Fishman schemes for uncertain times
Occasionally (but increasingly frequently) I am awoken at about 3AM by the hands of Desmond Fishman, vigorously shaking me out of my hard-earned slumber. "Daddy," he says in his voice rich as plum pudding, "the country's going to the dogs and I know what to do about it." He pushes a pencil and pad into my hands and makes me transcribe his ideas. Only then does he go back to his attic bedroom whereupon I am allowed to return to sleep.
Now, not all of these ideas are fit for public consumption. But here are three of his suggestions to give Britannia a lift back into better days. I will present them in order of palatability.
"I consider this my manifesto. A lot of good ideas are being ignored. We're not using the resources we have - like the game of British Bulldog or sluggish newly-formed adults - to boost productivity and pull out of the post-pandemic slump."
"This one's a bit more contentious so bear with me. Just as large swathes of the UK's protected "green belt" land are actually nondescript and ideal for carefully managed housebuilding projects, so too are the disused parts of our Royal Family being wasted. Prince Andrew has made mistakes, and rightly suffered censure. But his vital energy (remember: members of the Royal Family are 10x more powerful than regular Britons) could be redirected to invigorate economically depressed regions of the country eg the North East. So I thought he could tour a one-man show, "Poems of Apology" in regional theatres. He's sure to be a draw to the peanut gallery, and as word of mouth builds, he could eventually transfer to the West End, contributing millions of tourist pounds to the public coffers. At night he would sleep in the back of his car."
Comments (27)
Speaking of Des, I recently became aware of his Sanrio counterpart, Hangyodon..
Koo Stark was a warning to all of us.
Make him pay rent
I don't think I'm familiar enough with the UK to get half these references, but I like the energy. New NHS logo is fire.
Do we have enough school playgrounds to make British Bulldog mandatory? Better get building on that green belt
I now know more about the game of [British Bulldog](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/British_bulldog_(game)) than I did before, which was nothing.
I'm sure Reform plc would take Des's national renewal plans in their entirety. I can see Des sharing a platform on Newsnight with that nice Mr Tice.
NO!
But The Sweatless One might melt under the stage lights! The Man Who Never Needs To Bath! Brought down by his super-power! The Pathos!
Some fine ideas, naturellement, but Desmond has overlooked, or ignored, the vital place of British Root Vegetables in regenerating the UK!
..as opposed to most 3AM thoughts, these are actually still funny in the light of day. Oh wait, these were supposed to be serious ideas??
Hey, there are wackier ideas floating around the political universe today...
Hmm. I dunno, I can't help but feel that even with the best of intentions, Desmond would just end up creating an Orwellian dystopian nightmare world.
Desmond's ideas for Britain are better-considered and promise a greater effect than what the current executive branch is doing on my side of the pond...
You didn't specify whether it was in order of increasing or decreasing palatability, but I think I got which of the two it is.
Bravo!
Best ideas since the Spitfire!
Can the new Fishman regime take back the American colonies? It can't be worse than what we have now.
Des says he "wouldn't touch the USA with a bargepole"
Bold, unconventional ideas! Maybe add Prince Andrew to the Folk Fayre bill, he could challenge all comers to a game of British Bulldog at the end of the show.
I was quite convinced that “HRH” was rapping.
Well he could be.
#Des4Pres
He'll be the first president of the UK!
Des knows what’s what! I’m all in for the Folk Fayre.
Is it Desmond Fishman in a Boris Johnson mask, or Boris Johnson in a Desmond Fishman mask? WE MAY NEVER KNOW.
NO