Tortle Tank: Passive Eggcome
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Welcome to Tortle Tank, the show where the world's richest reptiles review your D&D homebrew and decide whether or not to invest their hard-earned eggs. This week, the Torts discuss plot armor, potion gambling, and goo.
CREDITS:
Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor Lyon
Comments (123)
R
My current table has two newbies and their biggest struggle has been understanding all of the rules, not rolling badly. It's easy for vets (and actual play fans) to forget how complicated this game is, and adding a special rule for new players that's just another thing for them to keep track of... that's a bad eggvestment.
They don't know that true powergamers already think downtime is OP, that submission doesn't change it
Binged all of tortletank episodes and now I’m going through withdrawals 😂😅 this is my favorite side show lol
I need more tortles!!!
Emily: “I did just buy a basil plant…” Wow, who could have guessed it would make it to the year end wrap up
I need a sound clip of Murph saying “life is bad” at 20:55ish
Fun fact, “prince of cats” is actually an insult that Romeo and his friends call Tybalt! Essentially calling him useless
I have no thoughts regarding HP vs AC, but in the 2024 edition, there is a feat called durable - it let's you expend a hit die as a bonus action and even gives you advantage on death saves. My celestial squirrel (ratatosk) world tree barbarian finds this very useful!
I disagree with Murph about AC gain making no sense for the ‘plot armour’ or ‘last stand’ ability mentioned in the first case. You stuck on Boromir, which is fine, it’s an epic scene after all! But think of the numerous times where Aragorn starts moving faster and smashing his enemies sword with more force when he thinks his allies are in danger! I think you can easily justify AC in this case!
In highschool, a girl in my class read Tybalt as Tiblet and no one ever corrected her. We all just switched to Tiblet for obvious reasons
The main thing with poached eggs is just fresh eggs. If the eggs are fresh it's hard to get it wrong.
Caldwell reading Stormlight???? Yesssssss!!!!!!
Caldwell in his Hen Wen era during the pandemic
Look, Murph we all listen to this podcast to hear y’all role-play. So I say lean into the tank, get lost in it!
I did my part and ordered a spudf*ckers mug
The high school English teacher in me really came out at the Romeo & Juliet discussion 💀
So many of these are just reinventing inspiration
I had an idea. Picture this: a race around the world, like that big 00s/2010s ‘the amazing race’ reality show. Or there was a uk reality show where you try to disappear and stay off the radar while you’re tracked by various professionals. You’d have to take short rests, it’d involve run speed, you’d have obstacles like water and difficult terrain and wild creatures. And you’d have to go through enemy territory and stuff, while either racing others to a final point, or outrunning/escaping/disappearing from someone or something. I do not want eggs. Maybe a pet turtle or two. I do want this campaign played through on the pod in exchange.
General Stat Boost 🫡
Always loving the 3BH intro😂
I was torn on whether or not I wanted a spudfuckers mug already, a second run talked me into it. Also, with the second case, there is a novice player at my table who is very uncomfortable with rolling low and get really frustrated- any advice on how to help them be more okay with failing being fun? (I am another player at the table, not the dm)
Maybe turn the fails into cool story arc inspiration
My favorite patriotic song is Battle Hymn of the Republic.
Once again so many of these just feel like people don't ever want their characters to have drawbacks of any kind.
Once in a while I am reminded that Jake is a successful entrepreneur. "Don't pitch that you'll negotiate" like damn that's legit good advice 😂
Once again I come to Tortle Tank to tell the people pitching fixes for 5e to try other games. In this case the first pitch in particular is something that Draw Steel does well. You don't die at 0 hp (you die at -half your hp), you keep fighting heroically but are bleeding out/taking damage as you take actions so it always feels like you're *fighting* it out.
How does Emily not know what poached eggs are 💀😂
I’m on my knees, begging, nay PLEADING, for more Surprise Round
Poached egg in a cup with toast cut into soldiers? Commander Vimes?
I think the social dice one has an easy fix, just max 1 per player per session. Then you aren't bogged down with the "I need to talk to everyone" mentality and it leaves room for more socializing with no further incentive besides connection. The idea that everyone will need to speak with every other player would bog things down, but that is also a crazy big ask.
I thought you just have a limited number of dice. Like 25 for the campaign. That way people will want to keep the questions for good enquiries
Tiny hole hunter Murph
No lie the "Plot Armor" just went into my library of notecards
I've never related more to Emily then "...I missed all of that because I was self flagellating for saying Dickenson..."
I don't think I've ever felt more catered to than when stormlight and clair obscur were referenced within 30 seconds of each other
Right there with you
The potion bit was a Caldwell joke in C3. They had two different kinds of potions and Sol was like “I’ll write a lower case p and an upper case P to differentiate them” It was a good bit 😂
Where do we submit Tortle Tank ideas? I laid a golden egg while listening to this one
I think they make a post requesting ideas and then you submit it by commenting on that post
I am only here to pitch a Dr Goolittle Belt romance title: Goo and Goonability …(And maybe recommend watching Julia Child’s poached egg tutorial)
"I just bought a basil plant so I'm thinking about learning how to cook" is such a funny line
Real “I’m thinking about getting into cake” energy
The spudfuckers mug is actually gonna b my first piece of naddpod merch
Really lost in the tank on this one
Morale Card modification: On a Nat 20 initiative you pull a card. It costs a reaction to Based on the number/suit you gain a boon that can be spend only during that combat, like a super specific inspiration die. Spades boost attack rolls/damage, Hearts are temp HP/Healing, Diamonds are AC (like casting the shield spell), Clubs are Skill checks, like sneak/hide/grapple/shove. Joker you flip a coin to turn any D20 roll into a 1 or 20. Suits have you draw again and have a secial effect. Jack you pull again & can use that card as a free action. Queen you pull twice and pick which card you keep. King you can use the card for anyone in the party. Ace you can change change the suit of the card pulled to the suit of the Ace when you spend it.
Bucket List: ✅ Make Murph angry
Rare encounter with a Gen-X Murph
If I remember correctly, Jake’s first roll was to “drink in the fiddle “at the bar that they had just arrived at
Not a roll, just his first piece of narration for his character. I feel like he was a victim of wrongful razzing when the others gave him so much shit for that line, but c'est la vie.
caldwell casually mentioning Rescuers Down Under in the egg poaching bit immediately made my Drawfee pilled brain go: t h e s e a r e n o t j o a n n a ' s e g g s a n d t h e s e a r e n o t j o a n n a ' s l e g s. 🤡
Fun fact: the "watch this" moment where Hardwon fell in the water was actually bc Jake rolled a 2, not a 1 Truly a Two Crew Moment
🙌I wish I could wipe my memory and listen to C1 again
The first one is especially hilarious to me because they wanted their pitch to be a feat, but instead of taking this feat you could just... take +2 dex if you're underneath the medium armor dex cap. Like what's the point
I'm absolutely in LOVE with the new patreon header and hoping caldwell turns it into a mouse pad or something. it's GORGEOUS
They were a buncha stinkers this round huh.
For those who come after
Couldn’t help myself and bought 4 Spuddfuckers mugs. Needed to have a set of them to make my home extra classy
Simmer the water don’t boil and the egg is more likely to stay together
Hello tortles! We missed you
I've been waiting literally years for Caldwell to acknowledge Hoid's friend as a cosmere reference
✅ Murph being on one ✅ Cum jokes ✅ Jake puns ✅ Emily making a literary reference ✅ Caldwell getting giddy over props ✅ Emily talking about a new hobby An absolute NADDpod classic.
Fun fact: Tybalt in the 95 adaptation Romeo+Juliet was Luigi from the Super Mario Bros movie, and Mercutio went on to play Michael in Lost, both are unapologetically my favorite renditions
✍️baja ✍️blast ✍️machine ✍️in ✍️potion ✍️shop
eldritch baja blast, the influencer warlock with a corporate sponsor patron
That card mechanic one: it makes me think you could use it for a bard subclass, THE GAMBLER. And the flavor is someone who plays cards, mood shifts or something like that. Or like a tarot card subclass. Very vague suggestion but just throwing it out there. Better for one person or done one time for the flavor of the story.
Love this whole idea!
Jake, please stop saying “egg cum” lol
no :)
Might've been nice to be able to speak the the Gibbering Mouther that my Tripkee (Frog Person) Fighter was dangling above helplessly when we decided to lower her into a well. Though I suspect it may have just said something like "Ooo yummy yummy in my tummy! A treat for me!" and not been much help
grumpus murph fr
Murph really was in a mood today, very negative outlook on like, everything.
I always end up fully agreeing with Murph on these. I suppose that’s true in general for all NADDPOD stuff, but for Tortle Tank specifically it always feels like Murph is speaking directly from my brain.
It's cause a lot of these are adding rules/systems which ends up making things more bloated and muddled. I like the item and rule modification submissions better than all these extra features.
I teach elementary music and I will say: America the beautiful is a lot easier to sing for young voices!
I think interestingly I read somewhere that The star spangled banner is written with a wide enough distance from its highest and lowest notes that it is actually pretty common for people to not have enough range.
Especially since Heroic Inspiration came up, I feel like I need to point out to Murph that Luck Points changed very significantly in 2024. You now need to declare before the D20 Test that you are using a Luck Point to give yourself Advantage on the roll. Or Disadvantage for an enemy rolling an attack against you. Wheras Heroic Inspiration is a reroll, and is supposed to be before you know if you failed or succeeded. A welcome change certainly, 2014 Lucky was way too powerful
came here to roast caldwell for saying mercutio was the prince of cats but thankfully he’s corrected himself so i’ll stand down
I was poaching 100 eggs for work while listening—I believe in Emily!
Honestly these were all great ideas that im going to steal.
The Clair obscur references made me laugh then sad when I remembered it’s over 🥲 such an amazing story and game. Sandfall made a true masterpiece
Murph, if you have a base AC of 15 and a shield ads +2. You get hit by a 16. YOU would be hit but the shield blocks it means you ARE being hit. Same barbarians having a Con bonus, this is just your body being hit.
I find this confusing. I mean, sure, you're technically being hit in that you're being attacked, but in the common lingo of dnd, an attack of 16 on someone with an AC of 17 (shield or otherwise) is a miss. I'd argue that you aren't being "hit," as that implies they made impact for damage. What you ARE is being attacked.
On the d6 for downtime, i do something similar but during character creation. For every connection the person provides me in the world (with sufficient detail) they get one gold piece
Murph, I have to give you a small L. We need to talk about AC vs HP. Goku blocking and dodging is better AC. Which he has definitely done after a loss, or Gohan and Krillin got their asses kicked again. Boromir is more HP. Adrenaline to save his friends and give them a chance. A last stand. Remember, AC is not just armor. It’s also dodging and blocking. See Monks. Come on man. Lock in.
I can confirm Mercutio is 0:1 and you do NOT want to throw down with that boy Tybs 😭
Hell yeah I'm so ready
No, don’t use vinegar for poached eggs, it doesn’t help actually
The Mercurial Elixer sounds like the Flawed Reconstruction spell from Valda's Spire of Secrets
Emily being distracted by her “self-flagellation” for saying Dickinson instead of Dickens is so deeply relatable
As of the second suggestion: the torts are super right about all they said. The fun of the game is "losing" as much as your "winning". Some of the most intense naddpod moments have come from Nat 1s and 2 CREW... plus some sessions i only have 6 rolls like the entire 3 hr session... being able to use 6 luck points is way beyond good. That's every roll succeeds.
The first one: this is very underpowered for a feat slot, it should just be a table rule if you are going to do it.
Has there ever been merch that says “we have got to move on”? I feel like it’s Murph’s motto.
My favorite is when he’s over it and says deadpan “Ok? Yeah. Ok for sure. Ok”
I love the social dice idea. I've done similar things (introduced sporadically, not every downtime) because I have players who are reluctant/hesitant to speak to each other and if left to their own devices will just play concurrent single player games of D&D, never talking to each other. Tables who naturally talk won't need it though.
I react like Lucille Bluth getting surprised by Gene Parmesan after every pun in Jake’s intro
(The way she says ahhhh gene!): Algae!!!
Emily should try the very easy microwave poached egg and not Caldwell's whirlpool method
For the 1st case, I think affecting the AC makes sense. AC is calculated based on Dex, which is more about how well you can dodge. If you’re mentally locking in to save your friend, it makes sense to be better at dodging attacks and going after your target
Ahhh!!! Thank you for talking about our Morale Cards!! We’re taking notes 📝 More jokers, specifically more Joaquin Phoenix. Emily, devilled eggs are the only way to go. Couldn’t agree more!
The torts may not have bought my pitch but I’m certain the exposure will create a lifetime of passive eggcome
Ahh my pitch made it in!
Murph hates the plot armour idea but loves giving his characters plot armour lol
Some great eggs this episode...
Emily as a chameleon? On National lizard day?
Emily as a sneaky chameleon? She's been clear the whole time.
The way Murph said "What are you going to say?" and then Emily comes out with an absolutely wild dream. 😆
Maybe it's just bc my team went into extra innings tonight but the pitch for the first one sounds like a d&d successor to the free base runner in extras rule, amiright baseball fans
woah huge twist like 30 min in 🦎🦎
Splish splash were making some cash!
i’m very into the new demented level of energy lake is bringing to the intro. SHELLOOoOOooOOOOOO HATCHLINGS
Its very JW Cartwright-esque? I love it
I only eat scrambled eggs, but as a kid we had these little metal forms my mom would use to poach them. Are people not using those anymore?
Let's gooo!!!
Thank u Mr murph Mr well Mr Jake & Ms emily
thank you tortles, you keep me awake while youtube fights my wifi to upload 🫶🏽
The voice crack on the “shello” really sold it for me
Splooge immediately explains the title
Oh Lord... Eggcome sounds disgusting and I can't wait to listen 🤣
Really getting my eggs worth with these episodes
SLOOGE
LESSGOOOO
Wooo, splash!