The Source of My Disease came from Childhood SA

I only discovered it today, barely 2 weeks into “miraculous healing” from a major surgery of the hip including a rebuild of my pelvic joint mechanics. I had a 10 year old Total Hip Replacement partially Revised with newer technology ergonomics. Something that wasn’t available 10 years ago, and I became implanted with an oversized socket for my frame, that created an overhang on my acetabular cup rim, which subsequently caused constant callousing and impingement injury on all my deep hip muscles.

I never could truly heal from the constant easement injury. Walking up a hill would injure me, riding a bike would injure me, repetitive motion would injure me, and over time, the scarring could not stop, and it lost its ability to stop, and metastasized out of my hip.

The Tumoral metastasis migrated out of my surgical hip, filled my pelvic bowl, and started to climb up my body as it followed the fatty fascia tissue highways of my body’s meridians.

But, with this new surgery, a complete reset was allowed to happen. I had prepared for 6 months to clean my muscle boundaries and give the surgeon the best stage to do his work. He used blunt dissection only, to pass between my muscles, in orther words, his fingers alone slipped between the muscle heads without injuring them at all, so that they could part and held back with retractors could give him easy access to the bone from where the disease was emanating. The rims of my hip replacement were protruding and plaqued up with the metastasized scarring of bony tissue.

The surgeon confirmed he got the old cup out and cleaned back the diseased bone growth with the new cup sealing the new bore being of slightly larger diameter and providing a good press fit, so that there is good sealing of the bone to assist fast ossification.

And with the bone re sealed, I knew the disease nucleating from the hip will slow down and maybe even stop. As my tumors are not dividing, they are accumulating. In other words, the cells forming my tumors were not growing according to cell division, but were rather growing like an accumulation, rather like a snowballing effect.

Today two weeks after experiencing the onset of a rather fast regression of tumors I can feel sporadically dissolving throughout my trunk and extremities. A sensation like baubles of pain when these tumors swell up and light up my body like a Christmas tree from within.

Each pain center, seems to come witb its own flash of colours that flood up from below or even from the opposite side of my injuries. I am sure even a blind person could project these colours, as they are seen within the mind, not from behind my closed eyelids.

But there were two major pain centers for me, I knew about them both. But I did not realize the disease had accumulated in these regions specifically because of trauma memorized in these parts of me. One was centered near my liver, and I will talk about that in a later post. But the other pain center, was centered in my left hip. Yes I expected this, because my hip was diseased, but, as I healed today something happened.

Healing is a progression, it behaves like a tide, and slowly the waves lapping at the boundaries of the wound and trauma will cleanse away the pain and inflammation. I practice daily some form of healing, to nourish my body and clean away the debris of self neglect. But as I touched that part of me that I became aware had switched off for some reason, I looked harder at it from the inside.

Subconciously my adductor muscles had been switched off and not only could I not access them to flex them, but doing so hurt. I understood this was due to ten years of inhibited growth and imbalance. Leading to atrophy and a constant feeling of weakness. As a result my body grew strong to overcompensate and hide that part of me from having to use it. I no longer became aware how to access these muscles that were now walled off from my mind.

But today, the tides of inflammation from surgical swelling had receeded to the point of leaving my driftwood unsnagged ligaments visibly protruding from the muddy inflamed inguinal area. I know this is cleaning up now, and this is no time to try and build strength. There appears to feel like a lot of sticky deposition and inflammatory snot risking jellification of the tendon. And it was through this pain, a long chronic pain, that memories started to jump into my mind of when I first felt that long protracted pain in the past.

And I was shocked. The memories came back in fragments. No, not fragments, the fragments of memories were there but they did not make sense. They had no order for them, but this time, my mind worked through the glue of stitching them together in the right order, and what I remembered shocked me.

Now they had meaning, I went back through time remembering how the pain in the aftermath shaped my parents relationship towards each other after that point. I remember feeling like my destruction. Was mourned by my mother in reverse. I had memories of my anger and betrayal as I realized in the last few childhood SA, I was torn with her lack of protection and complicity with enabling the men to do this to me.

But I forgave her because she regarded me as already broken, and I think she was unaware how much danger she had exposed me to. I sincerely believe she loved me in her way as best she could. And this enables me to heal, as holding any resentment for her and blaming her for any knowingness between right and wrong, would only lead to resentment.

Then time flew back earlier, to the break in my parents relationship upon her confrontation of my father forced to examine me. The humiliation of being opened like a frog. But how did I know when this was? It was not the earliest time. That I know because it was in our new home. I remember from the shadow of the doorlight crossing the ceiling across my viewpoint. I was in a room where the bed was aligned with the head facing South. And I was lain across the bed my legs westward as my parents argued with this light coming over them from the doorway as I lay in the dark horizon shielded from the dim hallway light.

But I’ve been here before I know it. And the glue started to stitch back earlier events with the origin of that deep hip pain. My hips had been cracked back as they were pressed into the bed while I was assaulted. And that’s how I knew this was not the first time, nor the last I had been hurt in this way.

Memories of a heavy hot sleep, came back to haunt me, of my dad doing something very catering and uniquely mothering for me, before my body would slumber and the pain and heat in the hips became apparent as my legs would go numb many nights in a row from the dislocation. I healed through this, and eventually the numbness didn’t hurt.

It turns out my “congenital hip dysplasia” was acquired sometime around the age of 5 years old, and I simply grew into it. In my teenage years, the trauma would happen again, but my body and mind were disconnected at the hip, and I could not remember the paragraph of events as the sentence structure written into that part of my bodies nervous system was fractured like a tear in the page of a book, that even though cellotaped back together the words didn’t match and sentences would be slow to read.

My memories where my hip experienced this type of pain were fragmented. And now I’m healing, I’m defragging the hip, and putting the paragraphs of those memories back together again.