State of Sterling: Writing, Producing, Life Stuff
Hello, people what is doing a reading of a words!
It’s been a while since I did an update post, and even though I should be making progress in Bayonetta 3 for review purposes, I can only go where the Elvanse takes me! So here we go.
Since we mentioned reviews, I suppose that’s the best place to start. As you’ll have noticed, written reviews are back! The desire to do them came from thinking about what I want/need to prioritise in my career. Also my phone keeps forcing the British spelling of words now I’m in the UK, so I’m gonna stop fighting the word “prioritise.”
Anyway, yes, I wanted to get back into writing for a while, but I’ve struggled in the past few years with major executive dysfunction. Since finding out I have ADHD, I’ve come to understand more why I stopped reviews. Yes, I was burnt out from “discourse” back when I stopped them, but it’s clear to me just how much ADHD was worsening the burnout.
This began to impact my other work too, to the point where I fell into a habit of doing very little in a day because the idea of starting a job felt insurmountable, and then spending that day feeling like a lazy piece of shit. I’d also felt like I had lost the ability to write well, that any “spark” I may have had was gone. In that regard, returning to written reviews has been a big boost to my self esteem - not only do I feel busy again, but looking at my recent output I think my ability has improved from the break, rather than declined.
It’s actually scary how natural it felt coming back and realizing I could always have written like I used to - it was just the fact my brain wouldn’t let me start writing.
Since the NHS stripped me of my ADHD meds, I’ve honestly struggled. I’ve managed to get a (re)diagnosis privately in the UK, and am jumping through some hoops to get back on medication. I’ll be able to, but it’s taking time. I’ve been surviving on spare meds, and it’s very clear to me that they’re a huge part of why I could start writing again. Hopefully I can get a reliable prescription asap. They’ve been crucial in getting my writing back off the ground.
While I know that untreated ADHD is a big part of why my content output slowed to a crawl, I’d still like to apologize for such a sharp decline. I’m aware I used to produce so much more, and I’ve been conscious of that fact.
Understably, the patron numbers dipped as a direct result. Justin looked over the stats and the dip coincided with when content became just The Jimquisiton and Podquisition. The business is still making a privileged amount of money, and I’m aware the fucked economy is also part of it (biggest reasons patrons give for dropping is a change in their finances). Still, it’s always gonna be scary to see Number Go Down when you’re entirely crowdfunded.
Anyway, seeing how much people missed my reviews, and how happy they were for the return, has also been wonderful. The people I know at Metacritic were positively thrilled, having apparently missed me too 😁
Now, some have asked if I’ll still do video reviews. This is a complicated matter.
It’s no secret that the YouTube channel is a dead end. The exact same day I came out as transfem, the pattern of losing 1,000-2,000 per Jimquisition began, and has continued. Given how every new video receives comments along the lines of “oh god, what happened to you dude, why are you dressed as a girl?” I don’t expect this pattern to change.
That’s not to say transphobia is the only reason anyone would unsubscribe, it’s just the primary catalyst for the Gamers(™) fucking off. Additionally I’ve been told I suddenly got “too political” as of 2021, and that my videos focused too much on worker abuse. This year I made a conscious effort to make episodes predominantly about not those things, but it had no impact on subs, so… y’know.
Regardless, even before the sub situation (which must qualify as an historic phenomenon now), I’d made no secret of seeing YT as an increasing waste of time. It’s not like their algorithm is gonna push an ad-free channel, and I can’t even reach my own subscribers thanks to the site’s ineffective notifications. It still makes sense to use the channel for things I already do like JimQ, Squirty Play, etc, but there’s no growing on that platform now. Anything I want to add to my work is best added via other platforms - focusing on written work is one such example.
This year has been a rollercoaster in general. I moved back to the UK to be with my husband and pursue wrestling opportunities I wasn’t getting in Pennsylvania. This massive upheaval has been tough, as has struggling to find a home for eight months afterwards. I’m thankful for y’all’s patience with my trying to maintain the minimum content I was doing while trying to settle enough to do more.
I’ve talked a lot about having a tough time, but 2022 has been kind to me in many other ways.
Aside from being in the most supportive relationship of my life, I finally found a wrestling trainer who actually believed in me. Liam Slater is amazing. I came to the UK with only a chokeslam to my name, and he’s turned me into an accomplished wrestler who is now regularly booked, is over as a hugely popular face (after I thought I’d be a career heel), and does fucking wheel kicks and rolling sentons. With my age and chronic pain, I doubt I'll have a long career, but I will have a fun one.
Next booking is November 4th for True Grit Wrestling in Leeds, and it's gonna be a very bitter fight against the biggest asshole I've ever met, Nathan Black.
I became a wrestling promoter with Phoenix, too, running Spectrum Wrestling and having an amazing debut show which you can watch here. Our next show, Collide O’Scope, is on November 19th in Sheffield and you can book tickets here.
Then, of course, I had the privilege of writing for the biggest indie game of the year, Vampire Survivors. It was already my game of the year, so I was blown away when Poncle reached out about writing lore for them. Getting to do the stage descriptions and bestiary entries for the official release was so much fun, and it was amazing having so much creative freedom. The response has been so overwhelmingly positive too, with the only major protest being from a small group of Status Quo Warriors who were upset that Giovanna is trans. But of course, it's never about gender, right? Anyway, I got to write about how jealous lizard people overthrew a massive dairy and seized the means of lactation. Life can be good sometimes.
Writing for Vampire Survivors had a big hand in reigniting my passion for writing in general. I think I'd love to write for another game, though I don't know if I ever will. If this is the only one I ever do, it is a hell of a game to be able to contribute to.
This went on way longer than I planned it, so I'll leave out other personal updates for another time. In short, reviews good, life can be hard, but there's also a lot of exciting stuff going on.
Thank you as always for your continued support.
Cheers,
Stephanie.
Comments (39)
About youtube: Have you considered leaving Jimquisition ad free, but adding ads to anything else? Think most of us understand it as a necessery evil, might be worth running a poll here if you're open to doing that. Obviously don't expect ad rev from it, I expect your audience is smart enough to be using Brave or ad blockers; I sure am. But maybe the algorithm will give some of your vids a boost.
It's frustrating how much sway youtube holds online as /the/ place to post video content, when so many of its practices do nothing for its creators but make their job harder- sometimes maliciously so. You've always been an inspiration for me in a lot of ways, you work hard and have iron-clad morals in an industry where standards tend to fold like so many wet overbaked sheets of lasagna. No matter how things change in the world of games (and the wider creative industry to which it is connected,) and even as you've undergone an incredible personal journey, as a person you've been remarkably, commendably consistent when it comes to quality reporting and commentary, and it is indeed frustrating that so many are willing to ignore that (dare I say) sterling track record in favor of indulging their basal lizard-brain prejudices. As someone else with ADHD, I also sympathize so much with how overwhelming it is when you aren't able to access treatment; the state where I live is extremely strict with refilling scheduled medications, and I frequently have "gap weeks" between coverage because it takes so long to get a refill authorized. If I had to guess... being able to create so much in spite of your current hardships has a lot to do with how you've been coming into your own as a person in other respects. Being able to be comfortable in our own skin... means the world, don't you think? And it's been amazing to watch your wrestling career take off, too! I don't even go here much, but I respect the hell out of what you're doing- there's a lot of artistry and creativity to it all and I think that's amazing! You're doing everything you can in a hell world that rarely gives us the tools and time to accomplish the things we need to do, let alone what we want. I'll welcome your written reviews, I'll welcome your videos if or when they come, and I'll be here to support whatever you're up to for a long time to come! You're one of the few people who can look back on it all when it comes to games and know that you never compromised yourself for a quick buck or the sake of someone else's narrative, and people recognize that. Keep doing what you're doing -- you get what you put into the world in many respects, and you consistently work to try and make, to the extent you can, things just a little less shite than you found them. You're really respected, despite all the dust in the wind. Keep going -- we've got your back, wherever you go from here on out. Thank you for all the good you do!
I've felt viewer burn-out recently because even if the topic in question isn't specifically geared towards political stuff the vibe of both jimquisition/podquisition trends inevitably (and entirely justifiably) towards bitter leftist outrage. As a bitter leftist I can happily eat that up - but there are limits. Eventually the sheer repetition of being reminded about all the bad shit that keeps happening and not getting fixed does get you down and there's not much to be done about it other than politely disengage or be an asshole who essentially is complaining that the show is doing exactly what its is meant to do and has always done. It's a current affairs show, current affairs suck a lot of the time so why blame the messenger?
Glad to hear life is working out for you. Being nonbinary myself i find you someone i look up to and your happiness makes me happy. It's a shame about the subscriber numbers but i hope the good is outweighing the bad here. Good luck in your future endeavors c:
Reading this was quite touching. I've yet to comment much on your written reviews, but I've read most of them and all of them had that combo of wit and honesty that I love to see from you. Good to know the writing has been so much fun! I was honestly impressed you'd even kept up the Jimquisition every week, what with moving and all. Knowing now that the NHS pulled your meds (what utter cunts!) on top of the move only makes it more impressive. I'm happy to see you back to doing more content, but make no mistake, we were perfectly happy to just settle in for a Jimquisition once a week. We watch it for YOU. You're what makes it special. As for the sub decline and the transphobic comments, it's a shame, but that's just the way it is, unfortunately. At the same time, I often find at least one commenter going, 'Oh hey, I haven't watched for a good while and suddenly Jim's now Steph? Good for them, they look super happy!' And that's all that matters.
Not sure you’ll see this (late to the party), but I became a patron after that video about sub decline. I’m just happy you are happier now and would continue with my tiny contribution even if you stopped producing content this instant.
Thank you so much!
Honestly been watching your work since the escapist. Remember when you said square enix is only allowed to announce 2 games a year? That would have been nice. There’s only two people in games media I give a fuck about anymore. Jason Schreier and The Cassandra of video games. People actually willing to keep saying what needs being said and not giving a fuck about “access”. Your work is important whatsoever form it takes - diversification of what interests you is important. Is everything you do gonna interest everyone? Nah. Does it matter? Also nah if you’re having a good time doing it. And look I’ll be real, the channel could just be a yearly shit on Gilson Pontus channel and it’d still be worth the “price of admission”. Keep on keeping on. Thank God for you.
Bless you, I really appreciate the kind words :-)
”just the Jimquisition..” That is literally the reason I am here - no acceptance of bullshit along with insights and analysis in the Sterling style.
Great to hear you're getting a kick out of writing again, and that life is on the up in the UK. I hope you can get the medication situation sorted out x
If you ever feel like trying out Youtube alternatives, your patrons are the people who would likely follow you over.
Loving the written reviews but still holding out hope for more squirty plays!
I'm a grown-ass 50 year old man who's just realizing how bad ADD has affected my life. It helps to know someone I've followed for years has similar struggles. Thank you and good luck! Something something captialism bad.
I watch/read a ton of your content. I still remember when you started Podquisition and specifically made sure to include an underrepresented voice (In Laura's case, at the time, maybe even completely unrepresented) I deeply appreciate that. I've always said reviews shouldn't be made up of a homogenized voice, because viewers aren't a homogenized group. Keep being you. Your old audience may grow smaller, but the ones you find anew will watch you no matter what direction you take, because what they like about you is your sass, introspection, and truthiness when it comes to what you like and don't like. I've never worried about you rating something well because you might offend a publisher or a reader. That's trust in your journalism and integrity, and it's hard to earn. I think you have it aplenty round these parts. :)
i dont really have any great insights or something, but i am a more recent fan (i actually found you right around the time you came out) and its wonderful to hear you rediscover your passion for writing! meds really can make a night and day difference, i hope you can reliably get urs very soon! very excited for what the future holds, very appreciative for the work you do, and a friend wanted me to tell you they take great pride in seeing what was their deadname (stephanie) taken up with such nonbinary finery :) thank god for you! ♡
I've been following The Jimquisition on YT for quite a few years now, and when you announced your transition my reaction was: "Yeah, that seems about right" :) You seem a lot happier these days compared to previous years, which is really great! While some of commenters think your content is "too dark" or "depressing", I agree that it is nescessary to highlight the massive faults in the industry. (Sidenote: Being Danish, I ABSOLUTELY believe in the power of unions! We have no legal minimum wage here, but thanks to years of union efforts, we more or less do have one - even in non-union jobs. So keep talking them up!!!) Your content has inspired me to no longer blindly purchase games from major studios, and I haven't done so for a couple of years now. I've even taken this inspiration with me to work! I work in a public library and am in charge of buying our digital games for lending. While I do have to buy games from major publishers (I have no say in this part), I am also writing a small parent guide for every new game. In these I don't delve into whether the game is good or not. Instead, I inform parents about the things that they should be aware of in said game - microtransactions, shitty practices etc. Sometimes I also write articles about certain trends in gaming and how the parents can make sure, that they or their children don't fall prey to AAA-corps While my writing is not great journalism or very widespread, the articles have been pretty well recieved by our regulars, and I hope that I have helped at least some people to avoid falling into AAA-traps I'm not writing this to self-fellate, but rather to tell you, that your work has not just been informative, but also inspiring. Thank you! :D
While nowadays I follow only for JQ, I am glad you are steering your life in a way that makes you happy and working on things that you love. 💙
Dunno if they would take you, or what the process is, but I know a number of content creators I frequent have branched out to Nebula and/or Curiosity Stream. Might be worth scoping out if you haven't already given it a go. I make it a point to watch all of your videos, regardless of what it is, because I have always enjoyed your content having followed you since your days at the Escapist, I would follow you on to wherever you end up. I absolutely hate that people are so shit to you, because to me, you have been the same person I fell in love watching back in the comparisons of pasta sauce against the lack of varied video games as everything was just becoming a COD clone and I still get joy opening up Youtube on mondays for my weekly dose of Jimquisition. You just keep being you, and fuck the transphobes. Thank God for you! <3
On the comments of being angrier, I listen back through old Podquisitions (currently listened to #409-84) and I don't think that tracks. I think it's more... you were very irregular and random a few years ago - undiagnosed ADHD does that. And now you have a better understanding of who you are, what you want, where you're going, and have a happier attitude on the whole. So the flareups of being genuinely pissed off are more noticeable where before they were just Steph On Tuesday. I get that the content the last 2 years has been mostly depressing, maybe the suggestions of offering ways people can help would put a dent in that? Overall: I'm happy with the content lately. I'm glad you finally got a house and finally got internet, despite bad business practices. I'm sorry YouTube and 'phobes being a pain, YT's been dicking over a lot of the creators I follow lately. And I'm excited you're writing again! Especially listening back to old Pod questions where you said you used to think of yourself as more a writer than anything else, I think it's a good change and you've hit the ground running. I don't promise to follow everything you do because some stuff doesn't appeal to me personally (Boston's Favorite Son), or I just don't have time to watch it (wrestling, though I love hearing about it/seeing highlights). That said, I will at least check out new stuff to see if I like it. 💛🤍💜🖤
I am very thankful to have found you way back in the Escapist days. I've followed you ever since. I owe you a debt of gratitude for helping me understand the traps laid by mobile and other live service games that ensnare people like me and make it easy for us to dump tons of money on digital goods worth absolutely nothing. The way you talk openly about your own ADHD also got me to look into getting tested myself. It turns out I'm right on the borderline, and I have medication now which has helped me get a little more control over myself. So yeah, thanks for being amazing. Thank God for you. :)
I'm very excited to see written reviews again from you. If forgotten how much I enjoyed them. Also, this benighted country seems a little bit less shit now knowing that you're knocking about somewhere in it. Hope you make it to the South West some time: Bristol is a good place.
As a certified Old Fogey who hates change - FWIW I'm enough of a regular viewer that I get a YouTube notification each week for the Jimquisition which is somehow rare? - it's kinda a bummer to hear everyone talking about what a dead end platform it is, haha. But also I get it. If you want to move I'll probably follow unless it's to something like ticktock haha.
The ADHD stuff makes so much sense, I'm a good writer but it's incredibly difficult to find the motivation to actually do it.
As someone who was just diagnosed with ADD at the youthful age of fucking 41, it's just bonkers how life is like now with functioning seratonin signaling. Knocking on wood that you get a stable prescription soon to treat it. I'm amazed at everything you've accomplished this year and really excited to see what you do next.
Vlog Brother Hank Green talked about the “Sad Gap” and while I think Stephanie should speak out against industry abuse, I’m just sad afterwards. “This is a massive problem, not sure how to help?” Look at Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, which focuses weekly on NUMEROUS abuses, but spotlights changes to the system and mobilizes viewers. Remember the FCC and fast lanes on the internet? Give us a phone number to call, a Congressman to email, something! I’ve been watching since The Escapist and I know me and other loyal fans would fight if they knew where to direct their energy
❤️
Personally, I've actually engaged with your content more since you came out. It feels a lot more like you're being yourself nowadays, which has been refreshing to see in my opinion. You've also helped to educate me or raise awareness to a lot of issues I would otherwise not be aware of, as someone who isn't actively online a whole hell of a lot (no offense to those that are of course, just isn't for me personally). I guess all that's left to say is thank god for you! Keep producing the content you love, whatever that may be :)
Thanks for the update! Glad things are mostly looking up. I'm still loving what you do.
I could certainly be wrong about this, but I personally have never entirely bought the "too political" comments you get, as it oftentimes comes across like something to hide behind so they don't have to out themselves as transphobic. There was certainly a degree of overlap between your coming out and the revelation of the evil within these "AAA" developers/publishers, so I can't make a blanket statement on that matter, but it's felt depressingly like "too political" = "too trans". That said, your videos, whatever they may be, and your particular brand of humor have been a foundational part of the last 5 years for me since stumbling across you in university at the height the Battlefront II loot box debacle, and things like Spin-Off Doctors, Fistshark, and Boston's Favorite Son have been fundamental parts of continuing to get through as my depression began to make itself more known to me during that time. It's also been good seeing the eloquently-written reviews return, especially for games that don't seem to warrant making a video on them. Whatever direction you decide to go, I'm on board (and sounding an awful lot like a toady at the end of this comment)
I will always appreciate your commentary. You talk about important things that not a lot of people want to talk about. I'll definitely be checking out the game reviews. Keep doing what you are passionate about!
So glad to hear you're doing better than you were! And congrats on the husband and wrestling career! You deserve more good stuff in life!
I'm very happy that that the game reviews are back. Though we certainly don't have quite the same taste in games I can almost always tell if I'd enjoy a game by reading your reviews. The information is is presented so that I can tell even if we have different preferences.
I started regularly watching Jimquisition around fall 2019 when I'd just moved to a new city and started a new grad program. As the pandemic forced me into solo isolation I began picking up more of your content. Jimquisition and Podquisition are now eagerly awaited releases each week. When I was alone your work helped me feel less lonely. You helped me radicalize my views of preservation and I still credit so much of my gradschool writing on video game preservation to your influence. When you came out I was so happy for you and only became more happy as it seemed to make YOU happier. And seeing where you are now - in an amazing relationship, medicated and validated, thriving in your wrestling career - I feel nothing but absolute joy for you. It may be a parasocial relationship, but I'm so glad to have had your work during some of my toughest times, and you've got a life long supporter in me, Steff. Thank you so much!
Thank you for the Update. I haven't seen a video of you in a while, just because YT never shows me that there is a new one. I have to dig for it :/ I enjoyed your content a lot over the years and I think it's great that you're back to writing. Have fun and a great time, Christian
It's good to see you with such renewed energy, Stephanie. Too many destructive voices are allways hard. And being self-critical and quality-oriented makes it all the more tough to fight on. I too am going through a fresh uplift recently, from a similar slump of being too hard on the self. Reading the book "The War Of Art", has been a great help in my case. We love your work, and want to see you carry on. Your voice is creating a very welcome habitat, which this world desperately needs. From one trans lady to another, you got my full support. Big hugs, and keep tall and powerful. Much love and hugs. <3
Thank you for the update! So glad that the Wrestling has taken off and that you're back to writing! Also sorry about what a black hole YT is. As everything seems to be getting grimmer and grimmer, shining a light on that will continue to become and even more thankless task. Thank you for doing it anyway. You are incredibly brave!
I mean... honestly? I think part of the problem is that your YT work is way too dark and angry. The fact that it's the same old stories isn't as problematic as the fact that, old or new, the stories always make me feel like enjoying video games makes me a morally bad person. I was literally about to unsub for exactly this reason, but I'm dragging my feet because of inertia. And when I'm not feeling bad about myself, I'm feeling angry. But the kind of crap I see on the news every day, I have plenty to be angry about. I play video games to get AWAY from that crap, not to worry about the state of the world even MORE.
It’s not Jim’s fault that the videogame industry and gamers(tm) are awful nowadays. Unfortunately there is a lot of dark and grimy things to cover.