I’ve been having a bit of a dip again :(  Painful to admit, always I try to deny it; as if pretending I am okay will somehow make it true. And I always pay for it in the long run, exhausting myself till I’m undeniably broken and non-functional. It’s so frustrating, recovering, feeling better, being productive, taking back control of myself, feeling hopeful, then taking two figurative steps back and finding myself wanting to hide in bed all day again. I don’t want to hide in bed though, I want to be well! So why do I want to hide in bed when I don’t?! What parts of me have separated to the point of such obvious and irreconcilable contradiction?  Maybe I’ve been over-doing things, but those are things that I want to do, things that make me feel good! Maybe you can wear yourself out doing things you want to do just the same as doing things you don’t? I’m realising that I have basically no point of reference to understand what it’s like to exist as I do now, I’m a like a baby fresh out the womb of depression.

Anyway, I’m still way better than I’ve even been. Two steps back isn’t so bad if you reflect on how many steps forward you’ve taken before, I’m still hopeful I’ll keep getting better and this is temporary :)

Here’s me in a pretty dress which I am completely naked under because some kind of metaphor for covering up the raw and naked reality of the self. Yes.

I love you XOXO