THE REASON FOR MY ABSENCE
Content Warning: This post discusses addiction, compulsive sexual behavior, adult content consumption, and relationship conflict. Reader discretion is advised.
Why I’m writing this now: I chose silence over half-answers and excuses. I would rather pause, take responsibility, and come back with honesty than continue posting while not being fully present or truthful about what was happening.
Hey everyone, how’s it going?
So… it’s been a while since I last said anything, huh?
In fact, I’ve gone completely radio silent pretty much everywhere.
And there’s a reason for that.
Before we continue, I need to warn you that what I’m about to say may come across to some of you as a sob story, an exaggeration, or even complete bullshit, but...
Getting straight to the point: I’m someone struggling with porn addiction.
Again, many of you might think that “porn addiction” is bullshit. How can someone become addicted to something that doesn’t even enter their system?
Well, let me explain.
Addiction is characterized by an uncontrollable compulsion toward a substance or behavior, even in the face of negative consequences. It involves loss of control, the need for increasingly larger doses (tolerance), physical and/or psychological withdrawal symptoms when stopping, and the abandonment of other activities to focus on the addiction...affecting work, studies, and relationships, with noticeable physical and emotional changes. (If something here is off, blame Google; I’m not a psychologist.)
In short: behavior can also be addictive.
If I had to pinpoint where this started, I’d have to go back at least two decades...to when I was around 15, maybe even younger...when I had my first contact with Playboy magazines.
From that point on, it was pretty much all downhill, eventually bringing me to where I am (or was).
“But Lykanz, you develop a porn game…”
I know, right? Crazy how things turn out.
And I absolutely love working on The Inn. I love your feedback, and I love how eagerly you all wait for every update...even if I sometimes don’t understand how you can like something as poorly realized as The Inn.
But even that was being affected by my addiction.
At the beginning of 2025, I started noticing some very clear patterns in my behavior.
Every day, I’d wake up and go straight to the usual sites...you know the ones. Sometimes I wouldn’t even have breakfast or brush my teeth first. It was an automatic reaction to waking up.
I’m married, so I felt like I had to take every opportunity I could to look up that kind of content. At least, that’s what I told myself.
If, for any reason, I was denied that...because my wife wanted to do something, or because I had another obligation that couldn’t wait...I’d become stressed, annoyed, angry. That sour mood would stick with me for the rest of the day until I was finally able to consume porn.
And as most of you probably know, porn rarely comes alone. It’s usually accompanied by other things: compulsive sexual behavior, money spending (because we always need that sweet exclusive content, right?).
That’s where things got much worse.
As I said, I’m married. I’ve been married for over 11 years to a woman I love with all my heart...and who loves me back. She’s gorgeous and has everything I ever wanted in a woman.
So how could I say I loved her when I’d rather consume sexual content all day than spend time with her?
How could I lie to her face and say everything was fine, that I was just stressed about work, when in reality I was angry because I had to spend time with her instead of watching porn?
Because yes, it got to that point.
I’d turn on my computer, go to the usual sites, and stay stuck in that cycle all day until I couldn’t hold it anymore. Sometimes it would take the entire day between “sessions.”
By the end of the day, I was exhausted and had zero energy...or desire...for any kind of interaction with anyone.
I did it to the point of physical pain and injury, but I ignored it. I had to watch the next video because that girl looked really hot, or nasty, or cute...whatever...or play the next game because it had some cool scenes.
It was a bottomless pit of hollow self‑serving behavior disguised as what many people call “normal dude behavior.” This is my personal experience, not a judgment on how others live.
Sure, it can be normal...for a teenager or a single man. Not for a nearly 40‑year‑old married man.
Eventually, it started affecting The Inn’s development as well. I’d spend entire days consuming porn instead of actually working on the game.
“It’s fine,” I told myself. “I’ll just come up with some excuse to post on Patreon. People will understand.”
That was a lie.
It was lies on top of lies on top of more lies.
And lying, by the way, is another classic characteristic of addiction.
I lied to my wife. I lied to my parents. I lied to her parents. I lied to everyone.
Certain adult forums became an all‑you‑can‑consume buffet. Discord had an infinite number of communities full of adult content. The internet itself became a playground of vice.
And it was starting to seriously affect my marriage.
I was alienating my wife. Even when I was with her, I wasn’t really with her. I’d be on my phone, browsing the next porn site, the next live cam show, or the next porn game.
She would talk to me, and I’d reply with monosyllables: “uh‑huh,” “yeah,” “cool,” “heh.”
Then one day, she just stopped talking.
“You’re not here anyway,” she said. “Why would I bother?”
My reaction?
I got angry.
“What do you mean? I’m here, aren’t I? Didn’t you want to spend time with me? What more do you want?”
She looked me straight in the eyes and said:
“I want you to be here, not just ‘be’ here. You’re here, but you’re not. You’re doing God knows what on that phone.”
That turned into a huge fight.
We don’t usually fight. In almost 20 years of knowing each other, you could count our fights on one hand.
But that one… that one was rough.
Things were said. Things I didn’t want to hear...but needed to.
That was the breaking point.
I couldn’t stand myself anymore.
I had to put a stop to it...for my sake, for my wife’s sake, and for our marriage.
I completely cut porn out of my life (aside from The Inn, obviously).
I stopped visiting the sites I used to frequent. I left every Discord server I was in...even servers fellow developers and friends. I stopped visiting THAT one forum altogether.
There was no middle ground. No “slowly cutting back.”
Slowly would only mean giving it a chance to come back.
I had to cut it at the root.
And honestly? It was one of the best decisions I’ve made in a long time.
It was hard at first...old habits die hard...but it was a fight I had to fight against no one but myself.
To do that, I also had to take a break from developing The Inn.
As much as I hated to admit it, simply sitting at my computer to work on the game was deeply associated with behaviors that always led me back to porn.
So I started developing a new game...something completely detached from The Inn and from porn in general. It also served as a learning experience with a “real” game engine (well, as real as Godot can be).
I’ll be honest: there were moments when I seriously considered abandoning The Inn altogether.
But that wouldn’t be right.
I’ve poured a lot of effort into this project, and you’ve supported me every step of the way...some of you since the very beginning.
Pulling the plug like that just didn’t feel right.
Eventually, though, Patreon support started to (justifiably) decline, bills began piling up, and I felt it was time to return to The Inn.
I won’t pretend it was easy.
It wasn’t.
But it proved something important to me: I can work on The Inn without falling back into the addiction trap.
“But you say you’re a porn addict, and yet you develop a porn game. Isn’t that harmful to other people, the same way porn was harmful to you?”
Yeah… I know.
I feel like a massive hypocrite every time I think about it.
I haven’t fully made up my mind about that yet.
Maybe I never will.
I also won’t lie and say this journey has been all roses.
It hasn’t.
It’s been hard. I’ve had relapses along the way...one of them got really dark, and for a moment I thought I wouldn’t make it out again.
But that’s part of the process.
I don’t claim to be the worst case of addiction out there, nor do I think my struggle is harder than anyone else’s.
But as they say: every day is like the first.
So… that’s my story.
Someone struggling with porn addiction. A porn game developer. And, yes, often feeling like a hypocrite.
If you’ve read all the way to this point, I hope it meant something to you...and maybe even helps you, the same way other people’s stories have helped me.
What this means going forward
I’m not writing this to promise perfect consistency or to claim this chapter is “over.” What I can commit to is transparency, healthier boundaries around my work, and a more sustainable pace. Stepping away was necessary so that returning could be done responsibly.
I’m back working on The Inn with clearer limits and a better understanding of what puts me at risk. That doesn’t make me immune, but it does make me more accountable.
Thank you for sticking around, for your patience, and for supporting the project through something that wasn’t visible, but was very real.
Take care.
PS: Yes... This post was proofread and formatted in ChatGPT... But that was only to organize the ideas better and make it clearer.
Comments (17)
everyone use IA to polish the work, no worries... and tnx for sharing, im new here but i hope ur ok
we can wait though right guys?,take care man
I've plowed through a chemical addiction. I get it. This is not just psychological, it brings a chemical response/imbalance as it develops even when the CAUSE IS NOT CHEMICAL. Mine was alcohol. Drinking won't kill you quickly, but quitting will. It did me, twice, flatlining on the table while my family was told I wouldn't be leaving the hospital. All the "steps" and rehabs didn't work. I had to decide to quit, MYSELF, before I caused any more pain to my family, friends, and myself in that order and came out alive with end stage liver disease on the other side. That happened 11 years ago. Keep a doctor involved, and keep talking about it. Your physical symptoms won't be as hardcore as mine, but stay on top of your bloodwork. Your response to stimuli triggers chemicals you can't pronounce, generally affecting psychological well being for worse, not better. I'd caution against staying so close to it, but you already know that. Screw the "base". If you benefit by walking away that's the greatest gift you can give those who care about you. It's like a fire. If you get out, everything else can and will be replaced or remembered. And to those who whine about the bible thumpers clamping down on your "freedoms", listen to hear, not to speak. Yeah, they're hypocrites, loud and maybe even a cult but the concerns are often valid. If you get off on others being used, taken advantage of, humiliated or forced into situations they don't agree to then aren't you an enabler? Is the platform itself? Does supporting it lead to real world crisis situations? That's not my call to make, publicly or legally, but I've asked myself that dozens of times. And subscribed to probably 200+ AVNs over the years. I'll never support NTR, and even NTS is over the top for me generally. I'll take my kinks in small doses with good outcomes. The world is less dark that way. And our world in the U.S. is chaotic enough lately IMO! Godspeed and good luck.
Hmmmm try to meditate Dev clear your mind heart and soul bond with your family but please don't abandoned the inn finish what your started we don't want the inn to have the same fate as those abandoned good games so please finish it give it a good happy ending.
Cara falar pra você, deve ser muito difícil se ver preso em algo, principalmente se esse algo te priva de momentos felizes com sua família. Devo dizer que fico muito feliz por você ter toda essa força de vontade de lutar por aquilo que te deixa feliz e em paz consigo mesmo. Muito obrigado por continuar desenvolvendo The inn! e se pudesse te dar uma dica, apenas não torne o game focado 100% em cena +18. Faça uma historia onde por ventura assim como todo jovem adulto acaba tento relação com uma guria ou outra, mas que não seja obrigado a todo evento ou desenvolvimento se tornar uma cena +18 e que o sexo se torne o que deveria ser (um dos meus pontos de vista) a entrega e demonstração de sentimentos e carinho pela parceira.
honestly as someone who also has this addiction, hell i have almost 6tb of storage just to store some of them, but i still balance it out somehow. does it alienate me from my family, yes somewhat but me being there for them all the time they need me does make it easier. this is not a comparison, i just wanted to say try to enjoy other things as well and enjoy this as another entertainment. PS: all my social media is full of this stuff and i dont mean direct porn but all sorts of stuff that will end ones social dignity lol to the point i dont even have ot search it up, it just comes up even when im scrolling for everyday news updates haha so ive accepted it and just see it as another form of entertainment now. am i still addicted to adult stuff including porn, yes! am i letting it effect the rest of my life? no, im the one who decides how my life goes. live your life man, it will always be a part of our lives unless you can accept it and see it as normal you will not be able to replace it with other things.
I don’t see any hypocrisy in your work with 18+ VNs. Eroticism, whether explicit or not, has always existed in movies, books, and games. It can be used to tell a story. In your case, you use it to bring the characters closer, create catharsis, and add humor, elements you explore a lot in your game. You go beyond just using it for sexual gratification. When I play your game, I see those scenes more as part of the character interactions and how they affect the story, rather than for personal pleasure. An addiction doesn’t disappear easily. You learn to live with it and try to control it, but relapses will happen. Don’t let that get you down. You have a family, a wife who supports you, and that already makes a big difference. The important thing is to ask yourself before acting if it’s really worth it, and in most cases, the answer is no. Your mental and physical health are far more important. Anyway, I hope not only that you manage to overcome this, but also that I can enjoy the next update of your game, and see your personal growth as well. ❤
Personally, I don't deliberately hide my interest in erotic games; I prefer playing with my partner. I always play with my wife (of course, the themes we choose usually revolve around motherhood, acceptance, growth, and lighthearted humor. Haha, maybe it also has something to do with my wife being a few years older than me, and I project her image into the game. We don't play games with dark themes because absorbing such negative information can damage our mental health and distort our perception of things.). What satisfies us is not just the erotic content, but more importantly, the warm and touching love between the MC and their families. However, everyone's situation is different, and generalizations cannot be made. My wife and I both think your game is fantastic, the character development is superb, and it was a very enjoyable time in our gaming careers. It's a pity we're in China and don't understand international payment methods, so we can't support you on Patreon. Sorry for digressing, but anyway, we wish you all the best in overcoming your porn addiction and for a happier family life.
Actually behavioural addiction is pretty common, I suppose porn addiction is lesser known perhaps due to the sensitive NSFW nature of it. I mean I look around IRL and can identify at least two individuals with addiction. One, a coworker, is addicted to microdramas - she can't stop watching to the point of skipping lunch break, hiding in the office toilet or at the pantry and now she's sort of "condemned" by higher ups for poor performance. Another guy has gone nuts over trading cards to the point he's just spending all his time and money on them. Nowadays he doesn't reply to any group chats or appear for social events. So you aren't alone Lykanz and the fact you've taken firm action to nib the problem already proves you're better than them.
I applaud your courage for sharing and appreciate the transparency. I wish you great success on this path of recovery.
Jesus, as I’m reading this confession and scrolling down further and further down the page I’m saying to myself, man oh man Lykanz is very brave to be able to reveal this and understand his addiction and have the strength to fight it, I get it, my brother was married years ago and he didn’t have the strength that you have and they were divorced, I don’t remember you mentioning talking to a therapist? If you’re not maybe you should to save yourself and your marriage, at this point you owe to your wife ( I don’t know if you have kids) to fight your addiction, yeah, we all love porn sometimes but everything about it is fake, maybe a therapist will help you realize this, also I assume developing a “ porn “ is going to make your addiction worse, maybe a therapist will help you through this area as well? Maybe include your wife if you talk to a therapist, obviously she loves you and would definitely love to be part of your healing, I’m really glad that you had the strength to realize your addiction and you’re on the path to recovery, I pray that you can save yourself married and have the strength to defeat this addiction, we all appreciate you honestly and transparency and please for the sake of your well being and your family’s well being fight this addiction, take care of yourself
In a very general way you may be enabling someone's addiction, but in your context, there's literally a million other ways someone could fulfill their addiction without your vn. As you apparently have discovered, one should practice self-responsibity for their own actions first. A person has difficulty controlling themselves, let alone the rest of the world. "All control is perceived. You can barely control what you have in your own hands."
I am glad you are approaching the way of getting better now Lykanz. In the further distant past I was struggling with addiction as well, but something different. I recognize the behaviour and patterns and can relate to your conflict. Also that there need to be rules and boundaries you stick to yourself, to be even capable and saving the bigger whole. I really hope you can mend the wounds your marriage and life sustained. It is also understandable you don't want to abandon something you put many, many hours and your heart in, and people as well invested into, to even get to thhis point. I hope you can work out a way for yourself to remain functional. But you always have to be mindful about your own limits. One can fail of course. Relapse. But you haven't lost, as long you don't give up to try and get in a better state and situation. I hope the best for you man.
GLAD to hear you saw the harm your addiction was doing before it got too late. I think we all could use a wake-up call like that and have a deep think. Does our porn consumption affect the rest of our lives? (Mine does, more than I want to admit. I'm not hurting my job...yet...but need to think about my first go-to when I wake up in the morning. Which sometimes lasts for more than an hour or two.)
Take care of yourself man. As much as we want to play more the inn don't do it if it's at the cost of your well-being. We will play more inn when you are well and good
Glad you’re doing better, Lykanz. Addictions are hard to break, especially one as dopamine driven as pornography. Glad you’ve focused on fixing the problem at the root. And hey, it might sound hypocritical of me saying this as a fan of porn games, but as you’ve seen it can put a detriment on relationships and is not great in general. I really like The Inn for the story mostly (I know, I know) and I’m glad you’re still continuing it, but I’m also glad you’re taking time to focus on bettering yourself and your relationships.
You made the first steps in recovery, you saw you had a problem and decided enough was enough. All addictions are hard to overcome. Your making progress and that is great. Now I know your here again and have not given up, I will increase my giving again.