HOW DID I END UP HERE?

Growing up, I don’t think I even asked myself whether I did the things I did because I liked them or because I wanted to please the people around me. When I turned 30 I was still somewhat far in the closet, past Narnia. You might not believe it but growing up (and to date) I was not my parent’s favourite offspring. They were very vocal about it, I was led to believe I was abnormal, insolent, selfish, impolite, uneventful, unattractive, book smart but dumb AF plus a long list of other lies and contradictions. I was asked to always be well groomed, well dressed, manly, disciplined, obedient. I was discouraged from doing things that make one the centre of attention, things like singing, dancing, making music, acting, being loud, lewd, dressing too tight or too colourful, talking about certain topics, being seen doing certain things or with certain people. I was constantly asked to be different, to talk differently, to think differently because I wasn’t likeable. Of course to adapt I had to play the person I was requested to play while I figured out what to do.

My life has been relatively easy but there’s been a few bumps and canyons on the road. I’ll skip a few parts and leave those for later but to give you an overview after dropping out of the university I moved to France to become a pâtissier then moved back to my city, lost my virginity, finally started having sex with men, made a bunch of bad decisions and acquaintances but I had an active social life and a net of friends and family.I worked a couple of sales jobs, I tried opening a bakery on my own (and I learned that to borrow money you have to show the people you’re asking it from that you have the same amount of money or the equivalent in assets to pay them back or they won’t agree to lend you said money). I tried finding a business partner (but it seems everyone wants to chip in as little money as possible, work as little as possible yet keep most of the profit) I also discovered the government is really generous and likes to help small businesses (but only the ones that can prove they’ve been profitable for a good few years. If you’re brand new you’re on your own) I gave up on that thinking it was a sign from the universe and I started looking into moving to a place where I didn’t have to conceal the fact that I’m gay and hopefully find love there. Having to pretend I was a different person was becoming a burden so I manned up, worked a couple of office jobs that paid well, saved money, did a lot of paperwork and made it happen.

I came out to my family in 2014 and moved to Montreal that same year. In 2016 I went to trade school to study tailoring while working as a baker. I started doing things I always wanted to do but couldn’t due to uptight gender roles nonsense but I was still not fully honest to myself about my motivations. I was certain of my good taste though but it would take time, practice and a lot of materials to feel confident enough about my work and my ability to materialize an image in my head.

In an ideal world I would be a costume designer or an artistic director for fashion shows. I love art and I love making people think outside of their comfort zone. I like taking ideas that are considered tacky and turning them into the best they could be. I like shocking and I like thinking every kind of thought, I like learning and sharing information.I like visual arts. Fashion seems to have woken up from its stupor recently but it’s been a while since I last saw something that blew me away. I wish I had the time and resources to materialize some of my ideas because they would definitely blow your mind.

Now, back to what led us here. If I may be honest I was always interested in being an actor, appearing in visually striking videos, evoking emotions in people through words and actions but I didn’t even feel I was good-looking or confident enough to be in front of of a camera and the chances of me being chosen for anything of like were very little because there was no media being produced where I came from.

I tried modelling but, back in the day when they didn’t mind saying shit like that, the agencies told me I was the right height but too big and needed to lose weight. I tried modelling agencies when I moved to Montreal but no success on that regard. I sent out photos to a few agencies (I tried joining the acting union but they’re extremely weird about letting anyone in) and ended up getting booked regularly as an extra on movies, series and advertisements while I was studying and I did a short stint at a strip club but I sucked at it and didn’t come back after the second night,

When I finished trade school and moved in with my boyfriend I wanted to continue working on television and film but eventually my agent stopped returning my calls. I figured out my soon to be ex was crazy and that break up lead to me living on my own, footing the bill for a o place too big for just one person. My day job wasn’t enough to cover my monthly expenses so I finally gave porn a try.

It was not a hasty decision, I fantasized about being on porn ever since I discovered it but circumstances didn’t allow it until the summer of 2018. I thought about all the consequences and ramifications of such a choice because the internet doesn’t forget and it’s the kind of things that there’s no way back from.

If I may be honest I thought that was me hitting my lowest point. It is not a reputable lifestyle choice. It comes with a certain image but I didn’t care. I knew I would become undateable (but not unfuckable). I knew it would affect me professionally, specially when it comes to serious acting and that perhaps it would get in the way of getting a regular job in the future but I was broke and ready to try anything before considering more drastic measures.

I sent my pictures to a local site. Got a response and I was asked to show up for an interview. Since I discovered real life sex I stopped watching sex videos online so I didn’t even watch porn and had no idea who was whom when I applied to become a model. I figured if they were hiring me with such a wimpy body they probably didn’t have such high standards.

I thought my first scene would be a test run with some D-List guy. To see if I could handle it I assumed. Not to be to o crass but I arrived to the interview douched, with test results and ready to sign a waiver and do the casting couch with a producer slash director slash actor and come back home with a few hundred bucks in my pocket, a load in one of my holes and hopefully a handler to pass me around but no, it was actually pretty neat, no shady dealings. It was also the most honest job interview I’ve had in my life. I wish I had lied and said I was straight because they do get paid more but that’s how clueless, out and proud I was back then..

I thought I’d be a drop of water in a sea of porn but boy was I wrong. You know how I started and I can only speak of my own experience but I’ve been having the time of my life since day 1.

I never imagined that you could be paid for having fun (In my case that would be having sex with straight men in front of other people and knowing people would watch that video, jerk off to it and wish they were in my place)

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that could happen. I didn’t even think that some studios I was lucky enough to work for would take me because I wasn’t as muscular or good looking as the guys they usually feature. Oddly enough they kept giving me work, it was fun, it was easy, people seemed to like me, I started hanging out with other performers. I opened a couple of fan pages accounts and did the best I could. I didn’t make a splash but eventually I was able to quit my full time job as a tailor, I started working freelance and that has allowed me to afford to work on my passion projects.

Now, like I said, I didn’t intend for this to happen and I guess it shows because I’m not as invested as some of my fellow stars. In real life I am (not surprisingly) a very shy guy, I’m socially awkward, geeky, I don’t like taking pictures of myself, I’m not a attention seeker and I would really love to have the patience and drive that my colleagues have but I can’t make myself do a lip-sync or film myself for a short clip, with the same caption and the same soundtrack than the other thousands of social media whores that actually need attention to stay alive.

Now, I’m not delusional, I didn’t expect to have a life long career doing porn and the truth is no studio is fighting over me, I’m not histrionic enough to be offered an exclusive contract, I have been edited out of important projects because I wasn’t flamboyant enough, I have strong opinions and company owners do not like to deal with negative comments from online users so I’m not a hot commodity for them. It’s funny that you’re asked to behave in this field of work, you gotta create a good reputation and maintain it and preferably have no opinions.

I didn’t become a porn actor to be held to any kind of standard of behaviour or decorum but if you want to continue getting work you still have to behave a certain way, not say certain things and tolerate a few other. Not gonna lie, it’s exhausting, it feels like somehow I went backwards, having to mute myself and pretending to be different to please other people but the reality is that life is a a spiral more than a cycle so I’m facing a new form of a previous experience and it’s time to choose to submit or to stay free. If you know me you will know I value freedom more than life so let’s shed some more light onto the dark corners of my intricate mind.

I have a few personal kinks that I haven’t been able to share because it could affect me professionally but I will be more open from now on Strangers online always feel the need to make misinformed judgements, post hateful prejudiced comments and some trolls even like to make sure people lose their jobs if they don’t like something someone said. And trust me, that’s not that hard because porn is a big, profitable business but it’s also controlled by a really small crowd. If you’re nice and pleasant, do the job and people like you, you get more work. If you say the wrong thing at the wrong place you can get yourself in trouble or even blacklisted. Don’t worry, that’s not my case. I’m actually in good terms with almost everyone but my life needs some readjustments because whether I like it or not doing porn has had an effect on my social and personal life.

It was fun at first, getting to work and hang out with the hottest guys, thinking you were friends, assuming people were always honest, thinking you’re all getting paid the same…

…it was less fun to realize that people only see you as a business opportunity, that your value comest from the amount of followers and subscribers you generate and not from the quality of your work, that some guys get paid more only because they’re not gay, that the guys that get paid the most also hate the job the most, that you can do something better and still not get paid as much because the audience doesn’t go as wild for you as they do for the other guy, that you actually don’t have friends and you’re nothing but a step on someone’s ladder, that people are actually making money from the same activities minus the camera but won’t acknowledge it, that people will falsely accuse you of something just to deflect the attention from their shitty performance, that you can no longer get booked for a serious modelling or acting gig because you’re featured on a porn site. That’s only the professional part of it.

When it comes to my personal life, it’s pretty much non existent by now. I lost friends due to my ‘immoral’ life choices, I can’t talk freely about my work in a lot of social settings. My best friend’s mom still doesn’t know what I do for a living and I spend Christmas with him and his family every year. On top of having to conceal my completely legal sources of income I have sort of being removed from regular society. My schedule does not match your average Joe’s, I’m working when people sleep and rest when people are working.

I have a variety of passions and interests but I’ve been reduced to a hollow shell of male fantasy and I’m treated by people as if I was a public service. I stopped going out, my social circle is more of a dot. It has become pretty much impossible to date, to get a date and even to get a reply from people on an app because my fame precedes me or because people judge my choice of employment a bit too harshly. People dump their insecurities on me, they assume I’m under the effect of something 24/7 and also riddled with diseases. Random strangers feel free to tell me distasteful things they wouldn’t voice face to face. For a short moment after coming out I would dress sexy and what not but once I started getting recognize in bars and gay events I stopped dressing in ways that attract attention, I used to be cockier and I’ve found myself feeling anxious and insecure. I have sexual performance anxiety in my private life even though I’m capable of being naked and shooting a load on demand in all sorts of settings and conditions for work. I do not compare myself to others but it’s hard not to question your sanity when someone that can’t figure out the photo album on his phone is effortlessly making way more money than you. I’ve never looked better and somehow I’m not able to enjoy it freely because I feel caged by the expectations of people that don’t really matter in my life and I don’t know what to do to deal with all this other than stepping back a bit to have a better perspective.

Now, just because I don’t get hired by a page that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped being a nasty pervert. I think it’s time to drop the pretence and professional cautiousness. Instead I’ll be completely honest with you about everything, my life, my journey, all the geeky stuff I like, my philosophical musings and of course the things that get me off. I hope you enjoy this new phase and that you will share my pages with a select few to keep things moving forward. If you read this far thank you so much and stick around!

XOXO
Rocky Vallarta