I'LL TELL YOU A SHORT STORY:

MAY 2023

I had been working for a studio for almost a year. I had already made many videos, being top, bottom, versatile (I think you guys know by now that I've never minded playing any kind of role as long as I'm having fun). I remember having agreed to participate in videos out of sheer obligation to show gratitude, but I still felt pleasure and realness in the scenes.

But the owner of this studio asked me to film a scene in which I would be bottom with "that" actor.

And I said, "Are you serious? You know that if I film with this person, nothing that happens in that video would be real. I would have to pretend to be enjoying myself with someone for an hour, feeling nothing but 'obligation.' I don't know if it's right for me to do that." The owner looked at me and with that sarcastic look, yet serious at the same time, said, "But you have to do it." I said several times, "I wouldn't do it." I have no problem with "that" actor. He was clearly bottom in real life, and in front of the camera, he pretended to be top. I didn't feel comfortable filming with someone who pretended to be something he wasn't, and I clearly wouldn't get any pleasure from it. The studio owner was so insistent that I had no choice but to accept.

The scene unfolded, from beginning to end. Every moan, every reaction that came out of me was fake. I felt for the first time that I was being directed to have sex with someone in a way I didn't want to. It was a mixture of discomfort and self-consciousness for not having the courage to do it. I kept saying "no."

The cameraman and photographer were present, and I remember the funeral-like atmosphere before the shoot. I still remember the deafening silence during filming because everyone involved knew I didn't want to do it. But I couldn't show that I was upset because my scene partner, he had no idea what was going on behind that. The cameraman looked at me and said, "It'll pass soon." I donned a mask I'd never worn before, performed the scene, and made loud, exaggerated moans, bottoming out with someone I wasn't feeling anything for.

The studio owner was outside the room waiting for the scene to be finished (I don't remember any studio owner sitting around waiting for it to be completed as if he was testing and observing, And trust me when I say we've already filmed a lot of scenes).

The scene was finished. I left the room. The studio owner looked at me and, laughing, asked, "How was it?" With a look of discontent, I replied, "Are you satisfied now?"

The scene was released, and I never had the courage to release it because I wasn't proud of myself. If I had any pride in my work, that pride was gone.

Days later, the studio owner said he was going to shoot with the same actor who claimed to be the top I'd shot. I asked the owner, "Are you going to bottom with him too?" And the owner said, "No." It's going to be a non-penetrative, but passionate scene." The studio owner asked me if I could be the cameraman for this scene, and I accepted.

The owner's scene with the other actor began, and what happened? The studio owner was top-heavy with the other actor, who considered himself only top-heavy, and I had to be bottom-heavy with him days before. And I had to film the scene. Watching it all from the front row, holding the camera.

Watching that shattered any self-esteem and trust I had in the owner. I really thought we were friends, but what he did was, like a lion, show who's boss. After the scene ended and the owner and I were alone, I turned to the owner and said, "Do you know what I'm feeling right now after seeing you made me to do a scene in a position I didn't want, and right after, you film with this actor and 'show who's boss' by fucking him in front of me?" I concluded, "If I had any pride, it's gone." The owner said I was exaggerating.

But sex, your body, and the What you do with your body can liberate you and also break you.

I was broken there. I literally saw the owner showing who was boss and that whoever he told me to film with, I would have to accept the role they assigned me, but when the owner was in the scene, the owner would always come out on top.

Today, I sometimes rewatch that video, still being released, and it gives me chills just thinking about it.

The cameraman still reminds me of that day. I try to joke about it, but I always joke that it was "traumatic."

After that day, I never agreed to do a scene like that again. If before I saw myself as a friend of the studio owner, now I saw myself as a pawn in a game being moved. And I wouldn't allow myself to be used that way again. Until March 2024, when that was my breaking point and my exit from that place.

Situations like these shape your character. They make you question whether you're truly willing to say "yes" to situations you only said yes to because you felt you had gratitude to show someone who had opened doors for you.

It's funny how so much time has passed and I still remember those days so clearly.

It's a kind of scar that shaped who I am today. After that day, I became less permissive and vulnerable.

I may be exaggerating, but we only have one body, and we do have the right to decide what to do or not do with it to
keep it as healthy and safe as possible