spiraling (demo version)

I wrote this song two years ago when I was in a very, dark space. today I find myself not quite in that space but circling the edges.

this song will be on the anomaly album. it's a very, very rough demo and the beat doesn't come close to what I envision for the song.

there are curse words.

what will they think of me when they hear me say the f word?

I struggled with this for a long time - is it disrespectful? but I came to terms (and am still coming to terms) with the fact that I am an artist and sometimes the corners of a person's truth don't have a filter. michelangelo's david isn't wearing a cloth. The sistine chapel has a bunch of naked people painted on it and it's in vatican city.

let me make this clear though and if you happen to come across my writing in other places, you'll find out that I actually have been cursing since kindergarten. if you've never heard it that means I'm filtering it for you. my dad NEVER in his lifetime heard me curse once and when I wrote darn in a text he thought I wrote damn and was shocked because he said he never heard me curse. well, I broke it to him that since about the age of five I've had a potty mouth but that I filtered it for him. the robert de niro of the family's daughter filtered herself around him. side note: I find it interesting that parents are appalled when their children say bad words as if they didn't learn it from them. even if it's from the tv or school - who put them there...parents.

to everyone else - thank for letting me be myself as mr. stone says.

spiraling is dark. instead of dancing around my depression or trying to be cryptic, I cha-chaed right on the spot. sometimes the only way out is with a mouthful of expletives.

until again anomalies.

spiraling

all my life

I pride myself...checking boxes

doing things that I believe would make them happy

proud of me but who am I living for if not for me?

I'm so fucking tired of having nothing

no one really sees me

all these days

I took the blame...you say I'm fucking sensitive

but never change the shit you say

words as weapons, gas-lit flames

I finally caught on...caught on to the game.

I'm so fucking tired of having nothing

& no one really hears me

I'm complaining, I'm saying exactly what you're hearing

that no one, not even you, really feels me

I am yelling! I'm screaming! shouting!

do you hear me? that no one, not he or she really sees me!

I am grieving! I'm barely eating or sleeping!

shut the fuck up!

shut up!

shut up!

do you hear me?

all my life I pride myself...checking boxes

so they'd be proud of me

but that all changes

changes

today