ok I know I said i was going to bed but I have so much built up mental energy so I thought I’d share what I’ve been up to:

• a new subscriber with a name more suited to a king from the 15th century requested an exploration into a kink I have yet to journey into… I had two ways to make this happen, and since I value my gastrointestinal integrity and consider it deeply tied to my mental integrity, I decided that 4 boxes of hummus & broccoli would be a level of masochism I couldn’t justify- so instead I will use more mechanical inducements.

He was kind, generous, and then disappeared into the night with a swirl of his velvet robe to spend time with his family for New Year’s leaving me shocked, sputtering, horny, excited, somehow wanting more, without a dildo or an ounce of lube ever entering my orifices. Who was he? Where did he come from? I have none of the answers I seek, only a singular quest… which leads me potentially 1 hour and a half away back out of the countryside to the nearest large city (suitcase of dicks anyone?) sooner than the salespeople can even forget me. My only solace is that the sheer volume of Christmas clients may have made me more forgettable…. But I’ve heard I have a memorable face. Perhaps I can search this tiny town for thigh high socks, but dare I risk giving away my slutty alter ego to the normal Catholic townspeople, and risk bumping into someone who knows my secrets at the only grocery store? I also have to walk everywhere because the taxi drivers (there are no ride shares bc it’s 1990 where I live) are starting to recognize me… I am fully clothed modestly when I go out, but after spending tens of hours a day filling my holes in various positions I can’t help but feel that the aura of sensuality clings to me like perfume in the hair. I can sense it in the way a man looks at me. So decisions, decisions.

• I explored a new pose which seemed more inspired by hentai/anime/big tits/ milking culture and I was titillated (!) to see my pink pussy and ass presented as such, my face smiling out from underneath my milkers. I thought I’d seen myself from every angle by age 30, but that was 100% new. Gotta say, I saw the charm, but now that he got what he wants from me I fear he too will slip into that dark night, onwards and forwards to collect more poses from woman like rare holo(porno)graphic Pokémon cards.

• I’ve spent a lot of this week with a sweet British boy who is so respectful, that I find myself eager to speak to him again and somehow, subtly, working harder: for example, doing my makeup just a little bit longer, working out to be extra toned before our sessions, spending the time to destress before our calls so I’m in a better mood, even hydrating more than usual so I can squirt more than the last time we talked. He’s been a supporter for awhile and just recently opened up more to me, which helps me bridge that gap between girl on a screen and sexy human who helps you nut. Dare I say this work is fulfilling?

• another of my subscribers has been working hard saving up for some premium content (I was very proud and flattered) and there was a bit of mixup about the angle I was supposed to film the video. I remembered thinking “gee this angle isn’t my favorite but hey it’s kind of like I’m twerking on his face so I get it” just to realize I was flailing my pussy over the camera solely bc my reading comprehensions skills BASE jumped off a 5 story building after hour 13 chatting. That’s okay, I’m human, so I tried not to beat myself up about it, laughed it off and refilmed the content at a much more flattering angle. 😅

• another of my subscribers shared the sweetest picture of their kitty who recently passed. I felt a pang, the armor of kinky slut now dented, and I felt the tender skin of my soul underneath showing through like a bruise. He shared they recently had to put her down after spending his childhood together with her. She was a sweet thing, a gentle black void of a cat, and I couldn’t help but think of my sweet kitty who kept me company for the past 10 years who was no longer by my side after my decision to move overseas left me with nothing once again for the fourth time in my life. I was lucky that my kitty son was safe in another home, and here I was confronted with a piece of reality- both his and mine. I left that interaction with just a little more humanity than I had entering into it, but there is still a tenderness in my chest that I can’t stop touching.

• I can’t stop thinking about one particular video I did for a subscriber, a naughty, taboo scene that I’ve long held as a personal kink - the type that after watching this type of porn usually leaves me feeling a little hollow and in need of deep spiritual cleansing from my shame, the kind that once I’ve cum has me asking myself “damn, should I talk to someone about this?” But instead of crossing that critical threshold towards self-awareness & all around better adapted humanity, the singularity of human purpose, the nirvana of redemption, I just close the laptop and move on with my day. It was so fun to make this video because I knew I was a completely consenting adult but YIKES should address that one day. But hey, I’m human…. Right? Right?!?!?! gets dragged away by doctors and thrown into a straight jacket

Somewhere along the lull of the holidays, I was faced with myself. Many of you greeted me, wished me a happy holiday, and returned to Rome with your families or went back to work, so I had a moment of reflection as I moved into the new year. I’ve grown into such a strong woman, confident in my sexuality, and I feel blessed to have made it to this point (it was touch-and-go there after the YouTube years) to use my confidence to better my life and entertain others. I’m looking forward to this week and what new emotions and experiences it will bring…. No longer searching for some magical endpoint, but beginning to enjoy the journey.

💗