Sky high confessional #24 ✈️ Why I started going to the gym… and never left

This week, I started building something I’ve wanted to do for a long time - a page to host the full albums from all of my photo shoots over the years. Because of the silly rules of social media, so many of those photos have never really seen the light of day, but I have now found a home for them on Patreon. And going back through all of them, it really hit me how much my body has changed over time.

That change hasn’t been accidental. It made me reflect on why I invested so much of my life into the gym in the first place.

Growing up, I had almost no exposure to sport. Like zero. My family wasn’t into sports, I didn’t play sports, and I never really felt like I belonged in that world at school either. So for me, at 17 the gym became something much bigger than fitness.

It became part of me claiming my masculinity and building my identity.

And if I’m being completely honest, I also realised pretty early on that in the gay world, having a good body carries status. In my early twenties, I was desperately trying to build confidence because underneath everything, I carried a lot of shame and pretty low self-worth.

The gym became a positive feedback loop. The more confidence I built physically, the more confidence I started building mentally too. It just became a habit, and fast forward 20 years and here we are.

Over the last five years, especially since starting modelling and content creation, things evolved again. I started genuinely caring about creating work that looked beautiful, and that pushed me to challenge myself even harder physically.

Last year I hired a coach. I signed up for a bodybuilding competition because I knew it would force me to level up. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that even last year, after being cheated on in a long-term relationship, part of my transformation became a revenge body... There was anger in it. Determination in it. A need to prove something.

But looking back through all these photos, I realised something else too. My body tells the story of me.  You can almost track the different chapters of my life through it. And honestly, I’m really proud of the results.

But now, after months of intense travel, nonstop movement and constantly pushing myself mentally and physically, I’m trying to reconnect my brain and body again. To slow down a little. To give myself a bit more softness and leeway. And I’m realising that’s self-care too. ❤️