Mushoku Tensei — Chapter 51 - Love — Heartbreak

By the time the meeting ended, the sun had fully set.

I returned to my room.

A room with only the bare minimum of furniture.

I should have been unpacking, but I didn't feel like doing anything. I just sat on the bed.

It felt like my body was sinking into the mattress.

More tired than I'd expected.

Aisha climbed up behind me and started kneading my shoulders.

"Brother, are you tired?"

"Maybe."

I hadn't done anything particularly exhausting today. Yet the fatigue clung to my whole body, heavy and close.

Mental exhaustion. That's what this was.

No. That wasn't all of it. I was still in shock.

The garden tree in Buena Village that Zenith had cherished so much.

The tree scorched by lightning when I was learning Saint-level Water Magic with Roxy.

The big tree where Sylphiette and I used to play.

All of it gone.

To me... those were precious childhood memories. Even if they were just trees.

Knock, knock, knock.

An ill-timed knock at the door.

Aisha trotted over from the bed.

"Coming, coming. Who is it?"

"It's me. Ghislaine."

When the door opened, Ghislaine looked down at Aisha.

Aisha smiled up at this woman who carried the strength of a Sword King.

"Uh... ah... right! Aisha Greyrat, I'm going to teach you swordsmanship."

"Huh?"

And just like that, Aisha was carried off by her.

I had no idea what Ghislaine was planning, but she wouldn't do anything to hurt Aisha.

Just as I let out my second sigh—

Knock, knock, knock.

"...Come in."

Even answering felt like effort. I didn't get up to open the door.

It was Eris.

"Good evening, Rudeus."

"Good evening, Eris. Have you made your decision?"

"Yes. I've made up my mind."

Impressive. Truly impressive.

If I had suffered the deaths of my entire family, I would probably lose my mind.

She was... so strong.

"So. What does Eris plan to do now?"

"Well... anything is fine, I suppose."

"Eris, don't say things like that. If you want, I can help. Whether it's that nobleman, or the refugees here..."

Eris looked at me directly.

It was only then I noticed her attire was different from usual.

She was wearing a black dress she had bought in Milishion but never once put on.

It suited her crimson hair perfectly, like something you'd wear to a formal occasion.

She carried the scent of soap from a recent bath.

And beyond that, something else. A faint, sweet fragrance the usual Eris never had.

Where had I smelled that before?

Perfume?

"Rudeus. I'm all alone now."

"All alone... Eris, do you not consider me family?"

"Rudeus, honestly. That's not what I meant. I've already come of age."

Come of age...

So her birthday had already passed? Probably not today, but...

"I'm terribly sorry. I forgot."

"You have to make it up to me, Rudeus."

"Is there something you want?"

Eris moved closer and sat down beside me.

"Let's see. There is one thing."

"Hm?"

"Family."

I knew she was talking about something else.

But at that moment, Orsted surfaced in my mind. If it were him, did he have some ability to bring the dead back to life...?

"Rudeus. Become my family."

"Eris, I've always thought we already were family."

"I know! What I want is to go further. The kind of..."

"...I understand."

Right. Having lost everyone she loved, Eris wanted someone to lean on.

I could be that for her. But...

"Eris, I hope you're not doing this out of despair..."

"Honestly!"

Before I could finish, Eris pushed me flat onto the bed.

Her sun-bronzed chest and beautiful face filled my entire field of vision.

Eris opened her mouth to speak, then suddenly felt something pressing against her thigh.

Her face flushed even deeper.

"Rudeus. You clearly like me very much."

"I'd like to say I'm a rational person, but in a situation like this, my body reacts whether I want it to or not..."

"So Rudeus likes my body, then?"

"It's not just your body. I like all of Eris. But... Aisha..."

"It's fine! I already had Ghislaine take Aisha to stay at an inn. No one will disturb us tonight."

"Is that so... but this position right now..."

"Does Rudeus not like being pinned under me?"

"No, it's not that I don't like it... I'm trying to say... I don't have any experience..."

"Rudeus. You're so cute~"

Her face burning with a deep, feverish flush, as though she had lost all reason, Eris pressed me into the bed.

She let out a slow breath.

"Hey, Rudeus. I learned this from Mother, but it was forbidden, and it's far too embarrassing, so I'll only say it once."

She took a deep breath.

Quietly, she brought her face close to my ear.

And then she spoke.

In a syrupy, sweet voice,

she tore the seal from something that had been forbidden.

"I want to bear Rudeus's kittens, meow~"

The words traveled through my ear and straight into my brain.

And just like that, the last of my resisting reason was effortlessly devoured.

--------

I, Eris Boreas Greyrat, became an adult on the day I came of age.

I received an adult birthday gift from Rudeus.

I love him deeply.

When did I first become clearly aware of that...

Yes. The first time I recognized this feeling was on his birthday.

I was asleep when Mother woke me, dressed me in bright red sleepwear, and told me with a serious expression, "Go to his room and give yourself to him."

I didn't feel any aversion to that. If anything, I had always kind of wanted it.

I had heard about such things from Mother and Edna more than once. It was always said with the implication that one day I would do the same.

It was just that on that day, I still hadn't steeled my resolve.

I thought it was far too early for all of that.

I wonder if Rudeus sensed my hesitation. He didn't lay a hand on me, as though he had seen right through my uncertainty.

Looking back, it seems he was up talking with Father until very late that night.

They were discussing Rudeus quitting his position and going home.

Turning that over in my mind, a thought surfaced.

"Maybe he doesn't like me. That's why he won't touch me. And besides, Rudeus is leaving."

The moment that thought took hold, my own problems stopped mattering. All I wanted was to keep Rudeus from leaving.

So I acted. I hoped that using my body might be enough to make him stay.

"No, Eris. You're still young. You definitely can't understand..."

Again. Treating me like a child again.

Rudeus was always like that. He was younger than me, but he always treated me like a child.

If things continued like this, I would never be able to become Rudeus's lover...

And so I cried.

"Rudeus... do you hate me...?"

I didn't care how many tears I shed, as long as they won Rudeus's sympathy.

As expected, Rudeus was an incredibly gentle person. The moment I cried, he promised he would come back and continue being my teacher.

Looking back now... had I already been that calculating back then?

I followed Rudeus to his hometown. I met his parents. I met his childhood friend.

Sylphiette. She was a very shy girl. Our only common topic was talking about all the things Rudeus had done.

I understood that she liked him too. But... it isn't kind to say, though I'll say it anyway. Her place in Rudeus's heart was absolutely not greater than mine.

I would probably be the main wife, and she would be the concubine.

I got along well with Rudeus's parents and younger sisters. I came to understand his childhood friend's personality. Everything was moving in a good direction...

But then, suddenly, everything changed.

Teleported to some unknown place. I thought I was being punished.

Punishment for how selfishly I had always acted.

When I opened my eyes, there was only a sky full of stars and an endless, hollow loneliness. That feeling was so frightening I wanted to cry.

But before a few seconds had even passed, Rudeus's voice reached me. Calm. Steadying.

He comforted me. He comforted his little sister.

Even though you're younger than me... why are you so brave?

The reasons to love Rudeus grew by one more.

From that point on, Rudeus worked relentlessly.

Pale-faced, he forced himself to speak with demons he despised.

He barely ate anything.

He hid every sign of physical discomfort.

He was suffering somewhere we couldn't see, refusing to let Aisha or me carry any of it.

Because of that, I started to learn how to endure too.

I swallowed the urge to yell. I left every decision to Rudeus. I did my best to act like everything was normal.

But there were still things I simply couldn't hold back. The itch to punch those gossiping adventurers. The urge to throw myself at something dangerous when we were out on the road. That was how I bled off the fear I couldn't show anyone else.

In a situation that difficult, that was an incredibly selfish thing to do.

Rudeus never got angry. He stayed beside me anyway. Not a single word of complaint. He'd pat my head, hold my shoulders, and talk me back down.

He never seemed to care about his own body. His thoughts were always on Aisha and me.

Driving the carriage through the night alone, sleeping only 3 or 4 hours during the day because he was afraid Aisha and I wouldn't know the road.

I wanted to become stronger.

At the very least, I didn't want to be a burden to Rudeus.

Swinging a sword was the only thing I could do better than him.

I could only fight.

Yes. Only fight.

But even in battle, Rudeus didn't need me.

He always covered for me, I knew that. But I also knew that Rudeus had once nearly defeated Ghislaine.

Back then I didn't understand what that meant. But the older I got, the more I understood just how strong Ghislaine truly was.

Rudeus didn't need me.

That's what I believed.

During that time, Rudeus seemed impossibly tall.

So tall he seemed to radiate a light that hurt to look at directly.

That was what it meant to put someone on a pedestal.

If you asked me who I thought was a perfect human being, I wouldn't hesitate for even a moment.

Rudeus.

Everything changed after we encountered the Dragon God.

When fear had me frozen solid, Rudeus, a mage, was the first to break through it. He opened his mouth and told me to take Aisha and run.

Run. Rudeus knew this was an opponent we couldn't beat.

I thought: I should trust him. If Rudeus says run, I run. He would definitely find a way to escape too.

Rudeus wouldn't be wrong.

So I grabbed Aisha and ran.

Right up until that moment, I had believed death had nothing to do with us.

Then, a few seconds later, the Dragon God shook off Rudeus and appeared in front of me almost like he had teleported. One punch, and I was on the ground with no time to react at all.

My ears still worked. My vision was black.

I heard it. The sound of something tearing through flesh.

Not my body. Which meant it had to be the person Rudeus cared about most. His little sister. Aisha.

"AAAAAAAAAH!"

I screamed. Blind, I drew my sword anyway.

But seconds after getting to my feet, I went down again.

In that moment, I understood something. "Ah... so this is how weak I am..."

On the edge of unconsciousness, I heard Rudeus's shout, the crack of magic firing, and crying.

Crying. Could Rudeus cry...?

...

When I came to, Rudeus's hair had gone partly white.

He was unconscious. I didn't know what had happened to him.

Aisha was alive. I was alive. Rudeus was alive.

You're incredible, Rudeus. I don't know how you did it, but you kept all of us alive.

When Rudeus woke up, I kissed him.

I love him. I have my selfish reasons. But this love doesn't change because of them.

Rudeus didn't push me away. That made me genuinely happy.

After returning to the Tofia territory, the news hit me like an explosion.

My family. All of them. Dead.

I had been prepared for this, in a sense. I had just kept clinging to hope anyway.

So I went to Ghislaine.

"I want to become stronger. Strong enough to defeat Ghislaine. Strong enough to defeat the Dragon God."

"You... encountered the Dragon God?"

"Yes."

I couldn't live cleverly the way Rudeus did.

So I sought strength instead.

I wanted to protect Rudeus.

Rudeus wasn't invincible. When faced with an enemy beyond him, he would abandon his pride and kneel for the people he loved.

But if I had been stronger back then, stronger than Ghislaine, maybe the two of us together could have beaten that Dragon God.

I took Ghislaine's advice and decided to head for the Holy Land of Swords.

The refugees here meant nothing to me.

As for marrying some nobleman? Impossible. The one I love is Rudeus.

My family was gone. This territory had nothing to do with me anymore.

I was ready to discard the name Boreas as well. Someday soon, my name would probably be Eris Greyrat. Just thinking about it made me smile.

No, no. There was something else I needed to think about right now.

How was I going to tell Rudeus how I felt?

I wanted him to remember me. Always, always, always, even after I was gone.

Even if there were other women in his life, I wanted him to still have room for me.

Thinking back on it, there were some techniques for charming a man that Mother had once taught me...

"Right! That's what I'll do!"

I bathed. I changed into what I thought were my most attractive clothes. I sprayed on the perfume that noble girls were always wearing.

After confirming that Ghislaine had taken Aisha to the inn, I knocked on Rudeus's door.

"Good evening, Rudeus."

➤ Next: Parting — What Was Lost