Chapter 18: Critical Thinking

I awoke to my shoulder muttering about the indignity I’d subjected it to. It took several moments to realise where I was or what I was or even who I was. It was one of those dreams where you are aware of the waking world, but not able to comprehend it—that eerie place before you drop deeper or wake up.

Someone had been crying earlier. I expected it was Erica, as Asha was out cold. But something about it seemed off. Erica was beside me; my head was in her lap. The sobs were coming from far away.

Then my shoulder began yelling at me in earnest. I opened my eyes to the harsh reality of midday, and the bright sun began assaulting me. I’d expected to see Erica, but it was Asha who was cradling my head as I lay in her lap. Her sister was beside me, head on my stomach and sleeping calmly.

“You’re awake…” I murmured as I slowly became more aware of my surroundings. “How are you?”

Asha sniffled slightly, and a relieved smile crept over her face. “I’m alive thanks to you. Again.”

I tried to sit up, but my shoulder gave me another detailed description of why that was a bad idea. “I think we owe this one all to Laura,” I gasped as I lay my head back in her lap.

“How long have you been awake?” I asked her, staring up at her beautiful green eyes.

She looked around, and her blonde hair trickled down her shoulders. I was in love. I knew the girls were beautiful, but looking up at her kind face and silky hair—if it weren’t for my shoulder making it redundant, I would have pinched myself.

“About an hour. I woke up and saw everything was over, it was light, Erica was exhausted, and Laura was gone. We traded places so that she could rest, and I could take care of you.”

I nodded, then glanced down at Erica using my stomach as a pillow. She was so cute, her hair messed up and covering her face. Her perfect eyes, closed gently and a soft smile on her lips. I was in love. Again.

“And Laura, has anyone seen her?” I wasn’t worried. I knew that she could take care of herself.

“I haven’t, but Erica said she came back from looking for survivors, grabbed a shovel, and went back out there. I think she’s burying the dead.”

“By herself?” I tried again to sit up. “I should help.”

But Asha pushed me down gently; her voice was firm. “No, you shouldn’t. You need to rest, Master. There’s no use ripping out your stitches. Laura will just have to put them in again.”

I chuckled. “I thought you enjoyed me being in charge?”

Asha blushed. “That’s different, and you know it. I’m not going to let you injure yourself just to satisfy my weird desires.” She lightly slapped my shoulder as she spoke, but had forgotten herself in her embarrassment; she had slapped the wrong shoulder. My world swooned from a mixture of pain and irony.

Asha was beside herself—part devastated, part mortified, and desperately trying to apologise sincerely whilst not waking her sister. She fawned over me for several minutes whilst I struggled to stay conscious. Finally, when I could speak, I did.

“Ow.”

To her credit, she chuckled. “Are you OK, Master?”

“You know, in a cosmic balance kind of way… I deserved that. I shouldn’t have teased you.”

Now that I thought about it, I hadn’t been the greatest role model in general. The offhand comment I’d made just then was an example of a frame of mind that suddenly concerned me.

“Asha,” I spoke quietly, “have we gone too fast? I know we haven’t… well… you know… but still, we've become extremely close very quickly.”

I felt her tense underneath me, and I got my answer. I felt the shame creep in on me again. I should have been stronger. I shouldn’t have let things get sexual so fast.

“Master, elven relationships often take decades of courtship when the coupling is for love,” she began. “And it’s true; elves are well known for their passions, and we tend to be more free with our expression of that passion than other races...”

I could sense the ‘but’.

“…But maybe you were right when you said we should wait. We’ve been through a lot. You’ve been right about everything else.”

I nodded. “Will Erica understand?” I asked, pushing my head into Asha’s touch as she massaged my scalp.

“No,” replied Asha sadly. “I’ve never seen her more passionate about anything. The night after you saved her life in our village, she was changed. She had decided to entwine her fate with yours. She wants you: body and soul. And then you saved us again, and again… she’s hopelessly addicted to you.”

I sighed. “I know. Don’t get me wrong… I want her too. But I don’t know how much of her eagerness, or yours, or even my own, is just trauma playing havoc with our minds.”

Asha nodded sadly. “I know. It’s why you’ve been trying to resist our advances. I should have listened to you more. I’m sorry I pushed you.”

I smiled up at her. “I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger for you. I should have held off on everything until we were out of danger.”

“We both wanted it though, didn’t we?” she pressed, and I gave her a reassuring smile.

“I think we needed the closeness—the safety of it, the reminder we were alive. But if we want a relationship to actually grow, I think we should make sure it has a solid foundation. Not just trauma.”

Asha thought for a long time. “I keep forgetting you’re an older man,” she whispered quietly. “I keep forgetting you are still mourning the love of your life. I’m so sorry, Master. I should have known.”

I shook my head. “It’s OK. Ultimately, the responsibility was mine,” I assured her.

We sat in silence for a while as I contemplated the relationship that was developing between us. Asha was still stroking my head tenderly, looking down at me with caring green eyes, full of love and adoration. And whilst I lusted after these two girls, there was no denying I wanted to develop love for them too. Damn, even the view of Erica with her head on my stomach was as erotic as much as it was loving. The two of them were adorable, and I was being swept up in my feelings for them.

But that took me to something else which was bothering me. “Asha, how is it that you’re OK with me having a relationship with you and Erica?”

The blonde beauty shrugged. “From what I understand of your world, it seems you have lots of personal freedoms and liberties, and you described your previous relationship as a fierce monogamous commitment. That’s the norm, yes?”

I agreed, and Asha continued.

“Our world favours responsibility over freedoms. We don’t have many individual rights; we have responsibilities. We live to help each other in our communities survive. And women here look for men who are kind and loving and able to provide for us and the community. If a man has more than one woman he is keeping happy, it only makes him more desirable because it proves that what he is doing works. Monogamy is only something that nobles do. And even then, it’s only to preserve the family inheritance. They can afford to pay for everything they need; they don’t need to rely on others. They can afford to have weak ties to their larger community. The common people can’t. We must build strong communities through marriages.”

“I… still don’t understand… more wives means more mouths to feed… a single man would find that difficult, wouldn’t they?”

“If the women just sat around and did nothing, yes… but our women pull their own weight. And relationships help families band together. You will always have a bed in my parents’ home because we are indebted to you. It is the responsibility of my parents to help the Master of their daughters. And it would be your responsibility to give back to the family in some way. Now, the more wives you take, the more ties you have to other families. The more people who are responsible for you, the more stable you are. And where previously two families may not have any reason to help each other, a man may ask for help from one set of his in-laws for the benefit of another. This strengthens the whole community. On the other hand, a man who fails his wives will quickly find that their families omit him from the help they provide their daughters, or even remove her from the marriage entirely. Basically, the more threads that are woven together, the stronger the fabric.”

I nodded. On Earth, we divorced for boredom or betrayal. Here, people married to survive winter. It made sense. Actually, it made so much sense I couldn’t understand why it wasn’t more common on Earth. Then it hit me. “But don’t women here get jealous?”

Asha shrugged noncommittally. “Some women do, especially if their man promises everything to her and then dotes on another woman and ignores his other wife. That happens, but those men can be guaranteed that they will never get a third wife. The first thing a woman does before considering a marriage is talk with the women who are already married to him.”

This I could believe. Actually, it made a lot of sense. The way women band together on Earth was bad enough. If a woman wasn’t happy in her marriage, she’d probably steer others away if she could.

“I guess like with any relationship, communication is key?”

Asha nodded. “That’s what my parents said. Mother knows that my father will take another wife at some stage. That’s normal. She’s even been on the lookout for a suitable elf for him. When the time comes, they will court them together.”

“And, in our case, the fact the other woman is your sister…?” I queried.

Asha smiled softly and thought for a while.

“It’s... strange... yes. But Erica gave herself into servitude to you. And at the time it was partially because she was enamoured with you, but partially to stay with me. We have never been separated. Who better to share my man with than the woman I trust most?”

The whole system seemed foreign to me.

“So, just to be clear, you aren’t only happy with me pursuing a relationship with Erica—you actively want me to?”

Asha chuckled to herself as if I was being silly. “Master, we are both indebted to you. You have a relationship with us. A very romantic and exciting relationship.”

I smiled. Alright then.

The teenage body I was in was elated.

But I knew what had to be done.

“OK, but please help Erica to understand I want to slow things down, OK?”

Nodding solemnly, she agreed. “I can take her for a walk and I can broach it with her properly. We never argue; she’ll take it better from me.”

“It seems like the kind of conversation I should have with her myself,” I cautioned.

“I know. But trust me on this, Master. I know my sister. Let me explain things. But she’ll want a good reason why. And it will need to be better than, ‘you don’t want a slave.’”

“Yeah, I know.” I thought for a moment as I looked down at the young brunette, who was softly and adorably snoring in my lap. “Tell her… tell her it’s not love if she only says yes. For it to be love, she must be able to say no.”

Asha’s hands stopped caressing my head. I could feel her muscles beneath me. Her entire body was reacting to the concept. I could feel her thinking over the phrase, digesting the meaning of every word.

“That’s… that’s not… something… I have ever considered,” she whispered. “This isn’t how our world views love or marriage.”

I took a deep breath.

“And that is why what I did was wrong.”

…

Laura stomped back into the compound covered in dirt and collapsed in a heap against one of the barricades. Once Erica had woken, we’d shared a few tender kisses—almost as reassurance for what Asha was about to say to her—then the two of them took a walk around the camp to chat things over. I was hoping it would go well. I was developing serious feelings for both these girls, and I was afraid that my insistence that we tone down our physical affection until we formed a stronger emotional one would hurt her terribly.

But with the two girls gone, there was nothing to distract me from Laura. She was a mess—covered in dirt and sweat that had run in lines down her face and arms. But below that façade of mud and exhaustion, I noticed something else. Her muscles were tense, her jaw was set, and those streaks in the dirt on her face were heaviest under her eyes. She glanced briefly towards me and then leaned back and closed her eyes. I studied her expression as she rested. She was the one who had been crying as I was coming to. I guessed even knights have their emotional limits.

“What?” she said irritably, without moving.

“What what?”

Laura opened her eyes and looked at me, annoyed. “I can feel you staring at me. What is it?”

I looked at her with kind concern. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She slumped her shoulders and looked away from me. “I sent two ahead of us to Westfall. The rest are either dead or soon to be. One ran off. I don’t think we’ll see him again.”

“I wouldn’t have thought that knights bury the enemy dead.”

“We don’t,” she replied bitterly.

I frowned, confused. “Then why did—”

“Mathew just… I don’t want to talk about it, OK? I’m not one of your damsels in distress! I’m a knight—I can take care of myself!”

I struggled to my feet and shuffled over to her. My shoulder complained again, but I sat down next to the woman and stared ahead. There was no hug, no touching; it wasn’t romantic, and I sure as hell didn’t want it to be. But I knew that silent proximity meant acceptance. I was placing myself as a figurative and literal shoulder to cry on.

We sat like this for several minutes whilst she sniffed.

I let the silence hang.

And when I was beginning to think this stubborn knight was never going to speak—

“What is your intention with the girls?” she asked finally.

“We’re going to slow down the sexual advances. At least that’s what I’ve discussed with Asha. We’ll see whether Erica will accept it.”

Laura nodded. “Are you going to respect that boundary?”

I smirked. “I suggested it. The girls—Erica especially—are too emotionally dependent for a real relationship. Sex will just complicate things. We need to walk before we can run.”

Laura rolled her eyes and huffed irritably, turning to face me for the first time. “Now you’re hesitating? I saw you blow your load in Asha’s hands. You encouraged it. That ship sailed.” Her eyes were piercing, and her tone struck my nerves.

I felt my anger rise. It wasn’t with her, but my face twisted to match her own fury. “I KNOW!” I growled. “I made a mistake. I let myself get overwhelmed. I’m trying to fix it.”

“If the girls hadn’t told me how hard they tried to seduce you—how they begged you—I would have killed you already,” Laura snapped at me.

With my experiences I shouldn’t have escalated. I should have known better, but I was tired, injured, and… well, I lost it.

“Yeah, I get it, I know. You’re protecting the girls from me. I’m a bastard for wanting to feel something. But I’m doing the BEST I CAN!”

“Next they’ll be waking you with blowjobs…”

“You know... it’s easy for you to say ‘be strong’ and ‘resist,’ but you try jumping into a teenage body and resisting the advances of a pair of sexy identical twins. My blood is running so hot I’m surprised I haven’t had a stroke! I DIED, Laura. I FUCKING DIED. My life was so fucking sad on Earth that trading it so that some scumbag kid might live a better one seemed like a good deal. Then with everything that happened here… YOU KNOW WHAT I’VE FUCKING BEEN THROUGH. I was alone and scared… and I went too fast with the twins. I’m trying to fix it. I’m trying not to think with my dick. But I’m still human.”

Laura’s face was red, her breath coming quick. “SO AM I!” she spat. Then she looked away and got to her feet, taking a few steps away. I kicked myself for shouting at her. What was I doing? I needed to get a hold of myself.

“I’m… I’m scared too, Mathew,” Laura said quietly. “You have the girls, the girls have you. But I don’t have anyone. My mentor is gone; my unit is gone. I’m just alone. I can’t go back to the Iron Shield—not after this. I have lost everything. And to make it worse there’s you. You are Bambinae’s chosen. You treat people with respect, you show kindness to your enemies, you heal the dying, and your morals… you ARE good; you’re a good man.”

“Why are you giving me crap then?” I asked exasperatedly.

“BECAUSE… You said you made a mistake, AND you’re trying to fix it. Before, you were human, fallible. Now you’re something else, and I’m finding it hard to compare.”

I was not following. The logic train had left the station, and I was standing on the platform watching my luggage go with it. Laura herself must have realised she was making no sense, and she spent a minute calming down, much like I had done a moment before.

“The only thing I hadn’t lost was my code of honour. I was a Knight of the Iron Shield. I helped people. I lost everything else, but that remained. And then when you showed charity to a man you knew was going to try to hurt you… it showed me I wasn’t the person I needed to be. You showed me a standard to live up to that I didn’t even know existed.”

I didn’t get up. I didn’t speak. I just listened to the silence as she thought in empty space.

“When you were fooling around with the girls, I could fault you. It made me feel necessary. It made me feel like the voice of reason. My moral code had purpose. But now you tell me that you’re trying to make things better; that should make me happy… but it just makes me feel redundant.”

Laura walked back to me, collapsed in a heap at my side, and shook her head. “I’m really messed up, aren’t I?”

I wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “Nah, you’re just young,” I jibed, and she chuckled.

“Look who’s talking,” she responded.

I was glad the tempers had simmered down. Laura rested her head on my shoulder, and I squeezed hers as we sat, letting the early afternoon breeze ease the warmth of the midday sun.

“How do you do… what you do?” Laura asked quietly after a lengthy silence.

“I could ask you the same question.” I picked a piece of grass as I thought. The quiet hung as I flicked the leaf back into the dirt. “You saved us last night, Laura. How many men did you fight? Five? Six? And at least three of them at the same time? You took the watch, then engaged the enemy, defended the civilians, and patched up the wounded.”

I turned my head to look her in the eye, but she didn’t meet my gaze. “Then you buried the dead. You spent… what… four hours digging holes by yourself to bury the dead of your enemy. How do you do that? HOW do you find the emotional capital to do that?”

We sat as the wind played with the grass and the tree canopy above. The young blonde knight didn’t speak, and I didn’t know what else to say.

“I… I think I was ashamed at not being the one to offer charity. So, I guess I was just trying to live up to your example.”

I chuckled.

“And here I was trying to live up to yours.”