Book 2: Chapter 19 - Why Is Everyone So Mean to Violet?

Violet displayed signs of suppressed anger
and self doubt.

She may, herself, believe the claims which upset her.

She displays a hostile response to the name of the deceased.
Either due to a feeling of abandonment or
unresolved conflicts in the pairing.

In either case,
Violet is resistant when confronted about
residual anger and projection.

In future sessions, probe for possible shame
related to the relationship.

Client has exhibited an increased anxiety level.
Recent loss may be straining relationships.
Keep an eye out for attempts to heal client’s bruised ego.
—Caleb Shepard, Violet Asher’s DAP Notes

“What’s on your mind, Miss Asher?” Shepard asked. Violet sniffled, looked up at him, then looked away in embarrassment.

“It’s nothing,” she replied. “You don’t need to worry about it.”

Shepard tilted his head. “Everything that matters to you is something, Miss Asher. You don’t have to talk about anything you aren’t comfortable with. But no matter what it is, it does matter. To you, and to me. I will be happy to talk about it, if you need to get it off your chest. And I will be happy to talk about anything else, as always. This is your time, after all.”

Violet took a deep breath. She hadn’t opened up to him with anything personal at all so far. This was her third session, and she’d let the clock run out with small talk for both. She could tell, at the last one, that Shepard wanted to talk about her approval for field training. He’d been overruled by Headmaster Bouvier, after all. A man she knew he hated. He also wanted to follow up on whatever she’d come to speak to him about before. Her refusal to address both had irritated him, and Violet could tell. It was subtle, and he’d maintained professionalism and understanding. But it was no mystery that he wanted the conversation to go in a certain direction.

She decided to reward him today, and actually address the topic he was asking about.

“Do you meet with a student named Chase Cook?” she asked. She was remarkably calm as she did. As if the question was only of passing interest.

Shepard smiled at her, coloring it with an understanding and sympathetic condescension. “I’m afraid I can’t discuss whether or not I’m meeting with another student. The privacy of my clients is very important, and I won’t betray that. Every client I have is safe speaking to me, and I will make certain that privacy is respected. The same is true in your case,” he answered.

Violet returned his expression with a pitying smile of her own. She had to sniffle and wipe her tears on her tie before she could sell him on the expression. But it seemed to work well enough. “Mr. Clay announced my evaluation period to my entire class the other day. Which I didn’t complain about, because just about everyone assumed I’d be here anyway. It doesn’t feel that private,” she replied.

Shepard’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly at this, but after a moment of quiet, he simply nodded. “You’re right, of course. The fact that the policy is public knowledge does present challenges to privacy. But, naturally, all anyone is truly aware of is a standard evaluation. Most students get that. The extended treatment will, I promise, remain exactly as private as you’d like it to be,” he assured her.

She rested her chin in one hand and looked off to the side. “I see. Well. You’ll probably see him eventually. He was part of the same group as me, and got caught up in the same incident. I’m sure he’s on your list for evaluation, if you haven’t met him already,” she mused. At least, out loud. She knew Chase was on his schedule, but not for several weeks. He was apparently a much lower-value recruit. As such, he wasn’t nearly as high as Violet on the priority list. The irony of that nearly made Violet smirk, and she covered her mouth with her fingers just in case. When the meeting did happen, Chase would certainly have a few lovely things to say about Violet. So she figured she may as well get ahead of it.

“Did you have him on your mind?” Shepard asked.

Violet sighed. “I don’t want to give you the wrong idea about him. He’s just… upset. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it. I know he’s having a hard time, and he probably grieves differently than I do,” she replied.

“Whatever you say to me, here in this room? It’s all about how you are doing. How you feel about what you are going through, and what challenges you may or may not be facing. You can speak freely. I won’t allow anything you say to color my impression of any of my other clients,” he answered.

“So you are meeting with him, then? He’s one of your other clients?” Violet asked. 

Shepard’s eyes narrowed again, but only a little. “You don’t have to avoid the conversation, Violet. If you don’t want to talk about it, I won’t force you to. But I hope you will try. You can only get as much out of these sessions as you put into them, after all,” he answered. 

Violet looked back at him with sharpened eyes, then crossed her arms. “I appreciate that, Mr. Shepard,” she replied. She stared at him for a long moment, then allowed her expression to soften. She lowered her arms to her sides and hung her head a bit. When she spoke again, there was far less of an edge to her voice. “Alright. I don’t know if any of this is worth saying. But I want to say it out loud, I guess. Just don’t… don’t hold me to this every meeting, alright?”

Shepard nodded, and Violet noticed the slight change in his demeanor as he relaxed a few muscles. “Of course. A one-time deal. I am happy to listen regardless,” he agreed.

Violet was silent for another moment, then slumped. “He just… I thought we were friends. But today, he was so cruel to me. I’ve tried to shake it off, I have. All throughout class, and after lunch. But I just couldn’t. It was so… public,” she said.

“Oh? It sounds like it must have been significant to you,” Shepard replied. 

“He was Alex’s—my boyfriend. The one who… well. My boyfriend—Chase was Alex’s best friend. We’ve known each other all our lives, really. I always liked him. Although, not in the way he wanted me to. But that never amounted to more than a few awkward moments when we were left alone. Aside from that, we always got along. Not best friends, exactly. But… I don’t know. Really good friends? He’s a good guy. One of the only people who never judged me for my lack of calling, before I got one. Pretty much just him and Alex, really,” Violet explained. Whenever Violet mentioned Alex, her fingers flexed—like she wanted to grip something, but didn’t know what.

“To me, it seems like you have a lot of trust in him. Would you say that’s true?” Shepard asked.

Violet nodded. “With Alex… well. I might trust Chase more than anyone I have left. He’s the only person here who I have any history with. And he’s the only person I thought I could confide in. About… about Alex. Maybe that’s why I’m talking to you now, I guess. Because I learned that wasn’t true,” she answered. Again, Alex’s name made her tense whenever she spoke it.

“That would hurt. Especially during such a vulnerable time. To be made to feel isolated. Betrayed, even,” Shepard said.

Violet nodded. “I was happy to see him. And again, he really is a good guy. But he’s… he’s hanging onto something impossible. And I tried to be gentle. I did. Maybe not as well as you would have. Maybe I should have just let him believe, for a little while longer. But I didn’t. And he just… He screamed at me. Around everyone in the green dorm. He said such foul things about me. He said Alex didn’t love me. That he was just using me. Like I was nothing more than the easiest girl he could find. Chase said that he mocked me when I wasn’t around. And the entire time, everyone was staring at us. Everyone. Every friend I might make in the future. Any classmates near me. I just wanted to talk to my friend about someone we both loved. And he humiliated me instead. I just… I don’t understand why,” she said. Her voice was trembling, but her brow had furrowed into a glare.

“I’m so sorry, Miss Asher,” Shepard replied. He paused to give her time to compose herself. There were tears running down Violet’s cheeks, and he waited as she appeared to fight a few sharp breaths. As she mastered the trembling in her arms, he finally spoke. “It is easy, when grieving, to lash out at our loved ones in anger. It’s normal. It’s impossible to know how anyone will process what happened to either of you. Especially if one person is still holding onto hope, and the other has already confronted the truth. The closer two people are, the more that might feel like a betrayal.”

Violet looked up at him with indignant surprise. “You’re defending him?” she asked. “I open up, and you tell me I deserved to be treated like that?”

Shepard folded his hands together. “I didn’t say I was talking about him,” he answered. 

Violet paused. “Are you saying I’m lashing out in anger? Why? Because I was yelled at? Because I was called worthless and embarrassing to the man I loved?” she replied.

Shepard shook his head. “I am not. But like I said before, I am only here to help you. So you can talk through how you are feeling. And so I can ask the right questions to help you examine that. My opinion of your friend isn’t the point. What I am asking isn’t whether you lashed out at your friend. It does, however, feel like you have a lot of anger of your own. Somewhere behind today's incident,” he said.

Violet met his eyes and let several seconds pass. “Would it be so hard to just call him a jerk? To simply say he shouldn’t have done that, I’m right to be upset, and no one will believe him? You could have just said his claims were ridiculous and everyone would see that, couldn’t you?” she asked.

Shepard pressed the fingers of each hand together as he spread them. He leaned forward and examined Violet’s glassy eyes.

“Yes. And I do think publicly shaming someone in grief is reprehensible. I’ll happily say that. But you feel angry, to me. And not just about this. Or maybe I am wrong, and it’s something else entirely,” Shepard replied. He was quiet for a moment after that, then sat up straight. Violet saw his eyes flick as he made a note with his talent. “If you don’t mind another question, why do you want me to say that? That what Chase said was ridiculous, I mean,” he asked.

Violet blinked. “Because that’s the decent thing to do?” she suggested.

Shepard bowed his head in quiet acquiescence. “Perhaps. But I don’t know you well yet. Surely such reassurance would feel hollow. But you want to hear it anyway. So I am curious. Chase—a boy you trusted—turned on you. One of only two people who seemed to value you said he never had. And he claimed Alex felt the same way. Is it possible some part of you is finding it difficult to dismiss that?” he asked.

Violet flinched. Then she lifted her legs onto her seat and hugged her knees. “Alex wasn’t like that,” she insisted. 

Shepard nodded. “I understand. But you are grieving, Violet. And not even you know how that might manifest. Like lashing out in anger. At the boy who insulted you. And perhaps at the boy who wandered too far from the train. Perhaps Chase’s words cut deeper than you realized. Maybe you can’t stop thinking about them because you can’t dismiss them. Not entirely. Not while you haven’t let yourself examine your unresolved feelings toward Alex. Like I said. You seem angry, to me. And it seems deeper than a response to what Chase did,” he said.

Violet didn’t answer for a long time. She clenched and unclenched her fists as she thought. Finally, she released a hot breath and looked over her knees at her therapist. “I don’t know,” she answered. “What he said isn’t true. I know that. But Alex was supposed to be here. He was supposed to stay with me, and… ugh.” She pulled her legs more tightly. “I felt a lot of things in that moment. And yes. Anger was one of the most prominent. I thought it was just at Chase. But it was so incredibly…” she trailed.

“Yes?” Shepard pushed.

“Is it normal to have intrusive thoughts? Like when you are angry, and for just a moment, all you can think about is hurting the person who pissed you off? Even if it’s just for a second?” she asked.

Shepard smiled. “Perfectly normal. It’s only human nature. Especially when you are hurting so much yourself,” he answered.

“You know what I mean?” she pressed. “You’ve felt that way, too?” 

Shepard paused, but nodded. “From time to time. Many people have such thoughts. There are tools to help contend with them, and to examine their source. Tools I can teach you,” he offered.

Violet didn’t answer, at first. “It was a new experience for me. I don’t think it will come up again. But… maybe you are right. Maybe I’m mad at Alex for dying. For leaving me. Maybe I’m afraid Chase isn’t lying. I don’t know. But you’re right. I'm just… I'm mad. And Alex doesn’t deserve it. But I feel it anyway,” she replied.

“That’s perfectly understandable. And I will do everything in my power to help you reach that understanding,” Shepard responded.

Violet smiled up at him. It was wobbly, and weak. But it was a smile. As she did, she idly reached up to her sidetail and untied her ribbon. Her hair fell loosely over her shoulders, and she let out a sigh. “Maybe I can feel comfortable with this after all,” she whispered.