Tomorrow is another ASMR shoot

I work on my body in an almost trance state. In the last self portrait, I was working hard on my arm extensions by doing deep massage to enable beautiful ballet arms for artistic swimming. This is an ongoing regimen, the goal is always to improve range and strength and better my technique by increasing my vocabulary of graceful movement. Check out my upcoming shoot schedule here.

To be an artistic swimmer, requires a huge amount of time modifying the body to optimize its potential with contortion stretches, body weight training, and hypoxy training to change the oxygen buffer levels in the muscles.

So here’s a little story, about how this mindset of body modification is a continuum. Every waking moment is spent tweaking something. Living with me like a fly on the wall is like being in the home of a cat. I’m always sprawled somewhere or jacked up against some furniture even while working. All routines like making tea, or cleaning my fur babies litter box is a balancing act.

I abuse sofas and chairs by using them incorrectly. If I get a new stool I mess with it until it breaks or I fall. I was once standing in for a photography class as a lighting model. I pissed off the students because I can’t sit still in between modelling. I’m constantly fiddling with my feet or draping myself until I slip off.

The photography students complained about my distraction so I got out of doing that gig as a favor.

5 years ago I discovered the parallel bars at the beach. All the bro’s were there pulling off their handstands and I would wait in the distance until it cleared long enough for me to slip in and spend time straggling myself around the bars and rubbing them up like a bear. As soon as the lads approached I would dissappear back off a distance and wait for the next opportunity.

The parallel bars have always been a favorite of mine. Including handrails, fences, and anything with bars on it for me to get tangled in.

One day I was at a safe distance from the beach bars waiting for an opportunity to duck in and grab a slinky moment while eating a burger and fries. All the hipsters and yoga chicks were giving me vegan stink eye. Which was my plan to keep people backed off... until this dude cautiously struck up a convo with me:

“Er hi, what dance or yoga is that you do? I see the way you move and I want to learn it. It’s not like anyone else I’ve seen...”

I know he was being smooth. He had a good line. But I was EATING BURGER. And I was eyeing my window to scram back to the empty bars. And now this guy...

I have always been socially INEPT. I have always steered away from people. People make me flinch. I am awkward and innapropriate as fuck. I want to be polite, but I swear like a sailor. I never know what to say, because this skill called talking fucks up my brain.

I had a mouth full of burger and smaffled something like “mrrphh bffarrreyyy” 🙄😣

“Oh I’m sorry you’re eating”

(Good, that worked)

“Only I seen you like three weeks in a row down here, every week and you’re different from everyone. You move differently and I want to learn that”

FUCK [choke on burger]

“You see that window on that yellow building over there? I see you from that apartment EVERY WEEK”

🥶🥶🥶😐 Holy shit. What do I say what do I say? Stuff my earbuds in and turn my back. Feel the burn all over my body, I don’t know how to react. I really don’t. But I was burning 🥵 all over and yet freezing at the same time. Now I couldn’t eat my burger. Whack up my electronic music shut my eyes and IGNORE like the impolite bitch you are.

In reality I felt sorry for the guy. I don’t know what to think. He did everything OK. He was fine. I think he was possibly good looking I don’t know? But - my nerves are shot and I can’t speak to guys. I’m supposed to act like nothing hurts incase they get offended. But the truth is, I’m not just an introvert. I didn’t know that living with trauma is what made me this way. I thought about this day a lot after my mental breakdown. I wondered how I looked different from others, it’s not my movement like the guy said.

That was a big part of it yes, but it’s actually because I behave like a victim in public by default. So now while we are in lockdown I have to learn new ways of surviving in public spaces... and I don’t know how to do that.

Yet, give me a mission like public speaking, where it’s my job to broadcast - and I win at that.