Let me pick your Brain! - Part 4
Hello everyone, LunaWolve here!
I'm hard at work on the next chapters and require another discerning glance on a passage from my beloved Patrons.
Trying hard to finish another chapter before the next week, as I might be coming down with another ear infection (the other ear, this time <.<'), which will likely cut into my writing time, if it does come to pass.
Please keep in mind that this passage feedback WILL contain SPOILERS for upcoming chapters, by necessity.
So if you're not interested in reading passages from future chapters ahead of time, do not engage with this post, below the disclaimer!
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----- Passage Feedback Below --------- That means there are spoilers involved! -----
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----- Passage Feedback Below --------- That means there are spoilers involved! -----
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[After a long string of fights against her fellow Marines, Thea gets a bit of a breather and time to think.]
[Start of passage]
As she walked towards the benches near the equipment rack to take her first break in what felt like days, she briefly summoned up the descriptions before her inner-eye, wanting to do another, deeper, dive into potential overlaps and patterns with the System Abilities.
‘First up, the one from Rennix… He really did end up having a bad matchup with me, similar to Astra, didn’t he…?’
[Active (Iron) - Enveloping Darkness - Level 1]
Description: Allows the participant to use up a certain amount of Stamina and Focus in order to instantly absorb all light, creating a field of absolute darkness, in a radius around them.
Cost: 40 Stamina & 40 Focus - Effect Radius: 5 Metres - Effect Duration: 3 Second(s).
Reading through the description once again, Thea thought to herself, ‘If he had gone up against pretty much anyone else, they’d likely have suffered quite a lot from this effect… He also did mention that it doesn’t affect himself, which isn’t really listed here… That’s definitely an interesting piece of information that I’ll need to mention to Karania: The descriptions are not fully filled out. I do wonder how the System determines what information to list and what not to…?
‘It’s also interesting that there’s Abilities that take both Stamina and Focus at the same time… I do wonder how the cost is calculated, actually… The two Abilities I’ve seen so far were around the 50-60 cost, but this one is at a combined 80. Is that because that’s just how the Ability was priced, or are hybrid-style Abilities more costly by default…?’
Noting down her questions mentally to ensure she wouldn't forget about them in the future, Thea continued to review the list of Ability descriptions she had mentally saved over the recent hours. As with many instances in her life thus far, she was extremely thankful for her exceptional memory, which allowed her to engage in this kind of post-analysis whenever she needed to.
‘Next up would be… Dylan. I’m very happy he agreed to share his Ability, considering I never got to see it during the fight. I’ll have to somehow, properly thank him at some point in the future.’
[Active (Iron) - Neural Interface - Level 1]
Description: Allows the participant to wirelessly connect to nearby electronic devices up to a certain tier without requiring a physical interface themselves. Once connected, interaction will happen through mental commands. This Ability requires Line Of Sight to activate.
Cost: 60 Focus - Effect Range: 5 Metres - Effect Duration: 1 Minute(s) - Effect Limit: Up to Tier 2 Devices
Reading through the Ability multiple times in a row, Thea focused on the newest pieces of information first, ‘I remember Line Of Sight from some games back Lumiosia… Speaking of which, this one would have been an absolute game changer back in the arcade… Some of those machines were an absolute pain in the ass to open up and get connected to. With this Ability, I could’ve easily doubled or tripled my maintenance records…!’
Realising that she was drifting off into her own thoughts once again, Thea refocused her efforts on getting the analysis done, before Lt. Eifang announced the next steps in their Practical.
‘So… Line Of Sight… This is the first time I’ve seen something like this mentioned, but I guess it makes sense. None of the other Abilities have affected anything beyond the immediate self or surroundings. Except maybe Astra’s… I really need to catch up with her and ask her for her Ability. Her Ability was absolutely terrifying.
‘If Line Of Sight is a thing, I wonder if the Allbright System also considers Line Of Effect, separately? Regardless, it’s good to know that Abilities exist that can affect things at range… Although I do wonder how that even works. It really does seem like Magic, at first glance… I should ask Karania if she has any ideas on how the System does this stuff - whether there’s any scientific backing for it that she can think of, or not…’
She mentally noted down her questions once again, before moving onto her third Ability description.
‘This class is really an absolute treasure trove of information… Weirdly enough, I’ve learned more about Abilities here, than in the 8-or-so hours of the System 101 lecture… Although, I guess, it’s not really a fair comparison, considering that the 101 was mostly to get us up to speed with just what exactly is going on, while the Practical is hyper-focused on getting us fighting and testing the Abilities…'
[End of passage]
Similarly to the last times, I'd like to hear first impressions. I won't be providing further context, as it's simply a test to see how people would react to this particular passage and the information included in it.
Does it feel natural?
Do you see any issues?
Is it repetitive or boring?
Is the information easy to understand?
Do descriptions need to be added or updated?
Would you consider this a welcome break to the constant action of the recent chapters, while keeping you invested in the current on-goings of the Pratical class?
Would you want the Ability descriptions to show up in more segregated ways, or are multiple Ability dumps like this preferred (multiple in a row vs one here or there, every couple chapters)?
Those are the kind of things I'd like to know!
Thank you once again for your support, it is extremely and highly appreciated!
Comments (18)
Reads good. It doesnt feel wrong. Have no context how fitting it is with the rest of the chapter.
Thanks for the feedback!
I'd like to see Thea maybe relate some of these abilities to what types they'd be in a game, like AoE, Area Denial, etc. I think it would also be interesting to see if maybe she'd have an idea about what kind of abilities would fill in her tool kit, what to spend points on, and also her passive. She hasn't used it. I think maybe mastering some kind of moving meditation like samurai so she can basically fight and meditate. Cool way to add some slight OP without breaking character balance.
I like the chapter so far! Having Thea analyze the opponent’s moves after fighting them is definitely something she would do, so it is in line with her character while also giving us a more thorough understanding of abilities as well. However I do hope that plot development also happens in the chapter. Like I don’t want the whole chapter to be just Thea reflecting on the fights. I would want something else to happen in the full chapter, like the guy in charge getting them started on the individual fights for the top dogs or something. Maybe end the chapter after Thea gets in the ring with her first individual fight? That’s just an example though. If you want to wait a couple chapters for more combat that’s up to you. I just personally would like to see some plot development happen as well. Chapters that just have info/ MC reflection are usually not the most thrilling to read lol but you have never failed to deliver so far so I have full faith in you making an interesting chapter! Good luck and keep up the great job! 😊
Definitely planned to have plot development as well! Can't have a full chapter just her sitting on a bench somewhere with nothing else going on, after all.
Just a couple minor grammar errors jumped out at me. "...deeper, dive" -doesn't need that comma there (the previous one was correct, but this one isn't breaking up adjectives. Dive is the subject of the verb) "There's Abilities" should be "there're" or "there are." Other than that, it read exactly like someone with VR experience trying to break down their experience and comprehend it in a way they relate to.
Good pointers, thank you!
So far so good on the flow it feels natural. The ability descriptions are good it allows for some inventive ability stretching, like the shadow ability has a small area of effect so it could be used to hide a few people on stealth missions. I don't know what to plan for the future but I would use the next few chapters to expand the world's lore and give the info you want but I would start speeding up the time passing as you get past the first test mission or your gonna get a lot of unneeded bloat. You might want a few chapters to get more detailed information across about the state of the world what training entails and potentially what abilities they develop/earn. I'm not telling you how to write but it can be very easy to get bogged down in the day to day of Thea's life and that gets boring quick if things aren't moving fast enough. But that's not bean a problem so far you've hit it pretty much perfectly
Thanks for the feedback! Definitely planned to speed things up very soon. We only have to get through the next 2 lectures (Warfare 101 and Galatic Politics 101), to get the basics out of the way. After that it's straight to Equipment/Ability shopping and into the next major assessment with Alpha Squad for a bunch of chapters of Boots-On-The-Ground action. Once they're back from that assessment, things will be measured in weeks/months moreso than day-to-day as we have now.
I like how descriptions don't always do justice to the abilities. That way our heros need to theorycraft and analyze themselves. Stat/ability dumps often sounds great to me. I love rechecking her stats/abilities. I read ends of magic and really liked the approach there with all that data at end of chapter under spoiler tag. That darkness ability seems so insane for iron rank... 5 metres is soooo big! Ps. I really liked the ccq fights, they are very exciting.
Thank you for the feedback! I'm glad to hear you've enjoyed the recent CQC fight chapters!
It does feel pretty natural, if Neural interface does what the name implies maybe add the word "mental" somewhere in the description. maybe something like "Description: Allows the participant to mentally connect and manipulate nearby electronic devices up to a certain tier without requiring a physical interface themselves. Once connected, interaction will happen through mental commands. This Ability requires Line Of Sight to activate." Possible just a personal preference but still. Regardless without the change it is still easy to read and easy to understand.
It read like she is a gamer trying to figure out the logic behind the abilities and not a fighter that have just faces these abilities in a life or death battle. If that’s what you are going for
Very much what Thea's thought process would be like, so yes! That's the perfect way to take it.
Looks good to me. I wonder if Thea were to use Astra's ability while using her own, if it would be extra disorienting for the opponent. Every time Thea has used her ability she has been able to look around everywhere to check for threats, imagine having to deal eith that much eye movement without the slow down effect.
Good lord that sounds utterly terrifying! :O
Alright so, first thing that jumps out at me. "‘It’s also interesting that there’s Abilities that take both Stamina and Focus at the same time… I do wonder how the cost is calculated, actually… The two Abilities I’ve seen so far were around the 50-60 cost, but this one is at a combined 80. Is that because that’s just how the Ability was priced, or are hybrid-style Abilities more costly by default…?’" Doesn't seem to include any information regarding the Eyes of the Stellarch ability she was shown in the lecture a few chapters ago.
‘I remember Line Of Sight from some games back Lumiosia… back in Lumiosia