Update
I’m sorry I haven’t been very active yet this month. I’d been working on getting all of my recordings down and was going to do editing afterwards- to try a different method of production. I have a few things that have been finished up for you all so I will try to post those soon, but I am not very well at the moment and Imagining getting back into ASMR related things doesn’t feel right. This past weekend one of my best friends passed away. Before I started making ASMR I worked at a greenhouse, and one of the reasons I loved working there was my friend Dono. He was the epitome of so many things I disagreed with and yet I admired him so much. We would talk about everything from music, to relationship issues, to family, god, death, and politics and even if we disagreed it was fun to debate- every conversation was a new opportunity to connect with someone. Maybe that’s just what happens when you’re outside playing around with dirt but he was an easy person to talk to, he was special. He made me question what I thought I knew and gave me faith that every person in the world, no matter their beliefs or history, has a strong heart worthy of love. You need one in order to make it in this life. We all have a soft gushy center that gets hardened as we try to tackle our own struggles. We deserve a little love and understanding at least for all of that. Dono had a lot of demons that he struggled with and I always wanted to help him, but once things started working out for me with ASMR and other jobs I stopped going to the greenhouse and I stopped talking to him. I regret that. A couple of months ago I reached out to him to see how he was doing and apparently it was not so good, apparently things had just continued to fall out of step. He had such a clear vision of where life could go, and so many big dreams to go along with it, but when they didn’t fall together like he had imagined, it must have gotten really hard for him. The struggles just piling up and eventually he couldn’t take it anymore and instead took his own life. I can barely compose this post without falling apart, he was such an incredible kid and died way too early. I can’t help but wish that I had been persistent with him, that I’d stayed at the greenhouse, that I’d hugged him more or asked him to come over, smoke a bowl and go cliff jumping. He was always a thrill seeker. I’ve never wished so badly that I could turn back time and do things differently. This is the closest I’ve ever been to a person who has died in my lifetime and I’m not really sure how to handle it. I’m sorry if I handle it poorly. All I can think to do now is be with his family and honor his life. I’m going to try to go on hikes, eat lots of pizza, do something fun and spontaneous. I know he would appreciate that. And I’ll try to get back into ASMR as soon as I can- I’m really sorry for this setback. You will all be getting your rewards this month as promised, just probably not in a timely manner. I love you all so so much and if you ever ever need anyone to help you, give you love, I am here- and if I can’t be here soon enough than please go out and seek that help. I know it isn’t easy but someone out there can help you. You’re worthy, you’re not alone, and life is too precious to give up on the future. This too shall pass.
Comments (22)
I love you so so so so very much aftyn you're my favorite person rn I wish I could meet you I'll go crazy. You're sooooooo beautiful i love your videos and I love you😘♥ keep your head up baby girl god bless you!!! I wanna talk to you everyday but idk how😔😢😞 ily aftyn😍😘
Alors
I recently went through the same thing. My uncle passed away last month from health complications. I’m grateful that I got to say goodbye before he passed. He was surrounded by the people that loved him until his last breath. I moved a few hours away and didn’t see him these last couple years because I was always busy with work. I will always regret that I didn’t visit him these last couple years when I still could’ve. I think we all wish we could’ve done something different in these situations. The thing I took away from this is I will always try to see my family more often because you never know when they’ll be gone. I’m sorry for what you’re going through and my heart goes out to you. Remember the good things about your friend and keep his memory in your heart. You will always have that. Take the time you need for yourself and when you’re ready to come back we’ll be here :)
Aftyn, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your transparency. By reading your message, someone who is struggling might realize the effects of the actions that they're contemplating. And that might be enough for them to seek a different solution.
I can just say this sentence... time is the best medicine aftyn.
Thank you Jun 💕
There are people in the world like Assad dropping nerve gas on kids in Syria so I slightly disagree with 'every person in the world, no matter their beliefs or history, has a strong heart worthy of love' but hope you feel better soon.
Thank you. And I see your point, in general I tend to live in my own little head, but I need to be more aware of the things going in the real world.. there are some really terrible things. I still try to believe that everyone deserves love though, I hope that if everyone believed that than decisions fueled by greed or rage or anything other than love could go away.
So sorry to hear, Aftyn. It's is real tough when death hits close to someone, especially when it is someone that feels their only way out is their own hand. Never try to second guess or blame yourself. Just step back now and breath. Anyone with a bit of empathy will understand and stick with you. Just don't disappear and check in now and then.
Thank you Bruce. I’ve been having such a hard time mustering up any motivation, I feel like I should be celebrating his life and living mine or at least trying to get back to my normal, but all I do is sleep. Everything feels different and I wish I was ready to move forward into this new world without him but I am taking it slow 💕 thank you for sticking around, I’ll try to post a video for you all today
Aftyn, I'm so sorry for your loss. I will definitely be keeping you in my thoughts.
Thank you ALH 💕
Sorry Aftyn. Take your time and grieve. We'll be here when you're ready to come back. You take care of yourself. I'm sending positive vibes your way.
Thank you Colin 💕 the vibes feel nice and warm and cozy
I wish the best for you Aftyn. Yes we all have struggles and things in life that can bring us down but thanks to you I relax and have some sense of direction in life. Positivity is hard to maintain and I wish we could all just be happy. I am really sorry for everything that has been happening. I'm rooting for you Aftyn. Stay strong.
I’m so glad I can help you relax. I’ve felt so helpless this past week so it’s nice to know I’m helpful ❤️ thank uou
Damn, I'm so sorry to hear this. That sucks so much. Take as much time as you need. We'll be here for you when you come back. And don't forget your own advice for yourself. You're not alone either ♥️
Thank you K ❤️ I’m so fortunate to have such a supportive community
I'm so sorry to hear that aftyn... you got such a good heart, but you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. These type of things are hard to get through or even understand and while regrets may linger in your mind just know that you have reached out and helped so many other ppl. Unfortunately the truth is it would be damn near impossible to be there for everyone without stretching ourselves thin. I'm not saying there's nothing you could've done nor are you at fault, the tiniest consolation is that the time we do share with ppl should be acknowledged and appreciated. I'm sure he equally enjoyed your company and debates. We all have demons and sometimes the hardest thing to do is to admit we have fallen and to ask for help up. My condolences to you, his family, and friends.
I am trying not to blame myself, it’s hard not to wonder what could’ve happened but I’ll drive myself crazy if I do it too much. I’m going to try to be more observant to those around me, and help as many people as I can without stretching thin. Thank you for your wisdom 💕
Paragraphs would make this easier to read tbh
Holy fuck that's all you've got to say? We all would've been just fine if you'd have said nothing at all.