New Decameron Eighty-Six: Tina Connolly

Texts From My Mother About The Alien Invasion

by Tina Connolly

Mom: hi honey what do u put in your banana bread when you make it? 

• Me: well bananas I guess

Mom: i think u said ur trick was yogurt but i'm out because of the alien invasion and so will cream do?

• Me: OMG MOM WAIT WHAT?

• Me: WHAT ALIEN INVASION??? WHERE???

Mom: on the golf course about hole 7 or 8

Mom: ur dad might know which hole but he's still out playing and i told him i would do banana bread for bridge group tonight so can i use cream?

• Me: No, cream is not good substitute for yogurt maybe sour cream?? How do you know there will even be bridge?

Mom: oh honey we never miss bridge group

Mom: i guess mr stubbs was decapitated at hole 10 when he didn’t kneel to them but u know he never wears his hearing aid

Mom: anyway we’ll get a sub

Mom: mrs mitchell always wants to play but she can’t since mr mitchell left her

• Me: hang on I’m googling this

Mom: and nobody knows where he is but it’s real hush hush, probably canada

• Me: OMG mom they said the aliens put your city in a giant forcefield, like a dome

Mom: yes and the dome went right through the grocery store and the milk is on this side but the yogurt is on the other side

Mom: i don’t know why this always happens to me when i try to make a recipe

Mom: it never comes out the same as yours

• Me: The aliens are saying they’ll let you out if the president gives into their demands.

Mom: yes that’s what they were telling mr stubbs i guess

Mom: well after mr stubbs decapitation they grabbed mr pratt up the street which is fine by me because he’s had those horrible dead bushes in his yard for two years

Mom: maybe now he’ll clean them out

• Me: How can he if the aliens took him??

Mom: oh well not permanently took. they’re using him as a mouth speak thing i don’t remember what it’s called

• Me: OMG Mom the aliens are bodysnatchers it’s saying.

• Me: They’re infiltrating people. You have to get out of there.

Mom: i thought i said it’s bridge night and anyway if you’d come to see me like you were supposed to then this wouldn’t have happened

• Me: ??? If I were there seeing you I’d be stuck too.

Mom: well i don’t know maybe we would have taken a trip or something

• Me: On bridge night??

Mom: hang on honey ur father’s home 

Mom: he looks a little shaken up

• Me: maybe he saw the beheading

Mom: okay it’s okay he says not to worry

• Me: mom?

Mom: they’re friendly he says

• Me: that sounds suspicious

Mom: play a good game of golf

• Me: MOM HE’S A BODYSNATCHER GET OUT!!!

Mom: oh that’s sweet of u to worry honey, i’ll tell him that u asked about him

Mom: he says ur sweet to worry and did u remember to sign up for ur 401k

• Me: ok that’s dad all right

• Me: what about the beheading tho?

Mom: i guess it was an accident with their laser pointer

Mom: anyway apparently there’s only twelve of them and they only need twelve bodies

Mom: wow ur father invited them to bridge group well they better come in pairs is all i can say

• Me: i can’t even

Mom: oh good, one did take over mr pratt maybe he likes getting rid of dead bushes better than the last mr pratt

• Me: the president is back on again. I guess they have 100 more ships? They will leave the rest of us in peace if they can make their 100 more colonies.

Mom: ur father says they’re going to keep it at 95 degrees in here

Mom: under the dome

Mom: they have big heat lamps

Mom: this will be really good u know how i have a tough time in winter

• Me: This is their RETIREMENT COMMUNITY???

• Me: srsly WTF

Mom: i hope that means what the frigidaire

• Me: they retire by taking over humans and playing bridge

Mom: and tearing out dead bushes i hope

• Me: ok the prez is directing the rest of them to florida in exchange for the dome technology

• Me: this is the weirdest day

Mom: tell me about it

Mom: now explain to me what i can make for bridge group if i have bananas, cream, and flour, but i can’t make anything that will remind mrs stubbs of her decapitated husband?

Mom: honey??

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They are both grinning as Maya puts the book down. "That gets the tone of texts like that just right," he says.

"Did you get the banana bread?" she asks.

He shakes his head. "I know it's past lunchtime, and I am hungry, but not that hungry. Fortunately we had all that delicious ippee-appee and beans."

"Yes, I think we'll last out without that banana bread made with all the wrong things," Maya agrees. She gets up and stretches, then sits down again. "Shall we read some more?"

"I've a story by A.J. Hammer called An Exaltation," he says, picking it up and passing it to her.

Maya takes it, and they read.