Book 2: Chapter 22 - False Confidence

There is no feeling quite like aimless anger.
The way it moves your blood, through your body, like a worried mother.
It was urgent and directionless. And that only infuriated me more.

I was so tired of parents who hated their children.

Of fathers who offered nothing but apathy.

Of mothers who demanded worship and offered their love proportionately.

The idea that this man could treat his daughter as an annoyance.
A fly, buzzing around his ears.

Until he was looking for comfort. Until he was looking for praise.

Then she was worth his time.
—Mars, “Cycles of Entropy”

Guy and Kiera sat at the bar in a makeshift diner, each with their own meal and an empty seat between them. They hadn’t come together. It was simply the only diner in town, and both students had skipped class. Most of Kiera’s meal was gone. While Guy ate, she stared at her dirtied plate and processed.

The diner was on the edge of town, and she could see the curved wall of mauve mist if she looked out the window. Guy and the man who ran the diner were the only people around, and the latter was in the kitchen. She didn’t know Guy that well. She’d met him plenty of times, of course. But he was just one of twenty-ish students in class. He was also a bit of an idiot.

She wasn’t sure why he felt like a safe person to talk to. But he did. So she decided to share what was on her mind.

“I think I’ll probably be murdered if I stay in this city for very long,” Kiera said.

Guy was halfway through a glass of orange juice, and choked at the casual declaration. He coughed several times, then examined his ruined shirt. 

“No, that’s on me. I shouldn’t have worn white,” he replied. 

“It does wash you out a bit,” Kiera agreed. She glanced down at the already staining shirt. “It’s better now, though.”

“Thanks. I appreciate that. So, uh. Nice to see you, Kiera. You haven’t been around much lately. I’m Guy, if you forgot. The Guy who sits second from the front in homeroom. You know the one,” Guy replied.

“You’re pretty hard to forget,” Kiera answered.

“Just checking, since you haven’t been to class in so long. I heard you were sick. I wasn’t gonna say shit when I saw you here, ‘cause... you know. That’s your business. You didn’t seem to want to talk. But alright. Murdered. What's the deal with that?” Guy asked.

Kiera sighed and scraped her fork across her plate, drawing a frown with egg yolk.

“It’s nothing, really,” she answered. “I just think my dad is going to slowly poison and isolate me until I’m either dead or wish I were.”

Guy put his fork down and turned on his stool to face her more directly. His voice was lower when he replied. Or at least, it lacked the jocose energy that made it sound higher than it was.

“Are you safe now?” he asked. “Do you need somewhere to stay?”

Kiera was a little surprised. She’d been in a few classes with Guy over the years. He was, if she was honest, a clown. About as unserious as a man could be. The most notable thing about him was the dark scars running all across his arms. But those were more than likely related to his Tank calling. The sincerity in his immediate concern, no questions asked… it took her off guard.

She could immediately see why he felt safe. Still, she shook her head. “Dad is green. One of the highest categories in town. If I disappear for too long, he’ll find me for sure. Then, he’ll just accelerate the process. You know, to stop me from trying it again. Thanks, though. It’s really sweet of you to offer,” she replied. 

“Are you comfortable telling me what's going on?” he asked.

She paused, then nodded. “I uh… yeah, actually. I am,” she answered. 

Guy leaned forward and locked his eyes onto hers. “Would you prefer we go somewhere more private first, or do you feel safer here in public?” he asked.

Kiera looked around. The man in the kitchen was a red, she thought. He probably couldn’t hear them when they spoke. But even so, she didn’t want to risk anyone listening in on this story.

“Did you have a place in mind?” she asked.

Guy nodded, then signed the bill next to his plate. “You know the old water tower?” he asked.

“Uh, yeah? It’s where we keep our water,” Kiera replied with a smirk.

“It’s also private and public at the same time. We’ll be able to spot anyone close enough to listen, even if they are green or yellow. If we speak quietly enough, anyway. Does that work for you?” he asked.

That wasn’t a terrible plan, considering who she was talking to. There was the small issue regarding her fear of heights, but she had the usual trick to lean on. 

The secondary effect of Illusion, the first talent she’d ever gotten. Externally, it would fool the eyes, the ears, and every other sense. She could even make gross food good with her illusions, if her target had a low enough resistance. But internally… it was phenomenal for self-deception. She could cover any memory with an illusion. And she could replace any emotion with another, if she needed to.

It was a dangerous way to use her talent. It was how she’d failed to see what her father was doing for so long. But it also helped her keep herself together. 

She followed Guy out of the restaurant and walked quietly by his side for several moments. She couldn’t believe she was about to tell this story. She hadn’t planned to when she went for breakfast. She’d just wanted some fresh air while she could still get it. 

But Guy had been there, and he’d been safe. So she walked in silence for ten minutes or so, until they reached the water tower in question.

“You can head up first; I’ll follow,” he offered.

Kiera lifted an eyebrow, then looked at the tall ladder she was about to climb. Her stomach lurched. She activated her talent and pointed it inward. The relief was immediate. A moment before, she’d been terrified. But as she spent her clarity on Illusion, that all went away. She offered an illusion of fearlessness to herself, and she believed it.

She smirked the moment she felt her confidence coming back. “Yeah, alright. But you better not stare at my ass while we’re climbing,” she joked. She expected Guy to say something impossibly stupid in response, as was his way. Some joke about her tail, maybe. She had it hidden with her talent, but he knew it was there. 

“You can trust me,” he replied instead. That took some of the humor out of her smirk, but she shrugged and started climbing the ladder. As usual, her talent worked flawlessly. She looked down as she climbed, and none of that familiar terror flooded her. Even as the earth retreated. The likely death or terrible pain a fall would bring failed to intrude on her thoughts. She was absolutely fine. It was an illusion, but she was fine. And Guy was not, in fact, staring at her ass.

She made it to the top and sat on the platform with her legs over the side. Her tail wrapped itself around the railing. Her internal illusions couldn’t entirely control her subconscious response. But her tail was invisible, and all Guy saw was the confidant fox girl who hadn’t been to class in a while. 

He sat down next to her and looked out at the town. He didn’t say anything. He simply draped his legs over the side and waited for her to speak. 

“Do you remember my mom?” she asked. 

Guy was quiet for a moment, but he nodded. “Everyone does, I think. At least in this part of town. I’m sorry. It would be hard not to,” he answered.

Kiera shrugged. “No, I get it. The wife of the only calling in town with healing abilities. But more sick than anyone. We got a lot of support from the town. My whole life. I used to look forward to certain dinners from the meal train everyone organized for us. Mom and I used to save our favorite movies for Mrs. Anderson’s sweet potato casserole. And we would try new shows from the latest archive update along with your dad’s chicken and apple pizza. Everyone knew us. Everyone supported us. And we counted on all of you,” she answered.

“Your dad doesn’t charge for his talents or his expertise. We’re lucky to have your whole family here. Everyone was happy to help,” Guy answered. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry it wasn’t enough, in the end. A lot of people were devastated when… well. When you stopped needing Dad’s pizza so often. Dad and I really thought your mom was gonna pull through.”

“She wasn’t really sick,” Kiera said.

Guy held his breath. The words stuck in the humid air like ice on glass. Kiera saw Guy’s hands grip the rail in front of them just a little tighter before he spoke. “What happened?” he asked.

Kiera sniffed. She fed more clarity to her talent. Her beating heart started to calm as she prepared to finally tell someone the truth.

“I didn’t know, either. Not until it was too late. I should have. But… I didn’t want to believe it. I loved my parents. When my dad asked me to use my talent to hide some of Mom’s symptoms, I believed it was so we wouldn’t scare people. I didn’t think about which things I was hiding. I just… I believed him. And I did it. I kept doing it. Whenever I was asked. Most people in town have low enough perception that I can fool them. If anyone else was around, we’d say she was too sick to come out.

“It worked for a long time. Everyone could see how sick she was. But no one could tell why. It made sense that Dad couldn’t heal her. He isn’t like those lancer healers we read about. His Apothecary calling doesn’t let him heal people directly. He can only synthesize medicines. To do that, he has to know what he is curing. And of course, no one could figure out what was killing my mom, so. How could he cure her?” Kiera explained. It was draining more clarity than usual to maintain the illusion of confidence. Happiness. A lack of overwhelming dread and shame. But it was still working.

“He was poisoning her,” Guy said. It wasn’t a question. Kiera had made it clear enough, if she didn’t say it outright. 

She nodded. “I don’t know why. If he wanted money, he could have simply charged for his cures. If he wanted admiration and support instead, giving them away for free would work just as well. Did he want pity? Sympathy? I’m not sure. But I… I know it was him. He killed her, Guy. He murdered my mom,” she answered.

She didn’t tell him the rest. The way she’d nearly figured it out when her mom was alive. Or how she’d used her talent to convince herself it wasn’t true. She’d loved her parents. She’d admired her dad. So whenever she started to connect the dots, she clouded her own mind with illusions. She made the truth slippery and harder to notice. For years, she spent clarity ensuring she wouldn’t even consider the truth. She never knew for sure. And when she thought about it, she hid all the evidence behind little white lies in her mind. And she lived confident in the unassailable character of her father.

“How did you figure it out?” Guy asked.

Kiera sighed. Her illusions would let her sit on a ledge. But they wouldn’t let her walk off of one. That was the truth she couldn’t say. But she could explain the rest. 

“About a year ago, we got a letter from the office of the president in Prism City. I have an Anomalous calling, and I was going to be drafted for the lancers. I didn’t mind, actually. It’s dangerous. But I’ve always wanted to know, you know? What the mist is like? How people reach cyan, or even violet in the bigger cities like Prism. It sounded like an adventure,” she answered.

She could also suppress her fear, which would make it far less foreboding.

“Yeah, actually. I’ve been planning to join myself,” Guy answered. That surprised Kiera, given how carefree the boy was. But then again, he was on that water tower with her. Maybe he cared more than he let on. 

“Well. I was younger than most kids who get drafted. I guess that sometimes happens, with callings like mine. Still. I was okay with it. But Dad… well. As you know, I am still here. But I haven’t been in school.” She paused, and her hands started tremble a bit as she worked the next words through her throat. 

“Because I started getting sick.”

Guy took a sharp breath at the last sentence.

“Well, fuck,” he said. 

Kiera let out a hot breath, then nodded. “You see what I mean?” she replied.

Guy sighed. 

“Well, then. Let’s get you the absolute fuck out of here, yeah?”