Jedi Artisan 001

Summary: 

For a thousand years, the Sith plotted their revenge. Murder, betrayal, and the pursuit of power. Darth Bane's "Rule of Two" was designed to create the ultimate warrior. Culminating in Sheeve Palpatine, this millennia long endeavor was set to herald in the rise of the first Galactic Empire.

That is, of course, until Zane, laziest Jedi Knight, and most casual abuser of the dreaded [Mind Trick] arrived on the scene. A transmigrator who wanted to muddle his way through the Clone Wars, the man who would rather sun bathe with Yoda, or [Mind Trick] Jango Fett to go home and pay child support is the one responsible for saving the galaxy.

Force help us all.

(I aim for this story to be mostly slice of life, comedy, romance, and a dash of action.) 

~~~~~~~~~

When Zane had woken up as a baby in the Jedi Temple years ago, he had been ecstatic, he was going to get his own lightsaber, push blocks around with his mind, learn the coveted Jedi skill ‘double jump’ and become the hero, like Luke Skywalker.

Reality proved that he was, in fact, barely good enough with a lightsaber, and studying Aurebesh (Galactic Basic) was some bullshit. Those characters were straight up hieroglyphics! Fortunately, he was lucky enough to get a wise old Master, and somehow pass his Knight trials at the ripe age of 21. He was hailed as a prodigy, held up on a pedestal similar to Mace Windu…but all he wanted to do was slack! 

Freshly promoted, Zane-after going through 20 years of near constant education-reasonably wanted to sleep, meditate on the Force, and chill out. Saving the galaxy seemed cool, but couldn't he just be a friend to Anakin or maybe make sure extra backup went with Qui-Gon when he confronted Darth Maul? Then, once Palpatine kills Plagueis, send a Jedi Master hit squad at the Senator? 

There, problem solved. 

As someone slightly younger than Qui-Gon, at around the same age as Shaak Ti, he had a good 8 to 15 years before the Phantom Menace began, so he might as well enjoy his free time. Speaking of free time, wasn't THAT a fine pair of lekku?! Hot childhood friends aside, Zane had found the perfect occupation to lie flat whilst he left the heavy lifting to everyone else: 

Jedi Artisan.

On the surface, it was a crafting profession that researched ancient cultures, produced art, preserved artifacts, or sealed items tainted by the Darkside. As someone who sort of sucked with a lightsaber-he could deflect blaster bolts with ease, just don't ask him to duel-Zane was actually pretty good at getting in tune with the Force. The modern Temple may teach that a Jedi Artisan should preserve artifacts, but as someone aware of SWTOR era Jedi, he wanted to MAKE artifacts! Items imbued with the very essence of the Force, they could produce miracles. Like the Healing Chamber in the Temple that could cure illness and mend wounds, there were many wonders that ancient Jedi had produced that seemed to fade away into legend.

It was his goal to help resurrect the dying Order, and bring back what made them great. The saber monkeys who rushed headfirst into danger-like Anakin, Windu, etc-were not representative of a true Jedi! Some may accuse him of simply being lazy, and he would vehemently accept all allegations!

In fact, he had actually made a few baubles!

Although they weren’t very useful in a fight, he had crafted a stone that would make a person happier the more they rubbed it, several sets of absolute noise canceling ear muffs, a ‘salt’ shaker that dispensed a seasoning that the user would find to be most pleasing, a spool of thread that was nearly unending, and a needle that could sew things at super speeds. These five items were meant to make his mundane life easier, and had been dubbed: Happy Stone, Silent Muffs, Season Shaker, Endless Thread, and Quick Needle. Crafting these genuine magical artifacts proved that he was a genuine Jedi Artificer! 

....however, nothing was free, and the Jedi Order, to support his hobby-one with numerous, numerous failures & cost overruns-required him to hold....a day job!

Gasp. 

Currently sitting behind a desk in a spacious room similar in appearance to a laundromat, Zane's eyebrow twitched as the kid in front of him asked question after question.

"Knight Zane, where do the threads in our robes come from?"

"Knight Zane, is it true that ty'lik worms spit out the fibres on Nampor V?"

"Knight Zane...."

Tannish skin, short hair, piercing blue eyes, and Padawan braid still intact, young Obi-Wan-that little shit-was asking an endless barrage of questions. Not far from him, a group of over eager Padawans, fresh from graduating from their youngling status were crowding around Zane's shop for their new robes. 

That's right, someone in the Jedi Order had to weave each and every robe, by hand no less, because it is the traditional Jedi Way! And when Zane had had the bright idea a year ago to so enthusiastically volunteer to oversee the role of Jedi Artisan, the old woman who had run this shop handed him the keys, and never looked back.

'Sucker,' his kyber crystal vibrated playfully.

Zane pinched his nose. His longtime companion had the intelligence, and communication skills of a small child. It was his closest friend, confidant-and since he was an enlightened Space Wizard-it served as a focus, boosting all of his Force-based abilities. As a professional friend, he chose to ignore the kyber crystal's input, and tiredly glanced at the gaggle of over eager Padawans. 

The freshly graduated Padawans were bubbly in their chatter. No longer younglings, and guaranteed not to be members of the Service Corp, they were naturally ecstatic. 

"Knight Zane, can you bring some order to the room? It is rather noisy.” Obi-Wan politely asked, and shifted an annoyed gaze towards his fellow classmates. 

Zane drummed his fingers on the table in front of him, the ghost of a smile spread across his lips. As much as he found young Obi-Wan annoying, he couldn't help but see himself in the boy. At that age, he religiously followed the rules, and always sat up straight with his hands clasped on the desk. The law was absolute, and obedience to one's elders was a given. Things like kids being loud were a nuisance, when all he wanted to do was play games, or read his books. 

‘Ah, to be young~’ He mused, as Obi-Wan's irked displeasure ever so slightly leaked into the Force. 

Feeling slightly mischievous, he leaned down over the desk, and motioned for Obi-Wan to come close, as if he had some great secret to impart. 

Obi-Wan, ever curious to learn, had a look of great solemnity spread across his face. His silent, serious demeanor almost made Zane giggle, although he was quick to reign such emotions in. 

‘This must be what Yoda or Master Oogway feel like when trolling me.’ Zane thought to himself, happy to be continuing the time honored tradition of older people messing with the younger generation. 

“Now listen very closely, Padawan Kenobi.” Zane whispered in a serious tone. “There is actually a secret test to this part of your journey, but only those I-as Keeper of the Cloth-deem worthy can participate. I see that your demeanor is not like the rest of your graduating class.”

Sweat dripped down Obi-Wan's forehead, yet the young teen did not blink. His blue eyes stared at Zane with a level of intensity no child should possess. “I suspected another test, no, multiple tests would be forthcoming. Please, Knight Zane, let me know what I need to do.” 

Zane nodded in approval. Although he had just bullshited the entire sentence-Keeper of the Cloth, what's that?!-that didn't mean he couldn't respect Obi-Wan's resolve. He almost felt bad misleading the kid. Almost. 

Flashing back to a time when Master Yoda had him clean his bathroom as punishment for a prank both Yoda and Oogway had set up still made him mald to this day! 

“Ahem, Knight Zane?” Obi-Wan coughed politely into his hand. 

“My apologies, young Kenobi, the Force spoke to me just now.” Zane smoothly replied, as a faint nudge from a ‘little green goblin’ met his psyche. 

“The Force?!” Obi-Wan's breath quickened. 

“Yes. The Force. What I am about to impart to you is a mission of utmost importance, can I trust you to complete this task? Someone's fate may be drastically altered should you choose to decline.” 

Obi-Wan gulped, and then nodded. “I'll do it. I am a Jedi. I shall not retreat from a challenge.” 

Zane held out a package. It was small, wrapped in plain brown cloth and sealed with a strip of wax that bore an impressively meaningless symbol Zane had invented on the spot.

Obi-Wan took it from his hands, and held onto it like it might spontaneously combust. That should he drop it, an explosion was sure to occur, or some critical device would shatter. 

Zane had leaned against the doorway of the tailoring room, and folded his arms together as he impressed upon the teen how serious this matter was.

“Remeber. This is a test. One administered solely at my discretion. Recall that I am under the direct lineage of the Council of First Knowledge. Do not discuss this with anyone from the other branches. Even our leader, Master Oogway would deny his involvement. Should you be caught, I cannot help you escape punishment.” Zane solemnly intoned. “This event is unscheduled, unofficial, and highly confidential.” 

Obi-Wan took a step back, and gave a proper Jedi salute. 

“I understand, I won’t disappoint you.”

“I know you won’t. Deliver it directly to the Jedi High Council Chambers. No detours. No questions.” Zane nodded gravely, barely maintaining a straight face. 

Obi-Wan hesitated for a second, and halted in place before he left. 

“Am I permitted to ask what it contains?” The teen asked, and patted the small box. 

“If you were permitted to ask, it wouldn’t be much of a test, now would it?” 

Obi-Wan slightly bowed, and then he was off, out of Zane's sight. 

Finally allowing himself to grin, a wide smile spread across his face. He couldn't wait to see the fruits of his labor. 

“Alright now, enough lazing around like a Hutt, let's get you Padawans measured, and fitted.” Zane clapped his hands, quieting down the rowdy children. 

Meanwhile, whilst Zane was busy with his day job, Obi-Wan was scurrying through the Temple corridors like a rat running through a maze. Package tucked securely under his arm, his every sense alert, and every sudden movement at the edge of his vision had him casting furtive glances to the left & right. He moved with exaggerated caution, slipping between columns, and flattening himself against the wall when other Jedi passed. He had read about covert operations in his spare time. He knew how these things were done.

Ducking behind the next pillar, he waited for a pair of auxiliary workers to pass. His heart was pounding as he swore they almost saw him. 

“What are we eating for lunch?” One worker questioned. 

“Probably that Lothal rice, I think. I just can't seem to get the hang of those Epicanthix eating utensils. Grabbing rice is too difficult…” The other worker complained, and his voice faded away as he walked past Obi-Wan's hiding spot. 

After an agonizing minute spent barely regulating his emotions, Obi-Wan's mind raced. 

‘Lothal rice. Epicanthrix. Just what does this mission involve?! Is a high stakes trade deal underway, and my package contains the final piece of evidence that the Council requires?!’ Obi-Wan thought to himself as he imagined what kind of secret meeting was taking place. 

In his mind, it was no coincidence that those two workers had spoken so loudly, so conveniently nearby. Clearly his ability to overhear, and recall critical information was being tested! 

Dashing forward once more, his robe swooshed at his ankles as he moved from pillar to pillar. 

Due to his heightened state of awareness, he noticed a pair of footsteps aligning behind his own. The Force tickled his senses, letting him know that something was off. 

Obi-Wan’s heart picked up speed.

Someone was watching him.

Of course they were. This was a secret trial. He was meant to be observed without knowing when or how. He also had to keep the package safe. Whatever the cost! 

He hunched his shoulders and accelerated, slipping through a side passage and emerging into a wide hall lined with towering pillars. He zigzagged between them, convinced this was precisely what a discreet courier should do.

Two masked Jedi Sentinels who were minding their own business witnessed this strange turn of events, and exchanged a look.

“Is he…sneaking around?” One murmured.

“He appears to believe so.” The other replied.

They tacitly nodded at one another, and followed at a respectful distance, not bothering to hide their presence. 

Obi-Wan sensed them approaching, and his stomach flipped as he thought he was about to be apprehended. 

They were testing his perception! So far, he had made it past a dozen other Sentinels, and now he was close…so close! He couldn't give up here! 

Obi-Wan quickened his pace, he then darted left, then right, nearly colliding with a pair of archivists. He muttered a rushed apology without slowing, clutching the package tighter to his chest. 

Focus, he told himself. The Council must receive it. Immediately. ‘Someones fate may be drastically altered if I don't deliver this package.’

Obi-Wan rounded the final corner, breathless, and burst into the antechamber before the Council Chambers. He skidded to a halt, smoothed his robes with frantic dignity, and raised his hand, only to lower it. Protocol dictated that none were to interrupt the Council whilst they were in session! 

…but this was an emergency! No, a test! Was he being tested on his obedience to the Temple rules, or his morality as a Jedi?! 

Obi-Wan felt a migraine begin to form as the dilemma made his heart ache. To make matters worse, the pair of Sentinels had almost arrived! Once they got their hands on the package, he would have failed the exam! 

Whilst he was unable to come to a decision, the doors slid open.

Inside, the Jedi Council were seated. They looked at him curiously, a handful glanced at the open door, then turned to Yoda. 

“Enter, please, young Kenobi. Finished with serious matters, the Council is.” Yoda beckoned him forth with a kind smile, and wave of his cane. 

Obi-Wan stepped forward, and tried to compose himself. He was nervous and excited, he had done it! 

“Masters.” He said, bowing deeply and presenting the package with both hands. “I have delivered the object as instructed. I was followed, but I believe I maintained sufficient discretion.”

Silence followed this declaration, and several Masters exchanged glances.

One Council member raised an eyebrow.

Another reached out, gently lifted the cloth, and revealed a note. “To Master Windu. Your package has arrived.” 

Mace, who had been casually reclining, held out a hand, levitating the box into his hands. 

“Open it.” Yoda nodded. 

Windu untied the string, and a large pair of white, red polka dot bloomers popped out for all to see. 

The Force rippled.

Obi-Wan froze. The silence within the room was deadly. What Master Windu said next just about sent him to join the Living Force early. 

“Padawan, who did you say gave you this box?” 

Obi-Wan opened his mouth, and then recalled every word he had traded with Knight Zane.

…perhaps this was still part of the test? 

Closing his mouth, he bowed his head in shame. “I apologize, Master Windu, but I am not at liberty to say.”

“Is that so.” Mace steepled his fingers, and said in an intimidating tone. 

“Know who it is, we are aware.” Yoda playfully tapped his cane on a strip of his inner robe where a smiling sunflower had been stitched. 

Windu’s forehead creased. 

“Him. How he passed the trials will forever remain a mystery.” 

“And yet, pass the trials he has.” Yoda declared. 

“Hmph. Zane is a Knight now, a Consular. He'll be perfect for what we discussed.” Windu suggested, and exchanged a knowing look with Yoda. 

“A partner he shall need.” 

“Send Shaak Ti, she's the only one who can keep him out of trouble.” Windu sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose as he recalled some failed diplomatic incident. 

Obi-Wan gulped, not understanding what was going on. 

“Free to go, you are, Padawan. Summon Knight Zane, once fitted and clothed you are.” Yoda gestured for him to leave. 

Bowing once more, Obi-Wan hurried to leave. 

Whatever had happened in there, he was sure of one thing. Zane was right, the package was critical to someone's fate! It had been just the right evidence needed to get him out of the Temple, and out on a mission! 

Returning to the tailor shop, Obi-Wan had stars in his eyes as he fantasized about Zane's foresight. Now that was a Jedi! 

Entering the shop, Obi-Wan saluted in respect. 

Zane, already finished with the last Padawan's robes, glanced at Obi-Wan in curiosity. ‘Shouldn't this kid be hating my guts right about now for tricking him???’ 

“You were right, Knight Zane! About everything!” 

“Huh?”

“After you take my measurements, and craft me a new robe, you've been ordered to report to the Council. You're going on a mission!” 

Zane felt his throat go dry. He'd been a Knight for a few months now, and as an ‘employee’ of the Temple, his only mission was to create, repair, and maintain the robes of his fellow Jedi. He wasn't required to leave unless, unless it was a direct order from his superiors! 

‘Damn that Windu! He knows I like to slack!’ Zane clenched his fists, and raged to himself. 

“They said you're to be partnered with Knight Shaak Ti. Good luck, Knight Zane!” 

“Heh heh, you've done well, Padawan, you've passed the test with flying colors. I look forward to entrusting you with similar tasks in the future.” 

“You can count on me, Master Windu’s flying colors will never be revealed. If you need any other secret codes-flying colors-to be delivered, I'm your man.” Obi-Wan seriously replied. 

“....” Zane chose to ignore that one, and got to work on the brat's robe. 

He then turned his thoughts to his childhood friend. Zane hadn't seen much of her since they both promoted. Over the years, he'd worn down her walls, and was fairly confident he was close to sealing the deal~ 

~~~~~~~~

AN: This is just an unscheduled taste of what's to come in February. I'm thinking: 

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday: 

Week 1: Jedi Insurgency + Jedi Artisan

Week 2: Jedi Insurgency + Uzumaki

Week 3: Jedi Insurgency + DBZ

Week 4: Jedi Insurgency + (you vote?) 

We'll see about week four, as I'll probably need that time to make sure I don't fall behind on all these extra stories!