(AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN) NIHILISM

Powerlessness is a vicious cycle.

You rage and rage and rage against the unfairness of it all, until the anger exhausts itself and leaves you crying instead. Then you cry and cry and cry as the truth of your inability finally sets in, and once the tears have run dry, you find yourself raging all over again.

And in between those bouts of lucidity, when you appear calm and in control, you finally understand.

Nothing matters.

Not you, not your family, not your friends, not your anger, not your fear, not your hatred. Nothing.

You are all dancing to the tune of an incomprehensible marriage, bound to a meaningless existence with nothing but the faintest hope that maybe, somehow, it won’t all be bad.

But it is.

It really is.

And so the cycle continues.

Taylor rages until there is nothing left in her to rage with, and then she cries until she can’t remember what made her angry in the first place. Eventually, she grows tired enough to stop, and for a while there is nothing except the strange calm that comes after exhausting every emotion she has.

That is when the understanding comes.

She can’t change everything.

She can’t save everyone.

She can’t even save the person she loves most.

The loops give her another chance every time she dies, yet that chance never extends to anyone else. She can return from the dead, but her dad can’t. Her mother can’t. The people she has failed can’t.

Taylor can keep trying, but there will always be another possibility she hasn’t considered, another angle she hasn’t seen, another way for everything to go wrong.

And what does any of that make her?

Who, even, is Taylor Hebert?

A girl?

A daughter?

A hero?

Neither?

All?

What is Taylor Hebert?

A collection of cells?

A ticking time bomb?

A complicated mess of emotions and ideals?

Neither?

All?

Why is Taylor Hebert?

Why is she the way she is?

Why does she feel too much and, at the same time, not enough?

Why does she rage against fate and yet go with the flow when there is nothing left for her to do?

Why does she hate her mother for dying and yet love her in spite of that?

Why does she keep fighting when every victory seems to lead her toward another battle?

Why does she continue when she is so tired?

Why is she Taylor Hebert?

She has died too many times to count.

She has screamed until her throat is scraped raw, cried until she has nothing left in her, and experienced the worst humanity has to offer. She has watched people die, watched herself die, and learned that there are some things even her power can’t give back to her.

Why, then, shouldn’t she rest?

Why must she continue?

Why is she burdened by responsibilities she never asks for, in a life she can never predict?

Why does she have to keep getting back up?

Why?

Why is it so hard?

Why is it so tiring?

Why, why, why, why, why…?