Christmas morning to-do list:

1. Caffeinate ✅
2. Masturbate 🟩 (in-progress and going well thanks to all of y’all who sent messages; especially with creamy cock tributes 🥵😍!!!!!!)
3. Eat Santa’s leftover cookies 🟩
4. Ponder the existential question as to why Santa chose reindeer to pull his sleigh instead of moose, giant eagles, or polar bears? And, why can’t Santa delegate delivery of some gifts to special teams of elves? (I mean that is way more believable right?!) 🟩