I Was Promised Satanic Altars

Photo by Naveen Kumar on Unsplash

I was a boy in the years when Sally Jesse was a staple of daytime television. Oprah didn't have an empire, but did have a successful daytime television talk show. Geraldo had yet to get a chair broken on his face, on national television, I think. These were halcyonic years, before the likes of Jerry Springer took the format to its furthest logical conclusion. Before Judge Judy's faux outrage and venomous superiority complex became the court television standard. Judge Wapner seemed like an affable, pretty boring guy, trying to figure out what the hell was happening in the situation described by the participants in his show. 

Being at the tail end of Gen X, I was a latch key kid. During the summers, when I wasn't at my aunt's place in rural New York, I was home in my small town on suburban Long Island. One of the things so many of the movies about kids from that era did get right was the centrality of the bicycle to your life. I could traverse the entire town on any given day, depending on what was happening, at whose house or which ballfield or court. It wasn't unusual for groups of us in fours and fives to be peddling around all day. There was even a lot which had been cleared, and dirt brought in to level it, before construction was permanently halted due to the ground being too soft, meaning a structure being built on it would have started sinking almost immediately. We built our own BMX track using the dirt brought in to level the property and the foundation which had already been dug. It was complete with ill advised jumps far larger than kids our age and experience level should have been attempting, in days before protective gear was considered a must have for children on bicycles. We made it through with far fewer broken bones than I would think possible looking back at our antics, and many, many bruises and scrapes, but it did occupy us for a vast number of hours through childhood. 

The freedom of being a kid on a summer afternoon, with no one to report where you were going or who you were going to be with was our normal. There were a few parents who didn't work or parents who worked nights so they were home during the day, and they always had a general idea where we were going, but there was certainly no way to pin us down exactly without us making a phone call home, and there were no cell phones. Pagers were only beginning to make it to the consumer market. We just went. Maybe we made a phone call to someone to make plans. Often some basis of a plan was laid the day before. It was usually as full as "I'll come to your house tomorrow morning." 

One couldn't be out and about every single day though. There was rain sometimes. There was sickness. For some, there was punishment, being grounded occasionally. On those days, it was us and the boob tube or books, for some of us. Daytime television was obsessed with what we now refer to as The Satanic Panic. For a few years there, it was hard not to find at least one or two of the daytime talk shows featuring someone going on at length about the conspiracy of Satanic cults at work in every city and town in the nation. It wasn't just daytime television either. It was often a "feature" piece on local news shows, there were shows like 60 Minutes who did pieces about it, of course the likes of Inside Edition and Current Affairs with Maury Povitch, regularly made time for it. The respected national magazines were printing stories about them, there were books. Some of you may not have been paying attention, others may be too young to have lived through it, but when I say there were people on talks shows and television news programming and in print regularly talking about Satanic cults carrying out rituals, sacrificing animals, having sex rituals including children, in every city and town in the nation, I'm not being hyperbolic. Understand, most of these shows and new reports were about people being accused of being in cults or people confessing to have been in cults, people who specialized in hunting Satanic cults or in "getting people out" of Satanic cults. To put it plainly, this shit was everywhere. 

I'm pretty sure my interest in horror novels, movies and television already existed. I'd already read a few horror novels and was hooked. I wonder sometimes now, if the constant drumbeat of Satanic cults didn't also drive some of my budding obsession. I know I'd read Dean Koontz, The Watchers by then, the only details of which I now remember are related to a genetically enhanced super retriever who was basically the sidekick and guardian for a kid trying to stop a cult. A super smart dog as a sidekick is a great hook for any kid. 

These were also the years of the eighties kids adventure films. The Monster Squad, Goonies, Flight of the Navigator, The NeverEnding Story, E.T. and plenty of others. Fright Night and The Lost Boys would later bring these same ideas into the horror genre to great effect, with high school senior aged kids, instead of elementary or middle school aged protagonists. There were no shortage of them which prominently featured children either travelling to or having their adventures on bicycles. There's a reason the original poster for E.T. just featured the silhouette of Elliot and E.T. flying past the full moon, on Elliot's bicycle. This scene alone basically guaranteed kids were going to pester their parents to see it as many times as a parent could afford and could also stand to sit through it. It's really no wonder John Carpenter's The Thing, a seminal achievement in practical special effects and an excellent film in many other ways, was basically slain in its box office crib, as it hit theaters two weeks before E.T. In those days, a film wasn't pronounced a success or a flop based solely on its opening weekend. The Thing was, in its own way, a much more realistic description of its era than any of those children's adventure films or action blockbusters. The Thing was about the paranoia of being trapped with something which looked just like you, and wanted to replace you. It could be anyone. 

At least one or two days a week, we needed a break from our BMX track or the basketball court and would get together to spend many hours searching all of the local wooded areas, parks, abandoned buildings or anywhere we might find evidence of a Satanic ritual. Evidence of something being used as a Satanic Altar was the thing which was most likely to be left behind, according to news programming, and was the closest thing to definitive proof of Satanic cult activity. As heavy metal was targeted by the same people who were convinced of cults operating in every nook and cranny of Everytown U.S.A, it wasn't long at all before teenagers who'd found their youth culture in heavy metal adopted a good chunk of the symbolism their parents accused the bands of trying foist on innocent children. If there's anything I can say positively about this, it is that many teenagers were smart enough to realize how absurd all of this was, and to essentially start trolling the adult world in real life, before we had a word for trolling. It was an elaborate practical joke, which was accepted by the culture, and in turn, became profitable, which in turn guaranteed more of it. Some kids certainly missed the satirical bend, and were burning candles bought from Spencer Gifts, stationed around plastic skulls and trying to invoke Satan to piss off mom and dad, but the majority were either in on the joke or knew the imagery alone pissed off or alarmed their parents. Many of the musical acts were in on the joke too, as no shortage of music videos featured the exact scenario of pissed off parents, yelling at kids about heavy metal, before the band then arrived to show the kids a good time, and teach mom and/or dad a lesson by rocking so hard. In suburban white America, what passed for graffiti or what was as likely as anything else to be carved into a bench or desk was "666" or "Hail Satan!" Of course, this lead to believers in The Satanic Panic to claim this was just further proof of the existence of a nationwide Satanic conspiracy. 

Wanting to think of ourselves as would be intrepid adventurers, instead of children who probably would have been terrified to the point of delirium if we encountered a Satanic cult which sacrificed or used children in ritual sex magic, we did go through every bit of unlocked (and sometimes locked) abandoned structure, undeveloped and wooded land in our town and some in the next town over from us. Of course, it was all just the fun of trying to scare each other a bit, and the thrill of being in abandoned houses or buildings or exploring the woods. Occasionally, there was a genuine threat of falling through a floor. I have memories like still photos of the hot, still summer air, being pierced by sunlight through a hole in a roof and the beam being visibly full of dust we were kicking up, wondering slightly if we should be breathing it. We found plenty of spray painted pentacles, the aforementioned "666" or "Hail Satan," and that's as far as any evidence of Satanic cults got. We also found plenty of beer cans and bottles, evidence of teenagers having found a place to shield them from prying eyes as they began their adventures discovering mind altering substances. 

I don't know that my friends were taking the "search" aspect of it quite as seriously as I was. I think for them it was just an excuse to explore. We'd joke about Satanic cults, use the idea of finding an altar or a cult member to give each other the willies. I can remember feeling like there had to be a cult and an altar, somewhere in our town, if all these things on television and in the news were true. Because of the way they were reported at the time, specifically that teenage cults would use any abandoned buildings, wooded or secluded areas, and that they were everywhere in the country, I was both genuinely interested in searching for evidence, and enmeshed in the play of discovery, exploration and inquiry most kids get up to. It never occurred to me that what was essentially being claimed was two concurrent Satanic conspiracies. There were supposedly teenage cults, who had to go out and find some place to hide their rituals, and then there were the adult cults, who also sometimes had to find someplace to have their rituals, but were more likely to just throw their ritual in Mr. Johnson's living room or the basement of the local hardware store. I never thought to consider asking why the two seemed so separate. If the adults had a cult, and the teenagers had a cult, wouldn't they team up? Why are the teenagers having their rituals in the woods and abandoned buildings, when apparently there were plenty of adults in town who could have provided them ritual space at low to no cost. Were these cults so double secret secure they didn't even know about each others existence in the same towns? As an adult, I can't help but think this lack of communication would make your organization pretty ineffective. I've worked for a few that weren't so different in how little one hand knew what the other was doing. It's infuriating, and turnover is high. I can't imagine the compensation package for "Satan worshipper" was good enough to keep people around long. How do you even recruit for that? Was this Satanic network just another 80's MLM?  

"You get this robe. Isn't this material great? You also get these pretty black candles. You can get them in different scents too. I'll give you an order form so you can pick the one's you want. And the real prize... This ceremonial dagger! So... How many candles should I put you down for?" 

"Right... So, how many hours does this generally take up in your week?" 

"It's kind of an 'on call' position, and you have to keep tabs on everyone around you so you can report on them back to us. " 

"You mean, you're just going to expect me to do whatever you say, whenever you want? And why would you care when my husband falls asleep in front of the television or when I know Billy is masturbating to the Swimsuit Issue again? I swear to God, if that child spent half the time on his schoolwork that he does in the bathroom, pulling his pud..."  

"Well, yeah. You do want all the riches, fame, sex and glory Our Satanic Majesty has to offer don't you? And, the more people you recruit, the more He gives you. You're getting in on the ground floor! There are only like nine of us in town, so far, but I'm going to change that. C'mon, it'll be you and me, we can be the ones to take over the whole town!" 

"Bob... You already own a pizza shop. You work seven days a week, twelve hours a day. How much time do you realistically have for anything else? How long have you been doing this?" 

"It's just been a few weeks, but I'm telling you, it's going to be great! Did you see that new Mercedes Marjorie Glick is driving around? How do you think she got that?" 

"My daughter went to high school with her daughter, Bob. They have drinks on Fridays at O'Reilly's. Well, I think they actually have drinks a lot of nights and I'm worried it's not just drinks but... Anyway, Marjorie Glick got that Mercedes with the money from the divorce settlement. Gary Glick got caught having an affair, Bob. Marjorie came home and caught him in their bed with his bosses secretary. That's how she got the Mercedes. She's apparently not telling anyone because she's embarrassed. Gary's the one who has something to be embarrassed about, but that's another story." 

"Oh... Uh... Well..." 

"Marjorie recruited you, didn't she? Now I get why she's not telling anyone. How much money have you given them already Bob?" 

"Marjorie said she asked His Blackest Highness to end her marriage and give her riches, and then it happened." 

"Jesus Christ, Bob. Marjorie went home when Gary thought she was visiting her sister because she already knew he was having an affair. She knew catching him in the act would give her lawyers better ammo in the divorce. She got Polaroids for Christ's sake. I'm sure she begged God, Satan, Yaweh, Buddha, Howdy Doody and Captain fucking Kirk to end her marriage. Gary's family is fucking loaded. You've met him. Did you think that guy got into Columbia without a hefty donation from mommy and daddy? Marjorie is set for life. Remember AmWay, Bob? Let's not do this again. Seriously. You should know better by now." 

"Is that still blaspheming? Isn't blaspheming good now though? I need to ask about that. It's taking the Lord's name in vain, right? I mean 'The Deceiver's' name in vain, but is that like a good thing now or should we just not say his name at all? Is that still idolatry, but just backwards? Come to think of it, is worshipping the golden calf good now? I need to remember to ask about this at the next meeting. I'm still not really clear on the rules."

"Bob, can we focus here please? Stop giving them money. And by the way, that ceremonial dagger? Billy's been trying to get me to buy the same one from that shitty knife store at the mall. You know, the one. It has all the knives and swords and a million Zippo's with those ugly designs on them? Stop giving these people money and just go buy your ceremonial dagger at the mall if you like it that much. Gimme that slice to go too, would ya? I'll eat it in the car. I have a parent teacher conference. Billy carved another one of those Metallite things or whatever that god awful band is into his desk at school again. Just don't give them anymore money, okay?" 

"But there's this beautiful altar. It's only $3,000 for the next week. AND I can get it for 20% off of that if I sign up three new novitiates. You should see it. It's..." 

"Bob. Seriously? I'm not signing up for this. Stop giving them your money. Give all this shit back. Seltzer and salt will get those sauce stains out of that robe, so they can't say you can't give it back. I have never known anyone who needed to get laid more than you do at this moment. This is worse than when you were pining after Jenny Bachman in eighth grade. Try dating Bob. It'll be cheaper, and you get to keep your soul, most of the time anyway. I gotta go. I'll see you Friday. I'll be in for the usual two pies for movie night at home." 

All my searching, and coming up with nothing ended up starting to solidify the skepticism which already existed, in large part due to the obsession I had with horror already, and the incongruity between the content and adults responses in finding out about my obsession for it. According to all these people on the talk shows and these various news programs, nearly every town in the country had its own cult. We found no evidence of anything other than teenagers, drinking beer, and marking their territory as a way to dissuade adults who might try to reclaim the space or at least piss them off when they did eventually reclaim the space. I started to become very suspicious of what those people were saying on television, and the people I knew in real life who were buying it. I even ended up consulting my local library and my school library on the subjects of Satanic rituals, which of course lead to reading about witchcraft and the like. As a result, I learned the reality behind witch trials, and what drove them. Social norms, religious beliefs and power struggles. No real pacts with the Devil. It was so much more boring than my little adventurous heart could have hoped. The history wasn't so boring at all, but it meant I wasn't going to encounter baddies in black clad robes and get to have my frantic escape, after a close call. It wasn't lost on me there was some similarity between the accusations made during witch trials and the things being said on every television station in the country. 

I've been thinking about this often recently. The character of the narrative which spread so rapidly and thoroughly. Cults which could include the most powerful people in the country, active in every city and town, committing sacrifices, acts of pedophilia, with some kind of hidden agenda meant to undermine the security of people everywhere should be very familiar today. I've been wondering, how many of the people who were truly taken in by The Satanic Panic and who feared the existence of cults engaging in rituals just minutes or miles from their homes are the same people who are becoming ensconced in the Q Anon conspiracy theories. There's more than a fair share of cross over in the demographics, and many of those people are still alive. They'd be in their sixties and seventies now. They'd be the ones who passed the belief on to their children. Those children would be in their 40's and 50's today. Hell, they might even be some of those teenagers who were attempting to find a way to contact Satan so mom and dad would back in together and things would be okay, because God certainly hadn't answered their prayers about it. Now, I'm sure plenty of them are looking back at that teenager they used to be, and feeling fortunate they didn't lose their souls by dabbling in "Black Magic" or Satan worship. The lesson being, "It's not God's job to bring mom and dad back together, but God was there to save my soul, even when I was young and stupid and tempting Satan." Today, having learned, they're standing with God against the worldwide network of Satan worshipping pedophiles. 

The Q conspiracies in some circles of the Q-verse are identical to those Satanic Panic stories, taking on the character of a Satanic organization, behind the scenes, running everything, but also "afraid" of Donald Trump, the same way they were "afraid" of people who didn't seem to do much but go on TV and talk about how they could save you from the cults. The blueprint for this, including but not limited to Q Anon and The Satanic Panic, goes back to an anti-semitic pamphlet which was first circulated in Russia around 1903, claiming to be a piece of documentation stole from or leaked from a cabal of ultra wealthy and powerful Jews who were orchestrating world events and the shapes of most societies. Of course, this has been debunked. The pamphlet, The Protocols of the Elders of Zion or The Protocols of the Meetings of the Learned Elders of Zion, contains not much other than different pieces plagiarized from other sources, copy and pasted together and presented as if it was distributed to someone involved with this conspiracy it claimed to be proof of. Henry Ford would be responsible for printing 500,000 copies here in the United States. HItler was a big, big fan. It is to modern anti-semitism what the Communist Manifesto is to Marxism. 

It occurs to me, the wildfire spread of these conspiracy theories, with anti semitism weaved into them is far more dangerous than it would be if we had actually had Satanists, with altars in every city and town in the country, back in the eighties.  We know The Satanic Temple here in the United States has taken up a number of good causes, often with it's appreciation for the absurd (a thing conspicuously lacking in the adherents to these various conspiracy theories) being it's most potent ally. They're quite open about their dealings and their beliefs, transparency being something they deeply value for The Temple. It's also worth noting they don't have a few centuries of carnage, murder and mayhem in their wake. Maybe a few centuries from now, they'll catch up to some of the other major world religions, but as of now, they seem quite happy to be engaging the world, society and here in the US, the Christian Right, in much the same spirit as smart kids adopting the exact symbols their parents were claiming were proof of Satan worship. They are very adept at trolling in real life. 

I wonder as well, how much of this is part of a reaction to the dull routine of adult life for so many in the US today? It's much more exciting to think our lives are comprised of the dull routines dictated by some shadowy power pushing all the buttons and pulling all the levers behind some vastly constructed curtain which can only be seen through with a secret knowledge. There are echoes of those childhood adventures or at least the search for and naive optimism there might be adventures. How much of the continued existence of these conspiracies is in the fact that as adults, there is no time, and certain far more caution, in creeping through the places we perceive as dark and dangerous to find out if the enemy lurks there, to find those spaces just as dull and routine as the rest of our lives, and be forced to ask ourselves if charlatanism and cheap political theatrics aren't really the source of what we're afraid of? Instead, especially in these days of COVID 19, we're inside, staring at these computers, attempting to decrypt the absurd, which by its most fundamental nature, becomes impenetrable only through the act of not acknowledging it as absurd. Publicly safety is boring. Admitting capitalism alienates us from ourselves and each other is not so much boring, but not something we're collectively ready for, unfortunately. 

I'm now experiencing a kind of buyer's remorse which can only come with age, I think. Of course, it was some years after my searches around my hometown, I read about real damage to people's lives caused by The Satanic Panic. Psychologists using incredibly unethical means of convincing patients/victims of horrible experiences they'd never had. Children separated from parents based on these insane accusations. Lives completely ruined by false accusations of participation in pedophilia rings, either out of some charlatans ambition and greed or something so sad as personal/political grudges in small town America. The collision of religion, celebrity, greed, manipulation and lust for power did some horrible, horrible things to people's lives, and I think in the popular consciousness, The Satanic Panic is, "just this weird, quirky thing we did." We admit the absurdity now, but we don't know anything about what the refusal to acknowledge it before cost good, normal people.

This sense of buyer's remorse is in there. Had we treated these claims as what they plainly were, absurd, we might have found our way to accepting the absurdity of them. Maybe we'd have Satanic Altars in every town and city, and we'd have a good sense of humor about their existence, and the kinds of people who would have us believe not only that these are dangerous to our well being, but most especially that they can tell us how to protect ourselves and how to find out who among us is plotting to undermine our safety and security. We'd be able to incorporate them into our Halloween season festivities, and have them be a reminder of the reality that something we can't acknowledge as absurd becomes impenetrable, the second we refuse to acknowledge the possibility of its absurdity. It would be a reminder which would act like an inoculation. 

It makes me think, "I was promised Satanic Altars. I was supposed to have that option in adulthood. Life would be much more interesting and fun if we had Satanic Altars. Where are my Satanic Altars? I was promised Satanic Altars."