Let me pick your Brain! - Part 3
Hello everyone, LunaWolve here!
I'm hard at work on the next chapters and require another discerning glance on a passage from my beloved Patrons.
Please keep in mind that this passage feedback WILL contain spoilers for upcoming chapters, by necessity. So if you're not interested in reading passages from future chapters ahead of time, do not engage with this post, below the disclaimer!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----- Passage Feedback Below --------- That means there are spoilers involved! -----
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----- Passage Feedback Below --------- That means there are spoilers involved! -----
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Thea meditated briefly to regain some of her breath from the last round.]
[Start of passage]
Feeling a familiar tug at his mind, Lan suddenly found himself standing near the equipment racks inside the arena. Shaking off the slight disorientation caused by the reset, which he was keenly familiar with from the previous two years of basic, he knew what the reset meant for him.
'Damn it. She completely beat me in every regard… I just can't believe how natural her movements are! I figured, having trained all of yesterday evening to get my new body's Attributes under control, that I'd have a leg up, but compared to her, I might as well have completely wasted my time… It's like she has years of experience fighting with an enhanced body like this. Just how in the Emperor's name is this even possible…?!'
Looking over towards his adversary in the centre of the arena, who was similarly observing him as well, his frustration at the loss of the first round intensified.
'She isn't even winded… Just what do her Attributes look like?! And I haven't figured out her Ability yet either… Fuck.'
Realising that standing near the equipment rack, looking stunned by the outcome, wouldn't do him any favours when it came to his peers' perception of him, Lan moved back to the center of the arena with measured steps, while trying to formulate a plan.
'I can't be defensive against this monster. She'll simply take me apart, slowly but surely, like she did last time. So full offence it is. I can't hold onto my Ability anymore either. I need to win at least one round; even if I end up out of Stamina by the time the third round comes around, I can't afford to lose against a mid-worlder 0:2… If only the rest of the guys were in here to actually fight her, they'd understand…'
With a deep, inward sigh at the fact that his clique's peers had such a strange, hardline obsession with mid-worlders being brought into the UHF Marine Corps having been a mistake, Lan prepared himself for the next round.
He briefly noted that Thea was still missing her second dagger, which had been left exactly where he had deflected it towards during her final attack.
'Looks like she's resourceful enough to use the arena's functions to the fullest, too… Alpha Squad is no joke, alright.'
Having come up with a rudimentary plan for the second round, Lan walked up to the starting position, indicating to Thea that he was ready to go again with a wave of his chainsword.
With an acknowledging nod, his adversary took her strange, crouched stance once again, before the countdown appeared between them. At the same time, the discarded dagger of the previous round, which had been lying next to Lan's starting position the entire time, suddenly disappeared and materialised in Thea's left hand.
They had shared no words since the very start of the first round, and Lan's respect for the mid-worlder before him inevitably rose another notch upon realisation. She was a real fighter at heart. Someone who understood that when it came down to it, blow-for-blow, there was no need for idle chatter or banter. All that mattered were the actions during the fight; that was their language to converse in during this bout.
Smiling slightly to himself upon realising this, Lan thought about how none of his peers seemed to understand this basic idea of duelling, yet claimed to be superior to the mid-worlder before him. He focused his mind on the battle ahead, swearing to himself that he would do everything in his power to win this round and hold nothing back.
Lan knew that this resolve was not just for his own sake, but also as a show of respect for his opponent, who had quickly demonstrated how wrong he had been to underestimate a member of Alpha Squad.
As the countdown reached the last second, he prepared himself to receive his opponent, anticipating that she might repeat the same, extremely fast, dash-in start from the previous round.
As the countdown reached zero, Lan's muscles tensed, ready to spring into action the moment Thea made her move. He was determined to win this round and prove to himself that he could adapt to her exceptional fighting style. The energy in the arena was palpable, and Lan could feel the eyes of his fellow Marines watching their every move from the outside, ultimately unable to fully remove the spectators from his mind.
Just as he had anticipated, Thea launched herself forward with lightning speed, replicating her dash-in start from the previous round. Lan, however, was better prepared this time.
Instead of being taken aback by her speed, he used his own strength and agility to respond, swinging his chainswords with precision and power, aiming to intercept her as she closed in.
As the chainsword sliced through the air, Lan noticed that Thea's movements were slightly different this time, perhaps anticipating his adaptation in advance. She nimbly weaved around his attack, her smaller frame once again proving to be an advantage in dodging his powerful swings. Despite her evasive manoeuvres, Lan could tell that she was being more cautious, likely aware of his newfound determination.
Lan refused to let this deter him. He pressed on, relentlessly attacking Thea with a barrage of chainsword swings, each one faster and stronger than the last, determined to follow his more offensively-oriented plan he had prepared before the start of the round. He figured that the key to defeating her lay in pushing her to her limits, forcing her to make a mistake or expose a weakness.
After all, he just needed to connect a single strike to win the round.
As the battle raged on, Lan found himself gaining ground, slowly forcing Thea to retreat as she continued to dodge and parry his onslaught. He could feel a newfound sense of confidence surging through him, fueling his resolve to win this round. Every time their weapons clashed, sparks flew, illuminating the arena with a brilliant display of their intense combat.
Once again, Lan found himself in awe of his opponent’s ability to fully utilize her heightened Attributes. He was unable to detect any wasted movements in her feints, dodges, and parries. 'How did she get used to this body so quickly? Does Alpha Squad have access to a training room with the time dilation tech Major Quinn mentioned?!'
As Lan continued his aggressive barrage of chainsword strikes, he began to feel the weight of his heavy armour, which had been dutifully protecting him from Thea’s relentless counterattacks.
'I'll lose if I continue at this pace,' he thought. 'She might not seem like she has a ton of stamina, but her ability to conserve energy with her efficient movements really makes up for it. If we were fighting a couple of weeks down the line, once I’ve learned how to use this new, enhanced body, I might even be able to beat her outright. But as it stands, I'll run out of steam before she does.'
Realising that he needed to alter his attack pattern to speed up the fight's conclusion, Lan pushed his body forward into Thea’s range, trusting his heavy armour to withstand the brunt of her retaliatory stabs and slices.
Lan noticed Thea's eyes widened slightly at the sudden change in his fighting style, further convincing him that he was on the right track to overwhelm his opponent. As his attacks grew more ferocious and his persistent forward movement pushed Thea further back, he finally detected a pattern in the way she parried his strikes.
'That's it! When I attack with my left sword, she parries downward instead of to the side...!'
Unable to fully conceal his excitement at the sudden revelation, Lan smiled as he continued to relentlessly swing at Thea's retreating form. After confirming his suspicions with a few more combination attacks, paying extra attention to how his opponent parried his left-hand strikes, Lan became confident in his plan.
During the next combination attack, just as he executed his left-hand strike, he mentally commanded the System to activate his Ability.
‘Surging Strike’
[End of Passage]
Similarly to the last times, I'd like to hear first impressions. I won't be providing further context, as it's simply a test to see how people would react to this particular passage and the information included in it.
Does it feel natural?
Do you see any issues?
Is it repetitive or boring?
Is the information easy to understand?
Do descriptions need to be added or updated?
How do you feel about the PoV and PoVs in general?
Should the PoV be changed to somebody else's perspective, if so, why?
Those are the kind of things I'd like to know!
Thank you once again for your support, it is extremely and highly appreciated!
Comments (23)
do patreon have a schedule for chapters releases?
That's a fantastic question! I realised that I did not write that out anywhere, lol. Chapter releases on Patreon are guaranteed for the end of the week (Sunday afternoon), but you will either get the chapter OR news about when the chapter will likely drop, 1 hour after the RR releases. (So Tuesday/Friday at 9pm CEST) So that would be 1hr 20mins from now for today! (Spoiler: There is indeed a chapter release for today, on Patreon)
Did I miss it or did Thea not use her ununspend points until now. Would be odd if she crushed her opponent using only half her potential, but I assume they have less points to spend anyway because they are not level 4. I liked the change of point of view. Seems like she was training more than expected.
She did not use her points yet.
I liked it. I agree an outside perspective is good here. I wouldn’t enjoy if he was one of the more bigoted people, but this is fine. I think outside POVs are good but shouldn’t flood a story. Another option would have been an instructor spectating. I don’t know if the spar area blocks sound, but if it doesn’t, it seems like his compatriots would have thrown in some more taunts. Maybe before he thinks about them?
As a general note, I tend to be on the side that really enjoys seeing how other people react to the MC. That being said, this case it feels like the character is pretty detached, with him focusing more on Thea's training methods/opportunities than on the fight itself. It makes him seem like he's autopiloting the fight, which contrasts with him noticing specifics about how she's fighting.
Interesting!
I think the passage works well. The POV works for me because it shows us how Thea is veiwed from the outside, which is interesting to see when we have Thea constantly doubting herself. Those are POV shifts I don't mind.
No notes :)
"Shaking off the slight disorientation caused by the reset, which he was keenly familiar with from the previous two years of basic, he knew what the reset meant for him." Repetition of "the reset" in the same sentence.
blue balled us at the end lol
Wouldn't be one of my chapters if there wasn't some blue balling, eh?
No real comments about the writing itself, it seems on par with the rest of your story in terms of quality, and your writing style and techniques are both good overall. In terms of POV switches, I personally love them if done right, and this is certainly a situation where it’s both appropriate and well executed. The only thing I’d be wary of is making sure you don’t give out any major spoilers in an alternate POV that the MC themselves doesn’t know, minor stuff is fine but it can get frustrating for readers if we know something that the MC doesn’t, especially and primarily if that lack of information actively harms the MC. Other than that, it is pretty common for POV switches to use third person perspective when the main story is in first person perspective, as it prevents the switch from blending together and being difficult to tell the perspectives apart. - I work as an editor normally, so, while this isn’t specific or professional advice and I’m just helping casually, I figured I’d just give some basic comments that would apply to any author in your position. Oh, in case it matters, my RR username is PrometheusDarkflame since we’ve talked once or twice there before.
Personally i liked it, well written, POV is not a problem aslong as it ends there, we will need to switch back to Thea's POV after the surging strike, keeping an outside POV for too long would not fit your story all that well. everything else flows perfectly though
I liked it! The POV change is welcome! Though I hope to see the rest of the chapter once it’s released in Thea’s perspective lol
I liked it, I just woke up though so can’t give a true response yet. Will circle back in a few hours 😂
"As the countdown reached the last second, he prepared himself to receive his opponent, anticipating that she might repeat the same, extremely fast, dash-in start from the previous round." "Just as he had anticipated, Thea launched herself forward with lightning speed, replicating her dash-in start from the previous round" So this repetition of "dash-in start from the previous round" seems well, repetitive. You could probably end it the second sentence at speed without losing any information. We know from just a few sentences back what he was anticipating, so explaining it again isn't needed. As a separate thing, his view of this as a duel where talking isn't necessary seems very much a different viewpoint from how Thea/The Instructor see it. Shit-talking exists for a reason, and its because it works. Not all the time, if your opponent has a good mental game it might not help, but you can definitely use it to screw with your opponent mentally and get an edge. And using whatever you can to get an edge is an important part of fighting. If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying is a very much valid adage for war. Also... you put "[Thea meditated briefly to regain some of her breath from the last round.]" above the start of the passage, not sure if that's meant to be there or not?
Everything inside the angled brackets is context / author notes. It's to explain why she seems to 'not be winded at all', despite the previous chapter you've all read ending with "Breathing heavily, Thea stared at the body..." In the actual chapter it's obviously explained in a different way, than with angled brackets xD
I think a somewhat short PoV like this is fine, and the passahe felt like it flowed well.
If this was written in third person it wouldn’t be as jarring when going to another’s point of view. Usually when I read first person the author sticks with the one character. I think overall third person is probably preferable. Not to say I really enjoy this story. The content is great.
Nah, this is pretty standard. It’s generally considered proper practice to use third person for alternative POVs if the main story is written in first person. Using first for both is rather distracting as it tends to be difficult to tell when the perspective changed.
this is written well and all but i cant think of a royalroad story that was improved by multiple povs. it just muddys the story when we know more than the hero knows or when the hero is shown from the outside imo.
I disagree. I think this passage and Calamitous Bob for example uses the change of viewpoint to describe how the protagonist looks from an outsiders perspective with great effect. As long as it’s short.