Mushoku Tensei — Chapter 162 - If5.1 — Tears Unshed

In any case, I accepted the little girl.

I didn't ask her age. I didn't ask about her past.

I just wanted her near me.

Her voice sounds a lot like Aisha's. So I keep mishearing things.

That's not so bad. At least I'll have fewer nightmares from now on.

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"Lord Rudeus..."

I was holding Aisha's hand, wandering without direction.

No reason for it. I just felt like doing it.

Aisha always used to like holding my hand.

Hmm.

She preferred pulling me along, actually.

Come to think of it, my little sister would have grown into quite a forceful woman.

Why didn't I notice that before.

Why does it always take something like this before I start remembering.

"Lord Rudeus?"

"Hm?"

"You're crying..."

"Ah?"

Tears. Rolling down without warning.

It wasn't sadness.

If anything, I was happy right now.

This was Aisha. Her exact face. Her exact everything.

My little sister had appeared in front of me like she'd come back to life. How could I not be happy?

But.

How do I put this.

Because I treated Aisha gently on account of how she looked, I found myself not wanting her to actually act like Aisha.

And she hadn't. Not once.

Unlike Aisha, she was a quiet child.

Aisha would have caused trouble. Teased her older brother. Made jokes.

I hadn't seen any of that from Aisha, not even once.

I kept thinking about it.

Maybe she used to be just as mischievous. Maybe being a slave ground it out of her, little by little, until she buried her real self.

An ugly thought. Disgusting, even. Especially after I'd just told myself I didn't want her to be like Aisha.

And yet I genuinely hoped.

"Lord Rudeus... please don't be sad..."

"I'm not sad. I'm happy right now."

"Happy...? But you're crying..."

"Tears don't only come from sadness. You can cry when you're happy too."

"Is that so...?"

"Yeah."

Without thinking, I reached out toward Aisha.

I was going to pat her on the head.

Just as my hand got close, she closed her eyes.

It wasn't the easy, comfortable anticipation of a head pat. Not the kind Aisha would have had.

It was fear.

Fear that the hand was about to come down hard.

She'd been through that before. She had to have been.

I lowered my hand. In the end, I didn't touch her head.

She wasn't Aisha.

We weren't close like that.

She was afraid of me. I'd killed so many slaves right in front of her. What child not even ten years old wouldn't be?

Then her hand caught mine.

"Lord Rudeus... why... won't you pat my head..."

"You were afraid."

"That was just...! I accidentally remembered something else..."

"You're not my little sister. Being afraid of me makes sense. It's fine."

"I'm not afraid of you! Lord Rudeus — you bought me, and in the end you didn't kill me. I'm grateful for that."

"Only because you look like my little sister."

"Even so... I'm still grateful to you..."

In the end, I never did pat her head.

➤ Next: If6 — Heartbreak