Chapter 2: Bambinae

The blinding white light eventually gave way to a single bench alone in the nothingness; a simple white stone that took shape as my eyes adjusted to the stark light. I wasn’t sure if this was a dream, or the afterlife, or purgatory, or something else entirely. But I was a Christian, a practicing one at that, so I had a certain expectation I would be looking towards some eternal reward. But whether this was it, well that was still up for discussion, so it seemed. As I looked at the bench, I realised that upon it was seated a figure, a woman by the looks of things, but I couldn’t make out any of her features, nor afterwards would I be able to remember anything about her. She was beautiful, that much I knew, but it was something I understood in my soul...not something I observed with my eyes. It was as if her beauty was objective, a universal truth that I understood regardless of what my preferences or subjective likes and dislikes were.

I took a tentative step towards the figure and then, figuring I was dead and not much more could go wrong today, I audaciously took a seat beside her on the bench. I didn’t say anything to the woman at first and simply followed her gaze into nothingness. If this was heaven, I had eternity. If it was a dream, nothing I did now would make a difference and if it were purgatory, well, sitting quietly and not rudely interrupting the only other person here might be wise.

And so we sat. In the silence, I contemplated my existence and its sudden end, and I felt the anger at my situation welling up in front of me. I’d been a good person, I’d gone to church - not as often as I should, but certainly more than most. I was a volunteer Paramedic on weekends, I gave my time to help people when they needed it. I protected people! Then the first time I find true happiness it’s taken away from me. Sasha was taken away from me. And finally, after mourning her death, and piecing my life back together... finally as I started to feel human again, all of it is snatched away because I tried to do a good deed!

I seethed in my seat, and my anger grew. I could feel it more acutely than I ever did when I was alive. My soul burned with rage and sorrow and loss and for the briefest of moments I gave in to it and felt the power that it gave me. It was intoxicating and I felt in that moment I could destroy anything I wanted.

And why shouldn’t I?

I’d lost everything. Everything I loved. I’d lived a good and honourable life; and my reward was a lonely, violent death.

Why should anyone else have happiness that I was denied?

And as quickly as I thought it, I felt shame. Shame and sorrow and humility and loss. I fell forward with elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. The tears were streaming down my face with the trauma washing over me. The realisation that I’d almost betrayed everything I’d believed in by succumbing to the anger and jealousy brought waves of sobbing that opened the flood gates for sorrow that had been built up for years.

I felt a small touch. A fingertip, nothing more, was touching my knee. The movement had been subtle, but the woman’s hand had moved silently and her single fingertip lightly brushing my knee had been like a shot through me. The sorrow was gone in an instant and an unbelievable calm had replaced the waves of loneliness and loss. Even the trauma of dying was lessened by the touch.

Then, all at once, I had knowledge. Impossible knowledge of events occurring after my death. I saw how the train had only barely clipped my head, but the force of the speeding locomotive had rag-dolled me across the platform and I’d hit not one, but two support pillars before I lay in a crumpled heap. The two ambulant bullies dragged their injured friend away, leaving the ‘spare’ looking horrified over my body. He knew I’d taken his place, and he stood in stunned silence at what had happened, seemingly turned to stone.

I watched, as the girl I’d saved reported the situation to the police and the other members of the public gave evidence. The boys got sexual harassment charges and all got off with a slap on the wrist. I shook my head ruefully. But all three would go on to die of crime related incidents after leading disappointing lives. It didn’t make me happy, or satisfied; it just seemed like a waste of three lives.

I watched as the girl grew older, married and adopted a son whom, to my surprise, she named after me. I guess I made an impression... well aside from the literal one I made on the train and two support pillars of the platform.

I watched the spare kid turn to alcohol and lose himself in depression. I sighed as it looked like my sacrifice would be in vain. It wasn’t until he was about 30 that he was taken into rehab and started to turn his life around. He ended up getting a business management qualification and becoming a manager of the same rehabilitation centre he attended. Maybe it wasn’t a waste after all.

In the end, there wasn’t much more closure after that. My funeral had been poorly attended due to my outliving most of my family and being distanced from what remained. I had a few friends who mourned me, but few words were said, and a couple of old mates used the funeral as an excuse to catch up on old times and get wasted at the local pub. My estate wasn’t large and my will had been easy to discharge. I was buried and it seemed quite surreal when I looked up again at the stark white surrounds and the odd, nondescript-yet-beautiful woman who was sitting next to me.

Her hand had moved back to her lap and I sat up to take a long slow breath in, before sighing with a sad contentedness.

“Well... I guess that, is that.” I said, as much to myself as to her. But then I looked at her, sitting like a statue with her hooded cloak obscuring her face, which was already difficult to look at.

“What’s next?” I asked, presuming that there WAS a next and that there would be some sort of guidance into what was to come. This didn’t seem like oblivion and whilst my knowledge of heaven was based off what I was told at church, this didn’t seem like it.

The woman lifted her head at the question and spoke quietly. Before she did, I realised that I could understand her meaning without listening to the words. Just as before when I had understood she was beautiful despite not actually knowing what she looked like, it didn’t matter what she said, I knew what she meant.

But of all emotions, I wasn’t expecting surprise.

“That was... quicker than normal.” She spoke quietly and her meaning was clear. It was unusual for someone to process the emotions and come to terms with the end of their mortality so quickly. But even though it was faster than normal, I felt that she had revealed something else in her words.

“That wasn’t foreknowledge you gave me... was it? It wasn’t you showing me what was going to happen...” I smiled grimly. “We've sat here for.... what... 25 years?”

The woman smiled, at least, I think she did as I still couldn’t make her face out more than a blur. But as crazy as it might sound, her soul smiled.

“You catch on quickly.”

I shrugged and looked around. “I read a lot of fantasy, I enjoyed different cultures’ tales and myths and legends. I figure time would work differently in an infinite plane of nothingness which exists for eternity.”

The woman nodded. “Your reasoning is incorrect, but you’ve still managed to reach the correct assertion. It depends...”

Normally, the last part of her response would confuse me. It depends on what? But once again I could sense her meaning in a way that suggested that she truly was speaking with her soul and that the words were simply a holdover of my previous mortal needs.

“What happens next depends on what I choose?”

The woman nodded slowly. “You were moderately religious in your life, certainly followed the tenets of your God and helped others... you have earned your eternal rest. If you want to, you may pass to your God’s embrace and they will accept you lovingly.”

Once again, the meaning was not lost on me.

“But you don’t want me to.” I eyed her curiously. “You have something else in mind?”

The woman’s emotions became mixed as she was torn between her need and her sense of duty. Between her beliefs and her virtues and the necessity of what she was about to ask of me.

“You were right when you felt you had been cheated.” She began. “You are, by no means, the only one to have been robbed of a life they deserved. And certainly, there are those more deserving of what I am about to offer you, and I mean you no offence, but you are here and they are not. And I would ask something of you.”

She was stalling. She didn’t want to ask me. It went against everything she believed in to try to divert me from my eternal reward.

“How can you offer me something to take me away from God?” I asked puzzled. “Surely there is nothing you can do to take a soul from him?”

Her manner became calmer for a moment. “The God of whom you speak has allowed me to approach you as a favour. They have allowed me to offer you a deferment of your reward should you agree to help me in the meantime.”

There was more that was being said, and my painfully mortal brain was struggling to take it all in. There were many worlds, there were many Gods. There were infinite variations of worlds and Gods and peoples and, as the knowledge poured in, my head began to spin until I finally grasped the reality of my situation amongst all the chaos. It hit me like a brick and I scrambled away from her, falling off the bench in fear and awe. The revelation was terrifying, wracking my entire body with awe and fear and terror. And in all of this I could do nothing but lay myself prostrate in front of her, averting my eyes as I felt the divine radiance crash down upon me.

“You’re a Goddess.” I panted under the pressure of the revelation.

“I am” She whispered, and the two words reverberated with such power that I thought my skull would be shattered by the sheer pressure that her speech imparted on my head. In an instant, it was gone. The power, the awe, the justifiable terror disappeared as she smiled lovingly at me and patted the seat next to her.

“I am Bambinae.” She stated simply, without the headache-inducing divine speech that had almost undone me with a mere two words. “Your faith is not a lie.” She assured me. “For your people, on your world, there was but one true God. However, in other universes, there are similarly other Gods, and in many there are entire pantheons. In my world, I am the Goddess of hearth and home, fertility and maternity. I am responsible for the women and children and those who would protect them.” Bambinae smiled, though I never saw it, I could feel it. “The offer I make is this. Defer your eternal reward and live a life for me in the world where my people reside. You have been measured and found most suitable for this task. Regardless of how you perform, your eternal reward in Heaven is assured by your God. I am here to give you another chance at life before that.”

I felt the catch in her words. There was a large downside she was leaving unsaid.

“It’s a new life in a different world. And you know I will face many dangers and trials.” I summarised. “That is why it is an offer and not just a reward in itself. I am going to face death and destruction and chaos on a level that I couldn’t imagine, let alone anything I saw while I was alive.”

Bambinae looked at me sadly. “And once you leave here, I will not be able to help you directly. We will speak, from time to time, but for the most part you will be on your own. The other deities will help or hinder you as they can manage, but you can expect to be left alone for quite some time.”

“So the upside is…?”

She smiled warmly. “It will also be a good life, full of happiness and love. You will know great joy.” And her soul meant it.

I was getting a second chance. My new life would be difficult, but happy. I would face trials, but not alone. And when it was done, I would go to heaven. It wasn’t a difficult choice.

I nodded. “Ok... so what do I need to do?”

Bambinae beamed and leant forward to kiss my head. I felt warm and gooey inside, like I’d just done something to earn grandma’s favour.

“You’ve already done it. Just be yourself and you will find the way. I can’t tell you any more than this.”

I sat for quite some time in silence as I considered this new life and the promises made to me. A question occurred to me.

“You said my God owed you a favour?”

Bambinae nodded. “These trades happen frequently. Sometimes a God needs a specific actor in their world but does not have the time to create them in the regular way. Like master craftsmen sharing rare tools, we sometimes lend souls to one another. I gave your deity a special woman who inspired millions in your world to show charity and self-sacrifice to those less fortunate.”

My eyes went wide. “I think I know of the woman. They are trying to make her a saint.”

The deity smiled. “As you will be. But only if you are good and protect those you meet. You have been chosen because you saved your enemy. You sacrificed yourself for someone who you didn’t even know. But in addition, you have the fire and courage to destroy when it is necessary. I need this for my holy knight.”

“I don’t really have the body to be a holy warrior.” I chuckled sardonically. “I’m not the athletic type.”

The Goddess grinned. “You will have the blessings of Bambinae. Whilst I am not known for being a deity of war, I understand the need to protect the innocent. You will have everything you need, when you need it. And you WILL need it.”

I nodded, placated. “So, I don’t have a mission? An objective?”

She began to fade from view and I suddenly became very tired as she spoke gently into my mind.

“Do what you believe is right. Sometimes a goal in the future will distract you from the good you can do now. Protect the innocent, show compassion to the weak and mercy to the enemy who yields. Remove the cancer of unrepentant evil and be an example to others of love. When the time comes, I will tell you more.”

Her last words were spoken directly into my mind as I struggled to keep my eyes open. The darkness crept in upon me as the blinding white gave way to my crushing weariness and I succumbed to the demand of sleep.