On some heavy vibes today and it feels better to talk to yall then it does to anyone in person. I don’t know if it ever feels better that way for you? To call into void, be met with some love but never enough to really fill the void inside you? I don’t know I’m starting to realize that summer is my least favorite time of the year. Not because of the sun, or the swimming, or the heat, or nature that surrounds us but after 15+ years you’d think I’d have figured out how to deal with all the shit that bubbles to the top but truthfully I don’t think I have. I’m still trying to figure it out. I feel like I’ll be doing this dance for the rest of my life and it’s hard to find solace in that when it feels like you’ve been doing a solo dance routine for your whole life. I know I have some folks to share it with, and thank the universe for them, but damn it gets super heavy this time of year and I look at photos of people having fun, laughing, enjoying good memories and I feel like a little kid caged in a room. I want to desperately join, but for some reason I find myself stuck in the hot air, and I feel stuck in the summers heat of the traumatic summers. The only water I felt was the well of memories, shit ones, that drowned the strength of me to climb out. I want to remember the good memories I’ve had but it seems that what memories I do have left are cold, unforgiving or fragmented with glimmers of light shining through. I don’t know if this post had any point other than to just yap but I felt inclined to. I don’t know. Just know that whatever waters you might be drowning in, you aren’t alone. I’m looking for land too. Keep treading.

-Chicken