Standing Outside (For Pop & Mommy)

This post is dedicated to my grandfather, Pop, since August 8 is his birthday (shout out birthday twin LT). I also dedicate this to my mom because Standing Outside is very much about her as it is him and to Brian, who composed a beautiful song.

This recording is about eighteen years old. We have performed it countless times since I first laid down these vocals in his closet/makeshift vocal booth at his apartment on Hollywood & Highland. I wrote the lyrics. Brian wrote and played the guitar and piano. When we first met, I used to sit and listen to him play it all the time. I wasn't sure if he wanted lyrics written but he was so on board with it, I have to admit, I was a little intimidated at first.

This song is written from the perspective of my mom. When my grandfather passed away in 2006, we drove east to say goodbye. It felt very much like a quest. In the hot ass car, driving across America, I felt a shift in my soul. I recognized that I wasn't there just to say goodbye to my Pop but to be there for my mom who was a daughter saying goodbye to her father. My purpose was to be a witness, to hold her hand and to dry her tears.

The lyrics reflect feeling alienated, lost and completely out of balance and disoriented - like screaming at the top of your lungs with no sound coming out. Losing someone you love is a singular experience - a lonely road that we all face from time to time during our lives. It is a master game of musical chairs, where those you know and love leave the room gradually until there are no chairs left and it is your time to move on.

BUT

Even in singularity, there is togetherness.

When I lost my father, my mother travelled east with me to support me and my brothers. She was there for a daughter saying goodbye to her father as a witness to hold my hand and dry my tears. I rarely share this but the day after my dad's funeral, I was restless. I was unfortunately, dealing with fibroids and constantly worrying about having accidents so it was hard to sleep on top of everything else. In the early morning hours, my mom suggested we go outside and take a walk. We went outside of the hotel and everything hit me...like everything all at once and I think the world started melting because I couldn't see anything anymore as the tears started rolling down my face. She hugged me tightly, told me it was okay to let it out and I started screaming. In that moment, only she who was in my shoes ten years prior could know exactly what I needed. I was alone in my pain but she was standing outside with me so I could release some of it. My human band-aid.

I will always remember Pop as a giant tree in the forest with roots connecting all of our family musically. He was a musician, performer, songwriter, singer, and composer. He called me Harry and I will always miss hearing him say it as well as calling his daughters and granddaughters his Baby Girls.

The Anomaly aka Harry

Standing Outside

Standing out here wondering if you can still hear me

The rain has no fear, drops have collected and become my tears

Standing outside I always wonder where do I belong

Always outside cannot follow don't know where you have gone

Look at me I am breaking

I don't know what I'm doing

'Cause I've never lost anything that made me feel like I have nothing

Look at me I am only slowly fading

So how I can know where I'm supposed to be when you're not here with me

So afraid to stay in here

Always....I'm

Standing removed trying to prove I can move mountains through

This little frame the perfect rendition of my memory of you

Standing outside I always wonder where do I belong

Always outside can I be right if I am always wrong?

Look at me I am breaking

I don't know what I'm doing

'Cause I've never lost anything that made me feel like I have nothing

Look at me I am only slowly fading

So how I can know where I'm supposed to be when you're not here with me

So afraid to stay in here

Always....I'm