because it's always different for every person.
It's embarrassing to say I've shoved everyone I care about out of my life so they don't have to deal with this. It's embarrassing to say I don't leave my house at all except to get groceries. Some days I don't bother getting out of bed, let alone getting dressed. Having a shower is a milestone achievement. Most days I can't do anything but cry and stare into space.
I have to write this down because I can't even say this out loud and I'm pretty sure no one wants to listen to me bawling my eyes out trying to form a sentence.
I don't know how to lean on people. It's so much easier to drug myself to sleep than it is to let anyone in or deal with my feelings. I often don't reply because I just don't know what to say. Isolating myself is the only way I know how to cope and I'm ashamed of that. It's not that nobody reached out, I just tell them I'm fine when I'm not and then ghost, because I think that's somehow kinder than telling the truth. (It isn't.)
I'm in a lot of pain. The kind I can't actually speak about without losing it. At least writing this down means none of you can see or hear me crying. I spent a huge portion of my life angry at my mother for putting so much on my shoulders as I was growing up and that anger is all mixed up in grief and shame. I don't regret staying in the room with her when she was taken off life support but I also didn't really understand what it would be like to watch her pass in real time - that part especially fucked me up. I've said it before, and it's still true. I'm ashamed I haven't been present, and I'm so sorry.
I tell myself no one cares about the person behind the audios so it's easier to shut everyone out, ignore everything, and curl into a ball. I really don't let a whole lot of people get close to me - if they get too close I disappear. I'm afraid of losing people so I leave them first - I've always done this and didn't realize how much that hurts people because I assumed I didn't mean that much to them anyway. I was wrong and I'm sorry. In spite of our differences, my mom was extremely important to me. She was one of the few people I let in, and losing her fucked me up entirely. So no, I'm absolutely not ok. I've isolated myself from everybody and gave in to self-pity. If I'm not high, I'm crying. It's pretty pathetic. Sharing this is embarrassing. But at least you know where I've been.
I suppose the big question is where I'm going. Where WE'RE going.
I haven't finished editing the last thing I recorded, so I'll start there. I'm sure I can have it ready for Sunday. I'll take my August plans and do them now, one at a time. Rebuild like I did when I came back last March - we had a couple of really great months there before mom's memorial set off a chain reaction of "holy shit this is real, she's really gone" in my head.
If you decide to stay with me, I appreciate you.
I also have no hard feelings if you don't - I totally get it and am thankful to have had you here at all.
This year has sucked. I've sucked. I'm sorry.
I'll try again to do better. I owe you that much.
Comments (47)
Please take all the time you need, there us no need to much back into anything especially after a time like this Your audios (sfw and nsfw) have brought tremendous support during a very stressful high point in my life so all I can really say is thank you, we're here for you, stay safe, and take all the time you need
Everyone was so kind to me throughout everything, and I appreciate that so much. I'm happy to say these days I'm doing much much better and having fun creating again. I'm happy you're here!
I'm a little late to the party but I'm sorry to hear all of this. Please take all the time you need, you owe us nothing and we are all here for you as much as you'll let us be ❤️ love you Audi.
Oh, man. I'm really sorry to hear that things have been so rough for you. I know there's not much we can do besides writing sympathetic comments, but I hope you'll let us know when/if we can do something to help you. Would it be alright if I wrote a short comment on your last YouTube community post letting people know that you're...well, certainly not "okay", but alive and working on getting there? A few people have left comments, and they seem concerned. Something like: "Audi posted an update to Patreon. Short version: she's going through it. She's physically safe, but struggling emotionally and psychologically. She's working on getting back to being okay and planning to come back to YT once she does. Meanwhile, we should all wish her the best until she's ready to come back." Would that be okay?
Yes, of course. I'll be back there as soon as I can.
I’m so sorry Audi, you’ve had such a brutal go of it the last few years. Take whatever you need, do whatever you need. We’ll be here when or if you come back. Your well-being is always paramount 💖
I understand. Take all the time you need. Focus on yourself first. We will still be here when you're ready.
I am coming up on something like this and I really have no idea what I am going to do about it and what I am going to be like on the other side of it. So if there is a manual for this I sure as hell don't got it. It's awful thinking about you stuck in a box shaped apartment isolated and spiraling. So just for the record, If you walked away from this whole thing right now you'd be the best to ever do it. It's not even close. So don't worry about the work, we got what we paid for with just the catalog. It's okay and also probably mandatory to miss your mom, but please don't go beating yourself up on our account.
I WISH there was a manual that came with this - even though I'm fully grown and have been living on my own for years, I feel like a lost little kid simply because my mom isn't here. I was so lucky to have her to catch me every time I fell and now there's nothing underneath me but vast emptiness. It makes me feel alone in the universe, even when I know that isn't ACTUALLY the case. I have no plans to hang up my mic just yet, I have loved telling stories and there are still more I'd like to tell, but thank you so much for your kindness. I'm happy to know I've made even a slight difference in anyone's life. Although I must say the last couple of years have been completely emotionally devastating, I still believe this will pass and I will find a way to be happy and productive again, and I'm beyond thankful for the grace I've been given by perfect strangers online. I may be down at the moment, but I won't be down forever. And when the time comes that you have to deal with something like this, as you mentioned, you will be OK too. It just gets really really dark before the dawn, so hang in as best you can. That's what I'm trying to do, too. 💜
Went through something similar when I lost my mom years ago, when I had those moments I felt like shit about it. But I heard a metaphor that struck with me : Grief is like a box with a ball and a button inside of it. Everytime the ball pushes the button, it strikes. At the beginning the ball takes up the entire box so it's just always pressing the button. As time goes the ball gets smaller, but nonetheless it can still happen, no matter the size of it, that it presses the button and you just feel drained and sad and grieve again. But the important thing is to remember that there's no shame to be felt about it happening. All the wishes to you as you go through those difficult times, take the time you need, it's important.
Take ur time and recover:)
Please take all the time you need to heal. We're with you every step of the way and will be here when you return.
I understand the high bit hope shit gets better
Ive personally been in this situation it'll take some time and its different for everyone but overall, do not be embarrassed about it and no need to overthink it. Feel what you need to feel first. That is what is most important. Focus on what you can/are able to do. Slowly build up from there and take one step at a time. If you regress that is alright, it happens. From that point slowly start again. Im Cheering for you Audi!
I just gotta say -- reading these responses makes me so freaking proud of this community. My faith in humanity is sometimes hard to come by, but you guys all just brought it roaring back. All the love, SB.
So sorry to hear you’re struggling Audi, look after yourself first and foremost. Grief is an abundance of love with no place to go. I lost my sister 12 years ago and the grief still unexpectedly strikes out, leaving me winded. Trying to figure out who you are with such a big piece missing takes time and patience. Take all the time you need ❤️
I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose my sister. Thank you for understanding - after the past year, I don't even know who I am anymore and that's a perfect way to describe it.
Don't worry sweet angel, i'm not going anywhere. Do you want to know why ? Because i care SO MUCH about the woman behind the audios. So, you owe me nothing. You have all my support. I just hope you'll find peace after all this shitty time . French kiss from Québec 💋✌️
So sorry to hear that 😢 I sadly know first hand how difficult it is to loose someone important in your life. Please take all the time you need. At the end, we will be here waiting for you. 🫂
I’m so sorry to hear your having such a rough time right now I hope it starts getting easier soon and it will over time but you don’t need to feel bad or embarrassed about anything you’re gone through one of the worst experiences anyone can go through your reaction is perfectly normal your doing a great job even if it doesn’t feel like it you got through this once already you’ll get through it again and nobody is going anywhere we’ll be waiting right here whenever you feel ready to return no matter how long it takes you got this
Thank you for letting us know. Take all the time you need however. Your health is way more important.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it cause I’ve been in your shoes for the last few years. You have every right not to be ok. Life sucks on an epic scale. It will never be like it was but it will get better. So take every chance you get with the people in your heart and tell them you love them.
Take your time, your health is important then our attention.
You don't owe us anything. You're a human being with emotions, problems and weaknesses. But also strength - because it sure as hell took strength to bare yourself in this message you wrote here. You're not a machine that can mindlessly work and produce. You don't owe us anything. You are a human being with bad days. But I'm sure there are good days coming again. There is a quote from Ishmael Beah's book 'A long way gone' that stuck with me. At first glance it might seem sad - it can definitely be interpreted in a pessimistic way. But I find it oddly comforting and see the optimistic perspective. The quote goes: "If you are alive, there is hope for a better day and something good to happen. If there is nothing good left in the destiny of a person, he or she will die." That second sentence might seem pessimistic. But I think, it emphasizes the first sentence. You will only go through bad times, because there are still good times ahead. And the people that leave us, won't have to suffer through bad times anymore. I hope this perspective can bring you the same comfort it brings me. At the very least I hope it doesn't make things worse! Take care, Audi. We are here, because we care.
I absolutely love that quote, and it makes perfect sense to me. It IS optimistic, in my opinion. Tomorrow will be a better day. Thank you for sharing that ❤️ it helps more than you know.
I hope you get the chance to feel better soon. I'm sure a lot of us here get the feelings of depression and loneliness to some degree or another and can empathize. Hope you feel better soon!
❤️
First off, I can only add to what the others said and say that please take care of yourself, your health and your life. I know this may sound silly coming from a random stranger on the internet, but I'm impressed to see that you took your time to open up to us. I bet that took a lot of strength and will, especially with all the things you mentioned above in mind. I'm proud of you. I was honestly starting to get a bit worried as you stayed silent here for over a month, fearing.. something very serious might have happened. Not because of..content or whatever, but because of you, the person, the human being. I think we all are relieved to know that while you feel not good right now (which is an understatement, I know), you are still here with us. As the others already said, don't worry too much about 'owing' something to us. I think it's pretty hard to..well..moan into a microphone and act sexy when you don't feel well. Sorry, this is a lot text and stuff others have already said. Again, please take your time and don't feel rushed to release anything. As you can see you have our support here, even if it's just text on a screen. If that helped you just a little bit, it's all worth it. I really hope that you will get better soon.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I cannot even imagine the things you’re feeling right now. I am so sorry you’ve been dealing with all of this. Please take care of yourself before anything else.
Hey, you're entitled to feel your feelings. Losing a parent is not easy, like losing anyone in your life. You were very involved in this real situation and the difficulty is real. You get to be who you are beyond all the fantasy and have real raw feelings. I know that you will find relief and joy once again. Those who love you will be there to love and support you whenever you are ready to be there. I suggest walking in nature and talking to your mom as if she was still here. You got this. Thank you for being honest. Love you.
I was with her when she was diagnosed with cancer and went with her to appointments and cooked and cleaned her house and helped her shower and tried to make her laugh and I'm grateful I was able to move here and do that. I wouldn't trade that part. I still talk to her all the time and she shows up in my dreams, so that's at least something. I thought losing my dad made me a grief expert but holy crap I was so wrong. Losing my grandmother in January '23 and then my mom in December showed me I didn't know jack squat.
Don't worry about anything except making sure you're OK health comes first both physical and mental people have different reactions to grief so don't be ashamed of taking time of for yourself.
There is absolutely nothing you have to apologize to us for. You’ve had an incredibly difficult year, one I can’t even begin to imagine how I’d handle. I wish I had better words for it, but please first and foremost take care of yourself and don’t overwhelm yourself on our account.
I understand what you’re feeling, trust me I speak of experience over 10 years I lost my mom when I was 15. I felt like I was crushed, broken and alone it took me a while to get myself through that phase your experiencing atm. You are not alone in this so please take the time you need and deserve we all want to make sure you’re feeling 💯 and I hope you have a great day and always keep your head up💙
I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️ I wish you couldn't relate to this feeling, but I feel relieved that I'm not alone in it.
Ms. Audi I hope you see this message and understand that you are not alone. I'm sure many of people here can relate or understand your pain, and you should know we are here for you. Regardless of if you make or don't make content, that doesn't matter to us, because what matters to us is you. I know you are in pain and many of us wish we could take it away. However these comments are all we can give, but we hope they will help Take as much time as you need to heal, we can wait days, months or even years, so don't feel pressured. We all love you, and will be here when you need shoulders to cry on.
It helps more than you know. And it's appreciated more than I could put into words.
Hey Audi, please take all the time you need and look after yourself, that's the most important thing. Thank you for the update explaining things, I'm not planning on going anywhere.
Please please please if you have to take a break, don't matter how long if it means you get to feel better, more important than audios is your well being, am not worried bout getting content if I know ur hurting and the most I can do is to give well wishes
Take care of yourself and take your time no rush you are fantastic at what you do sending you hugs in these difficult times 💖 🤗
*hug
First and foremost, take care of yourself. Your fans love you because of who you are and how much passion you put into your creations, and any sane person would prefer to see you happy more than anything else. I went through something similar: loss, depression, isolation. It's hard, and I'm not sure anything I can say makes it easier. Just know you're not alone. You don't have to open yourself to everyone, but remember that the people in your life DO care about you. Some of us have been there, some of us haven't, but we all are strangers together in this mad world and we will all help each other in any absurd way we can.
Depression and isolation are the most powerful punches, I swear. They work together to knock the wind right out of you. I'm sorry you've been here too, even though it's always nice to not feel alone in this. ❤️
We do care about you. The voice behind the audio means so much to me. Take your time, i am not going anywhere.
Imo. You don't owe us anything. Please take your time to grieve and heal. I can only imagine how difficult this was to write. It's ok to not be ok.
No worries. You went through a difficult time and it takes a while to heal.
Take as long as you need hun we are all here for you do anything at your own pace