Book 2: Chapter 33 - Perception is Reality

I don’t have to forget what you did, just because I forgive you for it.
I can still fear what you might do.

I don’t have to trust you, just because I forgive you.

I didn’t want to admit that.

I wanted to believe that we’d crossed some kind of line in the sand,
and because I understood you,
I had to treat you like you’d never hurt me and so many other people.

Because if I can’t both forgive and forget,
how can I ever expect my sister to do both for me?
—Mars, “Aethon’s Grace”

Kiera had been remarkably calm when telling Violet that story. It was like the fox was barely interested, if she was bothered about it at all. After the rapid change in demeanor when Kiera reached the top of the tower, one thing was clear. There was something more than strange about Violet‘s roommate. And the reaper was eager to discover what that was.

She ran her left hand through her sidetail as she walked back to the dorms. It was finally behaving again. She'd noticed as much in the blue reflection of the bell tower walls, but only on her way out. After her conversation with Kiera. That alone would have brightened her mood, if the fox’s story hadn't already. 

Violet had entirely too much hair to let it look disheveled. She’d look like some sort of deranged B movie monster if she let it do whatever it wanted for too long. That would have been a stupid reason for people to start suspecting her. An annoyingly realistic one, too, in her experience. Her mother had often said, “Perception is reality." A nonsensical and obviously untrue turn of phrase. But an accurate representation of the human mind. 

Two women could wear the same clothes. But with different bodies, one would be called modest and the other loose. Two men could commit the same evil. But tattoos and the wrong jewelry would make only one of the two "dangerous." Meanwhile, a suit and an expensive watch would make an honest mistake out of a heinous crime for the other. A smile and a cute hairstyle made Violet innocent and childlike. A sick wife and daughter made a mild-mannered self-sacrificial man from a murderer. 

Perception was reality to the mind of the beholder. Mankind was an arrogant species. Violet had learned to use this, but it had always been a greater obstacle than it was a boon. For a few days, she’d lost control of that reality. Too many people had started to perceive more of her than what she presented. But it was only for a few days. 

She hadn't exactly fixed the main issues in her life, of course. Cyan Asher still knew what she was. Abel Bouvier was still blackmailing her. Samuel Mulberry was still trying to steal her best friend from her. And all of them were too powerful to kill, for the time being. She hadn’t regained control of reality. But she’d heard Kiera’s story, and it had reminded her. How easy it was to lose control if she let herself spiral. It was why Samuel had shifted his demeanor so quickly. Why he was always calm and quiet. And why he was willing to kill his daughter the moment he thought he’d lost control of the city’s perception of his family. Like flipping a switch.

It was the same mistake that had delivered Violet into Cyan’s influence. For people like Violet and Samuel, loss of respect wasn't an option. A ruined reputation was an ended life. And when the dominoes started to topple, they were prone to panic and act rashly. Violet had done exactly that. She wasn't entirely certain why Kiera’s arrest had triggered that response in her. Not at first. But she understood after hearing the full story. Samuel had understood as well.

People had a lot of theories about callings.

About how they were related to their owners. Some thought they were arbitrary. Stupid, even. But these people likely lacked a single inquisitive thought in their brains. Kiera was proof of that. Because Kiera controlled illusions. With enough power, Kiera would control the world’s perception. Which meant she would define reality. Samuel had lashed out when Guy tried to take that power from him. He’d considered killing Kiera when she tried to define the wrong reality. And Violet? 

Well. 

Violet had taken the fox for herself. It made perfect sense that she’d grow violent when someone tried to take that from her. Kiera was, potentially, control itself. If perception was reality, then Kiera was a fledgling god. And she belonged to Violet. Not Samuel.

But she understood that, finally. Which made her feel better. She’d kill Cyan Asher. She didn’t know how, but she would. She’d kill Abel Bouvier. She knew exactly how she’d do that, and had already taken the first steps to accomplish it. And she might not kill Samuel Mulberry. But she knew exactly how to permanently handle him. And that, at least, she could do in less than a week. 

Samuel Mulberry would regret hurting Kiera.

Violet paused as she walked through the too-green halls of the dorms. The usual ambient noise of conversation and anxiety surrounded her. That last thought hadn’t been quite right. 

Samuel Mulberry would regret taking what belonged to Violet.

That fit more comfortably. She closed her eyes and let the crystal halls melt into blackness for a moment. That felt right.

She was ready to make her first move against Samuel. But first, she had to do a little damage control. She turned a corner and found the dorm she was looking for. She glanced down at her uniform. She mostly didn't care about it, but it was inconvenient for moments like this. She took a moment and untucked the shirt. She tied it up behind her back, exposing her belly and, more importantly, her lightning scars. She sniffed, then put her hand on her head and cracked her neck. Finally, she bit her tongue. Not as hard as she could, but enough to leave her mouth stinging and her jaw unsteady.

Finally ready, she knocked on the door. It didn't take long for AJ to answer. 

“Ah. The infamous Violet,” he intoned. “What can I do for you?”

Violet grimaced a bit and put one hand on the back of her neck. “Yeah, I guess I’ve earned a little infamy, huh? I get that. That’s why I’m here, actually. I wanted to apologize to Aubrey, if she’s around.” She was irritated that her loss of control had been reported to AJ. Not surprised, of course. But definitely annoyed. She’d need to discourage Aubrey from sharing private conversations in the future.

AJ glanced over his shoulder at that. “I knew you were having a lover’s quarrel! She all but confirmed it!” he shouted. Violet heard an embarrassed groan, but AJ spoke again before Aubrey could actually respond. “She says she wants to apologize, you wanna let her in?”

It was quiet for a moment. Violet used the moment to reevaluate. Based on what AJ had said, Aubrey had been upset, but hadn’t shared any details of the argument. That was a good sign. Whatever response Aubrey gave must have been nonverbal, because Violet heard nothing. Even so, AJ turned back and shrugged. “Guess she wants to see you after all. Lucky girl. I’ll go ahead and make myself scarce, then,” he finally said. He stepped to the side to invite Violet in. Violet awkwardly stepped past him and offered a thankful nod. He grabbed the skirt of his uniform and curtsied in return. “I’ll go grab some dinner. Just don’t have make-up sex on my side of the room, yeah?”

“Oh my God, AJ, just shut the fuck up!” Aubrey shouted from inside. 

“Got it,” Violet agreed with a wink. “We’ll move your bed to Aubrey’s side of the room before desecrating it.”

AJ paused in surprise for a moment, then shook his head. “Had me for a second. You’re less fun than Aubrey. Seriously, though. I’ll leave you two to talk. Just tell Aubrey to find me in the cafeteria when the room is free,” he replied.

“I will,” Violet agreed. And with that, the third wheel departed. Violet stood in the entryway for a few awkward seconds, observing the now messy room. Aubrey was sitting on the floor with her back against her own bed. Violet was pretty sure this dorm had been clean the last time she was here. She wondered if that was because Aubrey was upset, or if the girl was just generally messy and had only just moved in.

“I wish you wouldn’t encourage him like that,” Aubrey groaned. “He’s going to get the wrong idea, and I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“Maybe I have the wrong idea, too,” Violet teased. She wasn’t particularly interested in the banshee in the implied way, but it would be interesting to learn if Aubrey felt differently. AJ could’ve been talking out of his ass, but he could also have been responding to something else. Violet wasn’t interested in romance at the moment, and she certainly didn’t need another chain around her neck like Alex. But she could use a crush, if one existed. People were more forgiving the more they liked someone. And forgiveness was the most useful gag Violet had ever used on anyone. She wanted Aubrey quiet. To not mention her loss of temper to anyone. That would permanently color their perception of her in a way she was less than fond of. But if she could get those three words out of Aubrey…

“I forgive you.” 

Once someone had said those three words, well. They could be silenced more effectively than any law or threat could ever achieve. People were quiet for a while when they were afraid to speak. They were quiet forever when they felt ashamed of speaking. And once someone had promised to forgive Violet, it was all too easy to invoke that shame. Who would mention past transgressions they’d already forgiven? That would make them a liar. It would mean they were holding it against Violet. It would be shameful. If Violet could get those three words out of Aubrey with some empty flirting, she would.

But Aubrey only groaned again. There wasn’t even a hint of a blush or embarrassment on her face. Only self-loathing. Violet sighed. If Aubrey had a crush, it either wasn’t on the reaper, or it wasn’t significant enough to be useful yet. Violet decided to shelve that particular point of leverage until it became relevant again. At least the girl in front of her hadn’t spread any unnecessary rumors about an understandable moment of anger. That was the point, in any case.

“You don’t,” Aubrey said. “You think of me as the killer I am.”

Violet was quiet for several seconds, then she crossed the room and sat down on Aubrey’s left. “No. I really, really don’t. I just… lost control. You didn’t do anything wrong. Neither did Kiera. Only I did. That’s why I’m here. I blew up on you, and it wasn’t your fault. I basically clawed your throat out. I can’t fully explain why, and I’m sorry about that. But Kiera… she’s really important to me. And she’s opened up to me about some very personal things. Before she was arrested. I relate to her, you know? And I can promise you. She’s no more a killer than I am. And yes. No more than you are, either. I promise,” Violet explained. 

Aubrey shook her head. “I believe you about Kiera. I do. I’ve known her for years, and I knew her dad. Everyone loved him, but… I know how easy it is to look like a decent person while you’re abusing the people around you. I’ve seen it. I should have considered the possibility for Kiera as well, I just… I was scared,” she replied. She took a breath, then looked down at Violet’s scars. “But you do think of me as a killer. That part was a lie. Because you’re right. I am. It was an accident, yeah. I was trying to help, that’s true. But intentions don’t always matter. It doesn’t matter if the school is protecting me from consequences because they want a new lancer so badly. It doesn’t matter that it was a mistake. I’m a killer.”

“But Aubrey—” Violet started, until the banshee held up a hand to stop her.

“No. You were right to yell at me. I just… I didn’t realize you saw me the same way I see myself. And that hurt to realize. You don’t have anything to apologize for. You can’t spill a glass of water and leave a puddle of milk. You may not have meant to admit it. But no one says anything they don’t believe in the heat of the moment. Only things they don’t want to say out loud,” Aubrey insisted.

Violet closed her mouth, then looked up at the ceiling. It was a different shade of green, stucco clear behind it, but coated with the familiar crystal. She thought about what to say for nearly a full minute, then put her hand on her head and brushed some hair behind her ear.

“Yeah. Yeah, alright. I guess I should just say this,” she finally replied. Aubrey tensed, but Violet shook her head. “You’re probably right. People don’t accidentally say anything they don’t actually believe. Especially not something they know will hurt someone they are growing to care about. But the thing is… I’m a very selfish person. Or, I can be. And I have a nasty temper, when I let it out. The truth is, you made me angry, Aubrey. I care about Kiera, and I couldn’t tell you why I believed she was innocent. You were talking about her in a way that really pissed me off. And, well, I am a selfish person. So I didn’t accidentally say something I didn’t believe. I intentionally said something to hurt you as much as I was hurting, if not worse.

“That’s why I’m here. Because I hurt you on purpose, and you have been feeling it for days, and I want you to know I’m sorry. You’re not a killer, and I don’t think you are. I’m just a… well. I don’t really like this language, but I’m a bit of a bitch. Please. Forgive me?”

Aubrey bit her lip as she looked up at Violet. Then, she looked down at the scars again. She watched the uncomfortable quivering of Violet’s chin. And she let out a breath. “Fuck,” she whispered. She closed her eyes and rested her head against her mattress. “Thanks. Thanks for telling me.”

She didn’t say anything more, and Violet let her shoulders slump a bit. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess that’s fair. Thanks for listening, in any case. I hope it helped, if nothing else.” She climbed to her feet, and started to walk toward the door. 

“I’m sorry, too,” Aubrey whispered as Violet walked. “And… yeah. I forgive you.”

Hey all!

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