Book 2: Chapter 40 - The Opposite of “Love” is Violet’s Disregard

This school fucking sucks.
—Guy Turner, Overheard

“Protect the dying!” Violet shouted. Guy hadn't quite processed what was happening yet. But that last word sent a chill through his blood. He’d been terrified when the hedron attacked. 

Of course, he’d been terrified his entire life. 

But after the first swarm, when a yellow lancer died in front of him… he was so fucking scared when his group was ambushed again. Aubrey and Kiera had been immediately ready to fight. As always. And he’d frozen. He tried to keep up with them. He did. He tried so goddamn hard to stand at their level. But every single time he actually put his neck on the line? It had either been an accident or he’d had no choice. And every single time, someone else had kept him alive.

He knew he was a coward. He hid it well, from everyone but himself. He was so good at acting unbothered. Amused. Like he’d had a good night’s sleep in weeks. Even his roommate didn't know he spent every night fighting directionless adrenaline and relentless memories. But he knew. He was a coward. He was a coward in every way it was possible to embody the word. He couldn't tell Kiera the truth. She still thought he’d volunteered for the lancers to keep her safe. But he wouldn't do that. He was too afraid to fight. He’d been drafted, of course. And he was too scared to admit it to his only real friend.

Even when he was brave, he was a coward. He felt brave when he was safe. He was empathetic. He was kind. He cared. And when the danger was distant or unlikely, he was happy to promise his vague, future bravery. He’d stood up to Samuel because he believed Kiera on a surface level, but not at his core. He didn't truly understand the danger until he was already neck deep in it. And when that happened? It had been Kiera who saved his life. Not the other way around. It had been her confidence that helped him hold it together when he thought they’d killed the town Apothecary. Kiera thought he'd joined the lancers for her. But that was all bluster. He’d fooled her into keeping him safe. Keeping him company. She was coming with him. 

Then there was the train. He’d entered the mist when he’d had a yellow lancer, and there were no hedron nearby. He’d volunteered for a safe act of bravery. And when an actual swarm attacked? He’d done nothing but protect himself. Aubrey thought she'd killed Stephanie with her bravery. But Guy knew. His Taunt would have worked—if he’d used it properly. It would have attracted the hedron and freed Stephanie.

But he’d been too scared.

And Aubrey thought it was her fault. He could tell her the truth, of course. He could save her from unearned guilt over a death his cowardice had allowed. He just had to explain what he’d done. Or rather, what he’d refused to do. And she could trust herself again.

Of course, he was far too afraid to do that.

So Aubrey suffered in guilt.

And Guy didn't sleep.

When the wolves surrounded them, he’d known it was happening again. He couldn't move. His friends were ready, but he couldn't. He’d come to class, and he’d walked into the mist again. He hadn't thought Clay would allow things to get so out of hand. And when they did, he was as useless as ever.

But Kassie… Kassie had saved him. She'd rescued him from his fear. She’d torn through monsters like she was carving a sculpture. 

Then she'd collapsed. It was the potions. Samuel had poisoned the potions. Even though everyone was going to take them. The man wanted so badly to own Kiera that he’d openly poisoned the entire class. And Guy was afraid again. Then that last word left Violet‘s lips. “Dying.” Protect the dying. 

Aubrey, Kiera, and Violet moved all at once. Aubrey charged forward, directly at the massive queen, but not to fight. The banshee bundled the collar of Kassie‘s shirt in both hands and dragged the team leader away from the fight. Kiera threw up a wide illusion, disguising both Zach and Ajia. The kitsune dragged Ajia's paralyzed body, still in the shape of a hedron. She brought the two team members she was protecting together. With zero hesitation. Despite her strange discomfort when Guy mentioned Ajia. And despite the accusations Zach had made.

And Violet… The snake was massive. He could see parts of it slithering by in his peripheral vision, even as its blood-red fangs threatened him from straight ahead. It blended with the surrounding nest, and it made the walls seem to shift. But Violet attacked it straight on. She held a crystal glaive she barely knew how to use, and warded off its unpredictable movements like it was a bull. The snake would snap forward and nearly meet the crystal blade. It would shift to the side, and Violet would track it.

Guy could see his new friend sweating. He saw her eyes dilating in fear or focus, or some combination of the two. But still, she faced off with it.

Guy needed to do his part. 

But he was so fucking scared.

Dustin was unprotected. And Guy didn't want to be useless again. But… he just couldn't convince himself to help Violet. His eyes locked onto the fight in front of him. Violet seemed to move like a serpent herself, taking backward steps in a slithering pattern. The fight hadn’t started yet. Not really. Kiera was hiding two students, and Aubrey was guarding one. And Violet was engaged in some sort of mutual evaluation with the massive monster. Both the scout and the snake were smooth in their motions, and both made noncommittal and exploratory attacks. A swift jab of Violet’s glaive. A snap of the snake’s jaws. It was a dance of brief assaults and rapid retreats. 

In a way, it was relieving. Mr. Clay would be there any minute. Guy was certain of that. If he hadn’t been watching, the team never would have entered the nest. The longer Violet stalled the monster, the better. But at the same time… it was terrifying.

It was like the climb up a roller coaster, or the moment when a gun was drawn. The anticipation of danger was often worse than the rush of surviving it. It was impressive that Violet was managing it at all, if Guy was being honest. She was almost certainly a lower degree, yet with confidence alone, she was keeping the monster careful. Guy would already be dead, in her shoes.

Violet glanced briefly at Kiera, and nodded when she saw Zach and Ajia safe. The snake didn’t lunge, but its eyes narrowed. Guy couldn’t tear his attention from the glittering crystal on its skin like scales. There were flecks of blood on each, like it didn’t agree with the natural movements of a serpent and regularly cut the hedron. 

Violet watched the snake carefully for a few more moments. There was another exchange. The snake clipped forward only to be met by a slight shift of the glaive. Then, Violet looked toward Aubrey. Again, she nodded in relief as she saw Kassie safe. And again, the snake barely moved during the brief shift in focus. Guy’s heart started to pound like hail against his gut. He was missing something. Something obvious. And he was terrified of the consequences. He needed to put the pieces together, or this could be another Stephanie. Another moment when someone died because he was too frightened to wade through muddied thoughts.

Violet and the queen continued to flow through the open area. Then, Violet glanced back toward him—and slaughtered him with the emotions that flashed across her face. It was only a moment. A glimpse. That was all Violet could afford. But it crushed Guy with a lifetime of shame.

She hadn’t looked hopeful when she met his eyes. Hope would have implied uncertainty, and Violet had none of that. She’d cried out when the queen arrived. She’d given an order. Protect the dying. Or, Kassie’s team. And the word had sent Guy spinning. He couldn’t believe the kind and valiant older students could be dying. So he failed to process the command behind the word.

Violet had checked on Kiera and seen what she’d expected. She’d spared a breath to glance toward Aubrey—and again found the exact sight she knew she would. And when she looked at Guy, she wore the same expression. Expectation like an immovable wall of stone. She’d known. She’d known for a fact that when she looked back, Guy would be protecting Dustin. That was the missing piece, Guy finally realized. What he was supposed to be doing. Protecting the last defenseless member of Kassie’s team. But he didn’t even know where Dustin was.

When Violet saw this, the blue of her eyes turned to gray. It wasn’t disappointment that poured from her. That would have haunted Guy all on its own. It wasn’t even surprise, although the expression had flashed across her face for a breath. That, too, would add to his scars.

It was far simpler and more calculating, however. It was a reevaluation. An understanding Violet had reached in an instant. One that no one he’d ever known had managed to discern. Violet had believed in the undeniable reality that Guy was as brave as Kiera and Aubrey. And one glance had shattered that. Worse than that, she didn’t even seem hurt by the fact. She simply reacted. She adjusted reality as she saw it, and accepted that she should never rely on him again.

He realized in a moment that it would have been better to risk death. Death, pain, and whatever else this hell had to offer. It would have been fucking better. He was no less afraid of all of it than he’d been before. But that was a fear he’d expected. One he understood. He hadn’t known to be frightened of that look before Violet had donned it. 

And now that he knew, he could never go back.

He thought he might see Violet’s face every night for the rest of his life. And he’d never sleep again.

But it wasn't so simple as his failure. Or even the way he’d ruined himself in Violet's mind. It was the extra second he’d kept her eyes away from the queen. The fight started in earnest as it lunged at Violet. All while she was distracted, still smothering Guy with her disregard. He was freed from Violet’s vanished expectations in a moment of violence and blood. The snake’s fangs found Violet’s shoulder, tearing through the thick fabric of her field uniform and opening her skin. It pulled his team leader off her feet in the blink of an eye as its head thrashed to the side.

Finally, his thoughts caught up to the situation at hand. He’d deserved that look. And Violet might die because of it.

His only hope was that Mr. Clay was almost there. It couldn't be more than half a minute at most. And then he saw Dustin in the corner of his eye. The snake hadn't noticed yet, but it would soon. 

He could still help.

It was late. He’d already made a girl bleed with his hesitation. And if he was going to give Violet a chance, he had to let her focus everything on the fight. That meant doing what he’d been fucking told. 

Dustin was crumpled over, not completely still but obviously unable to move. He had only a desperate tremble and the foam around his mouth to indicate he was conscious. His eyes were moving rapidly, as if in a dream. Except they consistently landed on Guy whenever they were still. They were pleading where Violet’s had been hollow.

Guy took one last look at the queen. It had Violet pinned against the railing of the second floor, but the scout was still fighting. She had her left hand on one fang and was using all the strength she had to stop it from closing its mouth any further. She had a chance. If Clay got there soon, she had a chance. Guy dove for Dustin, covering the smaller student's body entirely with his own.

He was too afraid to move the shivering boy, and he had no idea how to hide him. He had only one option left. 

“Hey, man. Sorry! I didn't know this seat was taken!” he joked. Dustin didn't reply. It didn't matter. The humor wasn't to make the kid laugh. It was one of Guy’s many armors. Irreverence as a shield from sincerity. Because when he was sincere… he was so obviously cowardly. When he was joking? Well, then he could be brave. Crystal chitin grew on his skin, hardening him into a shield for the Muse he was hiding.

It likely wouldn't stand up to much. The queen was so much stronger than he was. But it would take a few hits before it cracked. And it was red. He didn't know anything about snakes or their eyesight, but he would look exactly like the red floor of the nest. And he would be as cool as a stone. 

Especially if he pushed his Gargoyle talent further than he was supposed to. That was dangerous. It could get him killed. But he’d protect Dustin. And he’d be harder to harm. If he was lucky, maybe Violet would trick herself into believing he was useful again. He only had to push a little further. A few centimeters deeper into his skin. Not all the way to his core. Not further than he could reverse. Just a little more than usual. It would hurt. It would leave new scars. And he’d be confronted with the horrible reality of consciousness without the ability to move. At least, if he pushed the talent too far. But he’d do it. He’d be brave again.

The crystal crawled up his body and crept across his face. He felt that burning at the corners of his eyes. The feeling of tears trying to form. He let crystal grow there, preventing any water from escaping. And he forced himself to laugh. He wouldn’t have the ability for much longer. Once his lips turned to crystal. But he made use of the time he had. 

“God, this is embarrassing. I usually try not to get so hard the first time I cuddle someone. But what can I say? There's something inspiring about you,” he joked.

And then, his lips turned to crystal, and he was trapped as a conscious shield for a paralyzed boy. 

It was alright. It wouldn’t be long. Mr. Clay would be there soon.

Right?