I wanted to share this with you
Hey everyone! I have to give it to you straight, I’m not doing well. March especially has been nothing but me falling deeper and deeper in depression. Since the flood, I felt ashamed I couldn’t get back things together the way they were. There are a number of reasons for that, but let’s just say it took me a lot of effort and time to build a workplace friendly to my brain. Losing that has made me lose all my marks. I’ve suffered from extreme paranoia all my life, but you can imagine this kind of event only destroys further any sense of security.
So I want to become transparent with you, this time not just with what I do but with who I am.
I struggle on a daily basis to start a task, stay focused on it and get out of it once I’m focused. My motivation comes from finding new things and experimenting with them. I love my job, I really do, who wouldn’t? I get to create all I want all day and most of my clients are chill people only wanting to share their cool ideas with me. So what gives?
While it might seem like I have no problem working hard and focusing, often ignoring everything around me, it’s actually part of the issue. Once I finally gained momentum, once something really stimulates me, I can’t let it go. Even if it’s not the priority, even it shouldn’t require this much attention. Pacing myself is extremely hard. On top of that I feel like I’m constantly lost in my thought with no means of getting back to reality’s demands.
In March of this year, I came to the realisation, like many of you reading this, that it could all be ADHD. It took a bit of time to process, it came from friends diagnosed with the same condition, from hundreds of online tests, from overwhelming evidences in all my school reports. A lot of misconception about what it was had to be debunked, especially from tv shows. I’m still learning about it today, but what I learned so far gave me two hopes : First, being vindicated from a life of constant struggle and bullying. Second, that it can be helped. If you’re interested on the matter and don’t know much about the condition, I’ve written a document on the matter linked below.
The main reason why I’m falling into depression now isn’t because I’m seeing myself as someone with ADHD. It’s the actual opposite, it’s because I’ve internalised never to complain, never to be weird. All my life I’ve been taught that my behaviour was a result of my twisted moral, that I just didn’t care enough. So now that I’m being presented with the opposite truth, there’s a clash in my brain. One side filled with anger at others for treating me like I’m just a bad person, myself included. The other side still clinging on to the fear of being humiliated and bullied for holding such foolish hopes about my decadent self.
Depression is preventing me to function normally. A combination of not being in a familiar environment, losing repeatedly my sense of security (Ex. Covid, husband's burnout, 4m tall 3 days long flood, close friends ghosting me after messy breakup, today strangers peeping inside the house suspiciously, etc.) and discovering I’ve been toxic to myself to accommodate others has forced my brain to boycott any attempts at repressing or keeping my behaviour in check. So it’s been a hard unproductive month of me basically crying, doomscrolling, not sleeping, not waking up, not listening, not communicating, overeating, losing track of time, staring desperately at my canvas with nothing happening up there whatsoever, etc.
As much as I want to apologise for this, I feel like it’s just an attempt at delaying your disappointment. I feel like a fraud and I don’t want to be. But I am lying to myself when I think my struggle isn't valid. Because once I accept it, I can seek help, potentially returning better and who knows, a god damn production boss that doesn’t need to pile up stress and anxiety to get shit done. All jokes aside, I know my past is holding me back, I’ve been hardwired to see myself as a bad person and that sort of attitude generates immense guilt for the slightest misstep, resulting in falling off routines that were working fine even with the occasional oopsies.
So am I seeking help? Yes, actually! A few days ago I was supposed to see for the first time my neuro-psychologist to take some test and confirm my condition. It’s important because, while I’m sure I demonstrate all ADHD symptoms (scroll down to know more), it could be that and/or something else. To get helped correctly I need to know exactly what type of brain I’m dealing with. I said supposed, because she postponed to an unknown date last minute and threw me in a panic attack all day. So... yes. Not starting well March nor finishing it well. Hm. But April is near! It’s my birthday soon, surely I’ll get my appointment in order and have a clear idea of what to do with myself. Hopefully.
But in the meantime I don’t plan on halting my work. I know many people are screaming that I’m burning myself out, that I should rest and all. They’re not wrong, far from it. But I can’t forfeit that, not after being slowed down so much by the flood (I can’t help but sounding like I’m saying “Not since... The Incident.” like it’s a mystery novel, I’m sorry). There are a few excuses I could and will list to make you drop it :
I can’t physically relax, my brain will think about problems whether I like it or not.
I feel worthless when I don’t work. Toxic, I know, but I don’t know how to cope with that until I can talk to a therapist.
Momentum is hard to build for me, if I go full stop there I might never get it back.
Disappointing people again will only destroy my self-worth further.
But what do I do, I’m incapable of functioning right now. My only hope is that sharing this letter with you will help me getting over the immense guilt that is killing any attempts I’m trying to make to work, not to mention the pleasure I could take from it. At the moment, I feel so miserable I can’t imagine anything I can do to compensate for the constant failure I’ve been to you, all I’m inclined to do is pretend I don’t exist. But if you were to tell me that I’m not a lost cause, even for a moment, I’d believe you.
Even if it’s out of order, that I can’t make myself understand the priorities in which I should do things. If I can get to work on where inspiration comes, I might build back the momentum to get me out of this self deprecating spiral. Things don't have to look bleak, we can live more and more back in our house, I'll get to see my friends more, maybe conventions will resume? That would be cool. Long story short, I remain optimistic.
If you believe in me, please let me know. It’s a short moment of lucidity and vulnerability I’m taking advantage of, it will go away, I will try to delete this post in panic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What I've come to understand of ADHD (OPTIONAL) (Also it's a link, also make sure to open this on computer or to view it in computer mode otherwise notion will try to make you subscribe)
(Also, Incubus Realms April's fools update is delayed (but I picked that day on purpose as a failsafe :p) Consider the new one on May 1st. I'm still sorry.)
Comments (26)
i know this is ears ago, but Im sorry to hear about it, I hope you have since at least manged to recover from a mental point, these type of things often leave deep truamas
Hey there ! Only a couple of years, still quite relevant! Thank you for your message <3 It's going much better thank you, it took me some time and I haven't written about it because I was concerned it wasn't quite stable yet to shout "victory!". However I'm working on a post to update everyone on the matter, I've never felt better in my life than at this moment.
Thank you for comforting me things are going uphill <3 I too want to believe it's going for a better, I'm an optimist and idealist at heart. It helps me to hear it from others because lately my own words are muffled by the negative thoughts. I also appreciate that people are so encouraged by the fact I'm taking this head on. I was worried people would think I'm just letting myself fall apart and leave me to rot. I'm glad they are rooting for me. It's part of the problem, part of the solution, I've always seen the bright side, but often misunderstood the dark one. It led me to believe I had not rights to be sad, to be damaged in any capacity, just because I was capable of being optimistic; but optimism led me to a self-righteous mindset where I thought I could only help others without ever the need to ask for help myself. I was wrong. I doubted of my humanity many times, thinking I lacked the sensitivity to feel what depression was, or that perhaps my life never met any significant struggle for me to complain. I couldn't relate to those who suffered, only empathise. I realise now I was scared to be rejected again. Rejected all my life, asking for help only to be rejected again. I remembered, I did ask for help, many times when I was younger, but to no avail. So I just stopped and internalised I was just not allowed to complain. I thought that if I could still breathe and obey, I was not depressed, it was just a desire to have people's attention. The feelings that I had were irrelevant to the people around me, so I dismissed the feelings and started dissociating myself from life. Today, I finally allow myself to be depressed and to ask for help. But I feel it's a shame I had to wait until my body refused to obey, until I hated myself so much I couldn't exist. My dissociation with the rest of people made me incapable of accepting I could claim the same rights for help unless I had overwhelming symptoms. I apologise to myself for waiting I'd fall apart to ring the bell. I just couldn't without something tangible... It felt like my credibility was absent, no one would listen so I might as well have shut up. All of that rambling to say I'm happy my empathy for others kept me going to help them out, even to the detriment of my own life. It allowed me to train my compassion and understanding until I could apply it to myself. Funnily enough, it's when I realised I was being a hypocrite, telling everyone the right thing to do, but never doing it myself, that I turned against myself (in a good way, well it still led to deep depression, but that's what happens when you re-open such an old wound that never healed.)
nobody should feel guilty for a mental or emotive condition and you definitely have nothing to reproach yourself, considering the high quality work you always put out. Brains are a strange thing... but you have plenty to look forward to: you have a better grasp of what was holding you back, you have made the huge step of seeking help, your immediate surroundings are creeping back to normality: far from me to tell you how you should feel, but I believe that things are on the rise -and that because of you and what you did. You are more powerful than you think!
I believe you can get through this. I'm rooting for you.
Thank you <3 I'll do my best, you make me want to.
I've never seen you as a failure or disappointment. In fact, you've consistently surprised me with your creativity and drive. I've struggled with Anxiety and Depression myself, it's not a fun time. But at the end, when you have the tools to help yourself, it's worth pushing through it. We'll be here for you. Thank you for taking the time to be vulnerable, I know it can't be easy. Keep truckin' along, we'll get through this!
Thank you for giving me such optimistic vibes <3 I know it's weird to phrase it like that, but I'm actually excited to finally see a therapist. I feel like I have all the pieces of evidence I needed now to build a case for myself. I'm just looking forward the validation and help from specialists. You know, I really found myself in a corner. I couldn't do anything and the appointments were getting more and more distant. I didn't want you guys to be left in the dark for another month, a month felt already unfair. I know most of us don't talk face to face, but I feel like art is already sharing who you are with the world. Besides, many other people are suffering from depression, anxiety, lack of help or recognition of their neurodivergence, for the little visibility I have, I want to help them see that I struggle too and that I understand the difficulty of rewriting that internalised self deprecation. I feel like I'm calling for help too, many of you answered already, yourself included. If my entire being fails to keep going, fails to want to go on, I'm glad a part of me realised I should reach out to you all. I can already feel all your messages holding me back together... And I will need it for this long healing process. So thank you.
I don’t know what I can help you but I believe in you. I sincerely do. Of all the illustrators I subscribe to you hold a special place. Because your work has a special feeling in them, that you want to do something special, you want to tell something, and that you’re proud of them. It’s a kind of brightness that leaves me with a smile whenever I read your works, even the ones I’ve read dozens of times. I, and I believe your other readers, are happy that you’re speaking out and taking them in this kind of positive(ish) way. It’s the same kind of vibe I’ve always felt in your works. If you’re feeling guilty because you couldn’t keep up the promise for us, it’s not how it works. :) You promised nothing: you just wanted to share your passion in illustration to us, and we just happened to love it. And things change. What I used to love, I might not like for no reasons. It happens all the time. So when I said I believe in you, it’s not the hollow promises of “I’ll always like you”. Instead, I believe you will eventually handle it. I believe the passion you’ve shown in your past works will be felt again and guide you to inner peace. I believe that a person like you will never be tolerate this situation forever, and is wise enough to find your way out.
Thank you, it means a lot you think so much of me. I do often wonder why I bother spending so much time on my pieces... Like, I see most other artists, they grind artworks after artworks at such a fast pace compared to me. I feel so slow it makes me desperate. Why does it take so long to produce anything when others can just make it happen in a week or two? But it makes me happy to learn you find there's something special I'm looking for in my art. I think I forget that too easily, while I never stop looking for it, I often think I just can't restrain myself to what's necessary. It's not just the art. It's a lot. Because I really love art, I love my job and I'm sad it suffers from my depression. I'm sad it suffered from my lack of understanding of myself. I feel like all the bad things that happened in the past are creeping up on me now to prevent me from rewriting the part that says I'm a bad person. I don't want to believe that anymore, but it's so difficult to stop believing it. Most people think I should just act normal, because they think I came with the same body and brain they did. It's only now I can see that no, I didn't. A part of me might have known that all along, after all I've been told off all my life to be underperforming compared to everyone else. But I never wanted to accept it because I thought it was accepting I was stupid or just someone who doesn't care. When I realised in March of this year that maybe it wasn't a bad thing, but a strength (provided I sought help to understand how to best use my brain) or even just being different in a non-negative way, it's when it all fell apart. Up until now, I had always despised myself for everything I couldn't do as well or as naturally as others, instead of embracing what I could do better. I never focused on the positive, only on the negative. Now I have to go back to when I took the wrong turn. I have to review everything that's been done and told to me with this new viewpoint. I have to reject the unfair comments and embrace the nice ones too often dismissed. I need to return to a state where I am not just the sum of all the bad things people think of me. I'll do my best to understand myself now, whatever I end up labelled as. I've met many people with the same struggle and it helped me realise that if I can understand their pain, it must mean mine is real too.
Hi Ghuraok, We will most likely never meet outside of this forum but I wanted to wish you all the best. I really hope you can get to a better place in the future. I've also struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life and I know how tough it can be. I think you have an amazing art style, and I'm looking forward to what you will do once you have found your strength again. I believe in you.
Thank you!! I won't give up on me ! I'm looking forward to what I can do as well when I'm no longer a slave to that toxic attitude I've been forced in. Well, if you ever felt the desire to see me or talk on voice chat, I will resume doing streams on the discord server more and more. So you're always welcome to come by and say hi !
Don't worry Jojo, you're not a failure in my eyes or any of that! I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through and not be able to give you more support than you should have, but now that you've managed to put your finger on the crux of the problem maybe it will be more simple for you to be able to overcome this obstacle. With all my friendship that I can give you.
Merci Mathou ❤️ Je pense que tu as raison, le plus dur c'était de s'en rendre compte et de l'admettre. Même si tant que ça n'est pas officiellement écrit je vais avoir du mal, je sens de plus en plus que j'ai le droit à de l'aide. Que j'ai le droit de changer la façon dont je me vois. Avec toute mon amitié aussi 💕
Hey Ghuraok, I’ve been a patron for a bit now. I decided to support you because I found incubus realms; it was very hot and also a little scary! I’m at a point in my life where I resonate a lot with what you’re writing. I’m diagnosed with ADHD, depression, generalized anxiety disorder. It’s really been kicking the shit out of me the past 6 months especially. I’m a white collar worker who was top of their class in university, now I’m one of the lowest performers at my work and can get barely anything done due to both depression and adhd. Because of my problems at work, an existential crisis, feelings of utter dispair, and newly developing paranoia, I decided to get medicated with antidepressants, as well as adhd medication. I realized that my depression and anxiety is holding me back more, and now that the medication is starting to work, im realizing just HOW depressed I was. You may be more depressed than you realize. So! I wanted to share with you a couple of things that helped me. - you’re struggling with feelings of worthlessness and imposter syndrome from issues getting work done. To you I want to say this; your value isn’t determined by how much you get done. You are more than your work—I’m saying this and I pay you to see your it! - You are not your thoughts. Recite the alphabet in your head—are you the voice that’s saying it or the thing that’s listening? With this in mind, realize that your thoughts are a product of you, not the entirety of you. Use this idea to evaluate your thoughts and whether they are helpful to who you want to be, or if they are truthful. Depression has a lot to do with the negative repeating thought patterns we put ourselves through. This tool helps you take off the “shit colored glasses” of depression. - Adhd medication is not a cure-all. All the it will do is make it easier for you to start tasks and regulate your focus. You still need some mental discipline to focus on the correct task. try not to drop your work habits if you can—but allow yourself to adjust them so you’re not being toxic to yourself. - Given yourself the space to be kind to yourself. You’re motivated a lot but how others perceive your work—so think about this. If you feel like hell, won’t the quality of your work be affected? Is it worth doing at all if the process of doing it makes you feel like shit? These are troubling thoughts, but humans are not machines. Don’t treat yourself as if you are one.
Thank you for reaching out to me ❤️ I'm very touched you're being open about your experience and I'm feeling you so much. I tried so many jobs before deciding to start my Patreon, everything was really getting me stressed and overwhelmed quickly. Most of the time I didn't even make it past the interview. I think you're right, ever since I've allowed myself to be vulnerable about it, I realised the trail of shitty things I've been hit with is going far deeper than I thought. Originally I thought this was just gonna be about getting my ADHD in check and voilà. But I realise there's a fundamentally toxic mindset in the way I treat myself. I constantly take myself down with no pity because I'm anticipating people will do it anyways. I undermine the value of everything I do to lower the expectations because I can read critiques as constructive criticism, all I hear is the false subtext telling me it's garbage and that I might as well start over. I don't want to keep my hopes too high, I don't even know if doctors will give me a treatment or if something like my parents' history will prevent me to get it. So I'm already looking for ways to better treat myself before even seeing the specialist. I really think the mindset I had was the most damaging. It's going to be hard to change it as it's become second nature, but therapy will help. Being officially diagnosed will help me tremendously, even without any treatment, because even it's overwhelmingly clear, a part of me doesn't want to allow myself to take this "fantasy" too far. Like it's sweet I think I'm not worthless but let's not actually get a confirmation on that, that's not how I've been taught. Is how that part of my brain tries to make me think. I do agree, if that can be of any reassurance, writing this letter has been very mentally taxing. It was stressful to fight back against my desire to hide and just give in to my depression. But I have good people around me trying to help me, yourself included, and I wanted to believe in the people supporting me to kill the guilt I had not functioning. I couldn't work well or at all in March, but I want to try again with your kind words to protect me from my negative thoughts, to stimulate my brain to associate pleasure again with my work and to stop wanting to hide because you want me around even when I struggle. Thank you again, and thank you liking Incubus Realms 💖 it's a project dear to my heart and I want to treat it well. As you said, if the author isn't doing well it's gonna reflect on his work, so I better take care of myself !
First, you are most definitely NOT a failure. I'm super sorry you're going through rough times. I dealt with severe anxiety for many years. I got some help and put in a lot of work but I'm in a much better place now. Put in the work, hang in there, lean on the people you can lean on. It can and will get better. And don't be hard on yourself! Everyone goes through Hell at some time or another. I forget who said it, but if you're going through Hell, keep going!
Thank you 💖 I'm happy to know you managed to get through it, it inspires me! I'll do my best to reconcile with myself.
Also, (my answer is a bit of a mess), when you say "I can’t imagine anything I can do to compensate for the constant failure I’ve been to you", well, nothing. Cause nobody (except you) think about you as a failure. What's worse, nobody (including you) should talk to you in this manner. As the other say, It's absolutely ok to take a break, or to slow down if you need to, no one here will think less of you if you do, it only means that you are human (contrary to Anthony, he isn't really human anymore, not since...the incident 👀) (sorry, kinda tired, so my answers are really badly structured)
Man, I know it's the most toxic shit, it's partly why I ring the alarm. I can feel my intrusive thoughts creeping on my reason and getting the upper hand. But that's how raw the feeling is and that's why I'm asking for help. I don't want to believe this. I don't want to lose this fight, but I can't win it on my own. Some stuff are so deeply internalised I need help to rewrite what I don't have the rights to rewrite myself. It's like a virus, something that's been forcefully written in me and that is actively holding me back. These aren't my words, I know that, but I can't help but hear and feel it like it's playing with my emotions at will. But the fact I've finally identified it as a threat makes me realise the depression is a necessary evil, like a fever to fight back. I know that if I didn't feel so bad, I wouldn't have allowed myself to seek help.
I don't know what's the deal with this month of March, but it somehow was the bearer of bad luck for so many people I know. Well... As gloomy your post is, I'm glad that you're taking steps in a good direction by focusing on your health. That's a part of being kind to yourself, along with (re)learning to have a non-abusive inner monologue. Also, be careful with the doomscrolling, Twitter is especially bad for that, my life/mood improved dramatically when I paused it (Didn't close the account, just found a way to switch to a different habit)
It's been kicks after kicks but March is where it all crumbled haha "Non-abusive inner monologue" is the best way to describe what I need to learn. Urgh, like I swear, Twitter is getting safe because I've added so many filters (crypto, trump, nft, ukrain, war, facism, etc.) because I just want to look at porn. But the culprit now is Google and its news feed that it notifies me with all the time. Everyday it's Covid, war, climate, death, diseases, politics. I struggle enough to deal with myself to extent my worries to things I can't do jack shit about. Thank you for your message x
heyo. sooooo i actually grew up the same. bullied and berated for behavior i learned in high school was pretty much out of my control. down on myself because i couldn’t focus on simple tasks. and even after my ADHD diagnosis it took me 3-4 years to process it and start looking at doing something about it. so know you’re not alone. and kudos to you for jumping right on seeking help. its a lot to take in and its a huge adjustment in your thought pattern. but it sounds like you’re doing what needs to be done. sounds like you’re self observing well while planning for better and working around what can’t change immediately. take a deep breath. i think you’re gonna get through this shit just fine. i actually had plans to become a patron tomorrow when i get paid. i’ve followed you for a while and i really enjoy your work. that said, if you do need to slow down and take a break, i find no disappointment in that. you’re the source of content i enjoy. and yeah i’d be sad if that went away for a while. but you’re more than just a content creator and have personal needs. and i respect that. handle yourself how you feel you need to. even if thats continuing to bust out work. just so long as you take care of yourself and stride towards a better state of being. sorry things have been rough. i wish you better days.
Thank you <3 I appreciate you tell me it's okay if I slow down, especially because I was really worried new patrons would just run away seeing this. Nonetheless, I have to work... but with new mindset, one that doesn't generate guilt or stress, I've used negative feedback to get me to do anything it's time I do the opposite and get pleasure from my work again. Obviously it's hard to rewire myself overnight, I can't even foresee how that will work, but as I say, I still am optimistic at heart and I have to use that to get me out of here. Funnily enough, I'm good at helping other people with their issues and it's realising I was being a hypocrite not applying the same care to myself that I managed to self analyse better.
I’ve lived with ADHD all my life. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was around 35 I think. I started seeing a therapist a little over a year ago for various reasons and he has helped with a lot of side effects. Like the depression, the feeling of if I’m not perfect I’m letting everyone or if I make a mistake and more. Here are some really important things I have learned and I hope they might be of some help 1. Never repress any part of yourself. Be who you are, the real you. When you repress one part of yourself you start repressing other parts and you are suddenly in this unbearable cage looking out with hopelessness. Be who and what your are and you will set yourself free. 2. Take that ADHD energy and learn to use it to your advantage. It gives you the ability to multi-task in some special ways. 3. Please never stop your writing or art. It’s very special. I do believe in you. And I know you will overcome any issues you have now or in the future.
Thank you, it means a lot to me you've taken the time to share this <3