Episode 1.19.1 available to everyone!
(This is the free version. If you're a patron, get the enhanced version here.)
Hi guys! Here's episode 1.19.1P, "The New Girl".
This was a controversial episode, receiving by far the most negative criticism of any episode of Female Agent. I made some scene edits based on the feedback, but be warned this episode missed the mark for a lot of people.
Please let me know your thoughts – positive or negative – so I can take them into account in future episodes. Hit me up here or on Discord!
🦀 ❤️
Comments (16)
There is a way to fix some of the consistency issues (without to much rewriting i think) and that is to just move the Bohnet scene to the night before "Girls night Out". This will give her some time to come to terms with what happened at the club. To also realizing what she'll do to fit in with the other girls to gain some trust. It would also show a slight or major increase into her realization that sooner rather than later she'll have to become a bargirl in order to keep working at HCC. Personally i don't mind that scene at all but I do think it misses a bit depending on what Kinks a person had given Kate at character creation.
Up to this point, I've only left feedback twice. Both times with suggestions of things I would change. I wanted to start this comment off by simply saying that the game is one of two I consider top tier right now on Patreon. With that out of the way, I feel I have pinpointed the exact slide where some rewriting and edits could be done to solve the consistency problem with the heroine. This slide: ************* "Uhhh...no, I had no idea!" You feel a subtle heat rising up in your cheeks as you talk. Nin disliked that. Nin's eyes narrow and her voice turns testy. "Yes you did," she insists. "Don' worry, you don' have to fuck him, you not bargirl. Juss give him blowjob after training. Okay?" What? No! ************* Leads to this slide: ************* "What? No!" Nin tilts her head, her brows furrowing. "Why not?" Because I don't want to! It's not my job! Why should I? ************* This is the slide where Kate should take a moment to ask herself, "Why not". Allow her to be self-aware here. ************* After everything I've done. Fucking Connor and Kriangsak to get the job, continuing to fuck Connor to keep the job, the groping I've endured. The humiliation. Why does Miss Nin telling to to blow Bonaht bother me so much? It's just a fucking blowjob. But it's not, is it? It's an initiation. Nin is going to make me take him into the VIP room and treat him like a client. Even if she doesn't make me a bargirl today, this is where she decides where I'm worth more to her. The bar, or the brothel. I feel sick to my stomach.... etc. etc. etc. ************* Obviously the writing would have to be redone to fit Crush's style. But I do believe this is the critical slide that is missing the proper shift in Kate's perspective. Solve this and the incongruities disappear.
I like this. My two biggest issues with the last update were the BJ scene and this scene. If Crush can fix at least this one with better dialogue options, it would be a huge improvement.
I get that it's not for everyone (and that should never be your aim, for obvious reasons).. but I thought it was pretty fucking hot. Can't wait to see where it goes next :)
Agree with some of the feedback regarding consistency above. Doesn't stop this episode from being hot af though.
this is also true of the edited version.
Fuck the haters Crush. This was incredibly hot and well written. I get that we all want to rush the story and get to the part where she is a full fledged bargirl but it's so much better to let the story breathe and develop organically.
We’re not hating. We’re just pointing out discrepancies. Without constructive feedback, there’s fewer possibilities for improvement.
Nice
I enjoy the new segment. The gravity of context in the Agent having seen a bar-girl be passed around by 7 men, and being threatened by the deep end of the rabbit hole herself, could be referenced to make the fear of crossing the precipice into prostitution in just a little blowjob come across. Best line in The Wire: when you enter jail, there are only two days where you feel truly alive, the day you enter and the day you leave, occurs to me. You captured this sensation when she first infiltrated the club, and now that the Agent is really starting to really work at the club it felt appropriate to me to evoke those emotions.
I think this is a great way to raise the stakes without making previous scenes seem to inconsistent. Previously, Kate was making decisions to maintain her cover and get intel to take down the bad guys. She's been making decision about Connor, Kriangsak, the drug dealer, etc., under the assumption that if she gathered intel quickly enough they would catch Devilfish and the mission would end. Bargirling was not a possibility to her before. Now that she's been given permission to stick it out for the long term, and Nin is actively grooming her, any decision she makes from here onward is an irrevocable step closer to becoming a bargirl. The issue is that currently, the writing doesn't establish three things. 1. That bargirling has gone from an intangible possibility (something that only happens to someone else, like habitual speeders getting into a horrifying car accident, sure, it happens, but not to *me*), to a tangible destination for which she is currently walking the path. 2. Why bargirling is different for her morally and emotionally than her previous decisions. 3. Why Bonaht represents this transition to her. As a side note, this scene, and all future scenes like it, are now deep enough into the story that there needs to be at minimum two tonally distinct version now. The Kate that is resistant, and the Kate that is willing. While I disagree with the commenters stating that Kate should be okay with blowing Bonaht because she was masturbating to a fantasy worse than that the night before (fantasies are not real), it does create tonal inconsistencies in a narrative. The two things that need to be done to correct this is to be prepared to write two versions of every scene like this in the future, and to make all masturbation scenes completely optional. I know this is getting long now, but if it were me editing this, I would actually make the initial Connor scene possible to end with only groping, no fucking. Then I would make all future Connor scenes possible to refuse sex. I would move the Bonaht blowjob scene up much sooner into the narrative, and replace this Bonaht scene with an unknown "important" client. I also might remove the Kriangsak sex scene until after Kate becomes a bar girl. But I would start putting in required connor sex scenes after the Bonaht blowjob scene. She should have the option to give Kriangsak a blowjob, and her reward should be the ability to overhear mission relevant intel, but it should end there. The problem that Female Agent is suffering from right now is the episodic release method. Crush feels pressure to release the hottest scenes possible with every update, but that always means sex, which also means it's hard to raise the stakes each update without getting ridiculous very quickly, or without creating tonal inconsistencies. I think now is a perfect time to go back and realign those inconsistencies before moving forward, as the product is no longer several "episodes" but rather, a complete package (to extent of the current narrative.) It should be edited to reflect itself as a single cohesive narrative package. It shouldn't take *that* long. It's mostly rearranging scenes and making other scenes optional. I had more to write about how to integrate this with the story thread about infiltrating the brothel and gathering her own videos, but this is stupid long now. So I'm ending it here. Okay, fine, one more edit. "This isn't like sex with Connor, it's not some femme fatale secret agent using her wiles on the boss. This is a female CIA officer, offering her body in return for some tips on mixing cocktails. How can anyone at Langley respect me after that?" This line of internal monologue. First sentence, cool, reflects on her thoughts about the decisions she's making as an agent. The second sentence shouldn't reference herself as an agent again, but as her true self. "This me, Kate, offering my body in return for some tips on mixing cocktails." The third sentence, again, shouldn't reference her role as an agent, but her self worth. "How can I respect myself after that?" Altogether: "This isn't like sex with Connor, it's not some femme fatale secret agent using her wiles on the boss. This me, Kate, offering my body in return for some tips on mixing cocktails. How can I ever respect myself after that?" Re-writing this in progressively deeper layers of self-reflection would help communicate *why* this is so different for her than the actions she took with Connor or Kriangsak.
"This isn't like sex with Connor, it's not some femme fatale secret agent using her wiles on the boss. This is a female CIA officer, offering her body in return for some tips on mixing cocktails. How can anyone at Langley respect me after that?" Part of the problem is that passages like this make pretty much no sense. For one example, if Kate is ok with blowing Kob for drugs -- and doing so much more out of the blue i might add -- to 'fit in' or whatever with the bargirls, how could she not be ok with blowing a club associate to keep her position secure? If she doesn't, if she directly defies the people who it has just been made explicitly clear control her future at the club, the whole mission is imperiled. Her justification for both acts is ultimately the same: the mission. Only in the case of Bonaht, it's much more direct. And yet, this is where she quails and has an internal crisis? It is not logically or thematically consistent. And while this may not be the most clever moment in the operation, IT IS crucial to maintaining the ruse. It's not separate. It's not different. Not to mention that, with the right traits, about 24 hours previously Kate was masturbating to fantasies much worse than this. Fantasy and reality are two different things of course, but then the reality isn't something she hasn't already faced, and potentially enthusiastically so, numerous times. The incongruities continue to pile up.
This revision is exactly what was needed. You are on the right track.
Episode was fine, you just take too long for what's feels like a little.
Did the patron version also receive the small edits?
Yes :-)