😭 I miss being skinny.
What if I'm fat forever??

When I first started gaining weight, I never imagined I'd be stuck with it forever. For months now, the scale refuses to budge. It torments me. I'll drop a couple pounds, but it always comes right back. My body has decided for me- This is me now. Heavy. Slow. Soft. Trapped in fat I've piled onto myself.

I've been doing a diet and weight loss journal since 2022. Well.. I abandoned it for a while when I spiraled up to my heaviest weight. I swore I'd never hit 250. And then, back in November, I did. The fattest I've ever been. I started journaling again, hoping for some discipline, some control. But it's been a mostly flat line of humiliating failure. When the numbers don't drop, I want to give up. And that's when I start overeating again.

In this video, you'll hear me vent- how I hate being this fat and pathetic. The constant softness getting in the way. Clothes not fitting properly. Feeling heavy and lazy and out of breath. All my best features- my boobs, my hips, my butt- disfigured by unchecked weight gain. The whole time, I'm comparing myself to the skinny version of me- how perfect she was. And I'm sharing embarrassing stories along the way. Ghosting friends and family. Catching people making fun of my body. Being humiliated and objectified by my feeder, purely for his sexual kicks.

The old clothing try-on video we made recently wrecked me. Digging through all those old photos to edit it together. I barely recognize the girl I used to be. She had control. Spark. Now, I avoid mirrors and wear clothing that hides my figure. Unless I'm making feedism content for people who want to watch how far I've let myself go. And who root for me to sink even deeper into this fetish. And I am sinking deeper. Still in a cocoon of indulgence and encouragement, with no real pushback.

This is 20 minutes of confessional- all the things I miss about being skinny. And everything I've lost becoming this fat.