just a lil update on me + this page
hi all! It's been a while, and i figured i might let you in on what's been going on with me lately. i did want to add a slight CW since this does get relatively personal, so if you're here for the audios but not the anecdotes (which i totally cannot blame anyone for), i highly advise you to avert your eyes. if you're interested in what i have to announce, feel free to scroll straight down.
typically speaking, i try to post one free audio to reddit every other week so that i can pace myself, give myself the breaks that i need, and make sure that my content (free or otherwise) is up to my personal standards. according to this schedule, i should have posted an audio last week—i didn't.
nothing crazy has happened to me, i haven't gone through any major losses or life changes of the sort and i don't plan on retiring or even taking a break, however something relatively minor did occur that affected me so severely to the point where it kick started somewhat of a depressive episode that had already been building itself up within me in the months prior.
about a week and a half ago i cross posted a preview of a particularly spicy audio onto my NSFW twitter, and for the first few hours things were going amazingly for me; numbers that i had never seen on reddit or any other platform were rolling in at the speed of lightning, traction towards my content and all of my socials were at an all time high, and frankly, i felt as though i was on top of the world for a moment. come the following day, i receive an email from twitter support telling me that i had been reported for violating their terms and conditions on content that can be posted and that my post had promoted "violence," which can lead to account restriction, then suspension if the post in question does not get removed within a timely manner. i tried appealing the report, and within one hour i was told that my appeal was denied and that i still had to remove my post lest i face account suspension.
prior to that moment, i had made the grave mistake of checking my account's notifications and saw that quite a handful of people had left particularly vile comments and quote retweets on my post, some being so nasty i nearly cried in public, and the notice of my account being liable to suspension had done nothing but worsen how i had already begun to feel.
it sounds so stupid and so small talking about everything in hindsight now that it has all passed, but i had already been dealing with smaller bouts of depression and avoidant anxiety before this regarding content creation and how much work i had on my plate at all times, so by the time i got hit with my first ever wave of hate comments and reporting, the dam within me had broken and i decided to take the rest of that week flooding into this week off. i couldn't bring myself to get in front of a microphone and record because i wasn't feeling adequate enough, and i worried that maybe whatever audio i posted next would be my second strike with whatever platform it was posted to. my fear paralyzed me into doing nothing, and in turn, doing nothing made me feel guilty, especially for those of you who support me on this site because this is not only exclusive content for you guys but it is also your precious time and money being spent on... nothing (at the time, at least).
it's been roughly eleven days since the almost-suspension incident, and my guilty conscience has decided for me that depression or not, i owe you, my supporters, the content that you deserve to hear in spite of what circumstances might fall my way. i want to keep on showing up for my patrons and followers, i want to show you that supporting me is not a waste, and i want to show everyone that even if i have my low moments, my indomitable human spirit still forces me to get back up. that being said, though, i think i need to establish a firmer idea of what we're doing here on patreon, so here are some changes that i'll be implementing soon:
The Viviame Tip Jar:
$3 per month
Tip tier
AMA access
Early access
Discord access
The SFW Package:
$7 per month
2 SFW audios per month
Everything from Tip Jar
The NSFW Package:
$10 per month
2 NSFW audios per month
Everything from Tip Jar
The Everything Package:
$18 per month
Everything from the Tip Jar, SFW Package, and NSFW Package
i'll be implementing this change starting september 5th, with an audio ready for each new tier as well as one free access post for those who are not paid members. i wanted to have a more clean-cut, organized way of managing this page, and after having talked to some wonderful creators who actually know what they're doing (thank you skylar and audi), this is the most feasible method for me. i want to keep my content accessible, and don't plan on making any changes to the free audios that i post to reddit, however unlike here, i cannot guarantee a uniform schedule with the content that i post moving forward. i am unbearably human, which means my low points do occasionally come up and make themselves the center of my life for a few weeks, but i swear on my life that i will try my absolute hardest to never let them take over me as badly as this has ever again.
i appreciate each and every single one of you, and i have so much planned for the near future. thank you so much for waiting for me and for putting up with all of my inconsistencies.
love, vivian
Comments (6)
Hey Vivi - this sucks and I'm so sorry. I did wonder what was up, but hey... please take the time you need to feel ok. I know how those things can deflate everything all at once. Thanks for letting us know. You are amazing.
Thanks for shering this with us, sometimes one can forget how much efort are in this kind of things in general, I just finished one of this audios for the first time and I use it for background while I was drawing, sooo.... idk if knowing that a random out there use your job to feel some kind of artistic inspiration (dont ask me why, even I dont know) gives you some kind of confort but at least I hope that it can cheer you up a little, feel better soon and take all the time that you need, you're doing it great :)
Obviously, it's tough when there's that monetary transaction involved but honestly don't ever feel guilty or wrong for taking time to get yourself together. Any sort of performance art draws from inside, and forcing yourself to perform when you're not up for it is like trying to run on with a bad leg; you just risk doing more harm than good for yourself. I recently discovered your stuff about a month ago and you do an absolutely incredible job. I've been browsing the reddit space for close to a decade and every time performers go away it's generally either because they push themselves so much that they burn out and crash or because other people push in too far on them. I can only imagine what it must feel like to start blowing up and gaining attention (good and bad there), but from the outside looking in I would say never, ever, apologize for cultivating your own mental and literal space. There are nasty people out there but 99.9% of them are just going to move on to being mad at the next thing, and everyone else either doesn't mind or enjoys what you're giving (even if they don't say a thing like myself typically). Be gentle with yourself and know with certainty there're loads of people excited for whatever you cook <3
Also, I think it's interesting to do the new tiers the way your doing them, since normally from what I see, creators have sfw audios on a cheaper tier, and nsfw audios on a bit more expensive tier, but then have the nsfw tier come with the sfw ones. But hey man, say man, if you feel that's what works best for you then by all means 👍🏾
that's really interesting! i actually might take that into account when i implement these changes next week, since sfw audios are significantly easier for me compared to nsfw. i think maybe $7 or $8 per month might be good? i'll have to workshop it, but i really appreciate the comment!
Aw, I'm so sorry that happened to you Viv. Personally I feel like you shouldn't feel bad or apologize for taking a break when you felt like your mental state was suffering and you needed a break, at the same time though, I completely understand feeling guilty about it, especially when you have people directly supporting you monetarily like on here. Thanks for the transparency and the update, we hope you feel better soon, and also that you feel better before you actually do come back! Keep your head up Miss Ma'am 🧡🖤✨