Goodbye Grandma Ethel

Nothing and no one will ever prepare us for loss. It doesn't matter if you have all the time in the world to say goodbye or none at all...it hurts. While some may find comfort in the fact that their loved one lived to be 90 or 100...it still hurts. Missing someone that you cannot speak to is a void that will never be filled. We all have our beliefs but even within those beliefs, that void still exists. We will never know what we know until we know it.

My grandma, Ethel Mae Steward, was one-of-a-kind. She had a lovely smile and was sweet and kind. She was also somewhat of a firecracker and wouldn't let anyone mess with her. One of the funniest things she ever said that cracks me up to this day is how she would never go on a cruise.

"Grandma Ethel, you wouldn't go on a cruise?"

"Oh, no, honey. Not me. I'll just meet up with everyone back on land."

We laughed.

My grandma came from a different generation where the world was overtly cruel to Black Americans and unapologetic. Everyone knew their place and sadly, they were at the very bottom. One of my mom's earliest memories as a child was my grandma telling her she couldn't drink from a certain water fountain or use a certain bathroom. These things shaped the minds and hearts of the people from my grandma's era and they never fully trusted the government, hospitals, systems or institutions simply because they failed them over and over again.

Despite all of the hardships my grandma faced in life, she enjoyed her casino adventures and her long phone calls with family and friends. She was old school in a lot of ways - writing things down, keeping her house and especially her bathroom immaculate, plastic on her furniture - and while once I found it funny, today I just miss those things that made her who she was. She is me two lifetimes ago and I am her two lifetimes ahead.

When I said goodbye to her at the hospital, she was already gone. I thanked her for being my grandmother and that I would love her forever. I touched her arm and thanked her for giving me the greatest gift in the world - my mom.

Those two women are the shields that protected me, battling the world so I could have opportunities they didn't. I will never forget that. I am who I am because of them.